Shielding his eyes from the light, Con slowly approached what he was now sure to be the end of the mountain and the darkness. Two days of travel it had taken since the great cavern, two days and they had finally found the way out of the cavern back into the tunnels till they had found this way out. On what side of the mountain Con was unsure of after so many twists and turns, yet out was out.

 

And out would mean no longer close to her. Light, but waking up with her with an arm over his chest and remembering what had happened. Few things had been as agonising yet he’d gotten up quickly and that had only served to wake her. The argument that had followed Con didn’t wish to remember, it had meant talking about things he had revealed to her before they had slept, when they had.

 

Shaking his head, Con felt himself getting angry just at the thought of it. Those blasted mushrooms, he’d thrown every single one of them into the fire and had made sure Arette couldn’t pick anymore. It was the mushrooms which had betrayed him he was certain, the hatred he possessed for them was more than he had ever possessed for anything else. He’d revealed his core to Arette, and now she knew his heart and mind. What made it worse was that he knew hers now, and that she definitely did love him.

 

But that was the worst part of it! He couldn’t trust again, wouldn’t trust again. She had gone too far, as much as she might love him it hadn’t been enough for her to trust him! There was no going back, he wouldn’t go back, he couldn’t and remain sane. He would be nothing if he went back to that, and he’d only recently rediscovered himself, his own worth, he wouldn’t surrender that, couldn’t.

 

Emerging from the tunnel, Con shielded his eyes from the afternoon sun. They had emerged with the sun facing them, that meant they were on the right side of the mountains! Con would have cheered if not for the company. From where they were, there was a gentle incline down the last hundred or so feet to the base of the mountain where the tree line began. The beginning of the end of the interminable torture he had put himself through with only having Arette for company.

 

Setting one foot infront of the other, Con set forth down the slope. He could hear Arette behind him, but he did his best to block her out. It was much easier to believe he was alone, soon to be reunited with his fellow Children no less. Maybe a couple of days till they found the road and all would be well then.

 

 

Con Stavros

Child of the Light

There was light at the end of the tunnel. Arette didn't allow her hopes to get too high. She could still remember the disappointment when the last source of brightness had proven to be luminescent moss. The same went for all kind of wishful thinking, she thought looking at the relentless back of the man before him. She had gotten a tantalizing glimpse on what could have been on the night they had eaten the mushrooms. He had bared his heart to her and let her close both physically and mentally. Then the next morning he had gotten up first and obviously regretted everything. It had been a crude awakening to the real world and a reminder that things couldn't be fixed between them by few sweet moments. Con had been determined to return them to the starting point and pushed her buttons... Or well, she had to be honest. She had pressed him, wishing that he would talk. Letting it out verbally always helped her, but her attempts had just annoyed him and made him feel like she was hounding him and backing him into a corner.

 

Still there was definately fault in him too. He had tried his very best to make her angry and get the perfect excuse to stay quiet and keep her away. He had definately succeeded in the first one. It still raised her hackles to remember how he had guided the discussion to the girls and her worst source of insecurity and guilt. Using their previous quarrel about gold, he had been quick to announce his judgement that she was just blinded by greed and wanted to spoil their daughters and in her interpretation wasn't fit to be a mother. That he would rather take the girls away from her than let them become pampered nobles. Just like her obviously. But what ever doubts even she had of her mothering abilities, he had no right for such threats and she hadn't spared words before being reduced to tears and storming off to cool her hurt feelings.

 

Since that they had exchanged only absolutely mandatory words. Arette almost felt like apologizing her part as it always took two to fight. But he showed no desire for consiliation and despite his drugged love confession, she was horribly afraid of rejection. So her best ally was time and hope that the memory of the night could maybe make him give her another chance. Only if he didn't have a change of heart soon, they would reach the Children and then he could avoid her till eternity. She was almost considering a sabotage to play them more time, but first they would have to get out. And what ever happiness they might experience, it would taste like ashes if she couldn't fullfill her promise and save the two innocent children of Telcia.

 

It shook her back to the present and to the realisation that this time they really were facing sunlight. Her heart swelled with greatfulness and she longed to see the blue sky and feel the vastness and open space around them. The light made her blink and even through her closed eyelids it was blindingly sharp. She moved carefully forward and gave herself time to adjust shadowing her eyes. The air was so fresh and the breeze was gentle on her skin that longed for bath. When she finally viewed the vistas with open eyes, everything looked beautiful and like new to her. They were at the edge of the mountains and not far from the woodlands, but where exactly their location was, she couldn't tell. Maybe Con could, but she wouldn't risk another outburst. He would guide them where they would have to go. She still couldn't quite believe that they were out even though the ground was solid beneath her and the rays of sun warm on her skin. She couldn't resist kneeling and grasping fistfuls of dirt to assure herself that it was really over. The relief left her nearly limp.

 

But Con was already trudging down the slope, bearing not even a thought for her, she decided bitterly. Maybe he was thinking in his heart of hearts that jumping after her had been a bad idea and she should have drowned. It would have been easier at least. Annoyance stiffened her legs and she cut the distance with them. The nature was blooming and admiring it helped her to shake the gloominess a bit by the time they reached the woodline. She had even spotted a stream perfect for a swim and Con seemed to be leading them there. With no equipment, making the camp didn't take long. It was pretty much just setting up the fire and seats for them. And since it was only late afternoon, they wouldn't be continuing after the dinner. Her mouth wetted at the thought of a good dinner with green stuff and maybe even spiced by native herbs. And definately mushrooms, she thought with an evil inner grin. Only it wasn't a season for them right now. Ah well, you just couldn't have everything.

 

She put Willamina's teachings to good use while gathering them foodstuffs from nearby. Meat was guaranteed by a deadly little weave that dropped two water birds from a flock flying over and scattered the rest. She plucked and gutted the birds by hand and left them to Con to be fried after stuffing them with the little herbs she had managed to find. She had more than earned a bath and nice swim in the stream and not even a stampede of wild horses could stop her. The water would most likely be cold since its source was in the mountains, but after over a week's traveling without proper washing possibilities it would feel as sweet as Mistress Elin's spa back in Tar Valon. The memory brought with it the usual pang of home sickness and sadness and then grim resignation for she could never enter the world's beautiful city again. Forcing the thought on background, she reminded herself that this was no time for such doleful retrospection. She had come here to refresh and return to Con clean and washed and hopefully somewhat pleasing to look.

 

The swim was more than she had hoped for and floating on her back and gazing the clouds pass was the best possible balm to worries and disappointments she could imagine. The wonderful weightless feeling could be compared to the delirious mushroom trip and she indulged in sweet daydreams of Con holding her close again and everything being well for them. Yet as ever practical, she knew that despite their trick against suffering from temperatures, she could still catch cold and get sick. Sighing she stood and returned to her clothes pressing water off her long hair. As she was buttoning her dress, rustling from the bushes alerted her. She embraced Saidar just in case and wondered why she hadn't used it to simply dry herself... obviously Willamina had truly got at her. After a moment of sniffing and more noises, a cuddly looking bear cub emerged. Arette became very wary for she knew that the mother bear couldn't be far. She turned to retreat to the camp with haste, but froze facing the formidable ursa only few steps away. It was not a good position to be between an animal baby and its protective mommy and for a moment the two just stared at each others, deliberating what to do.

 

Finally the bear made its move and lunged at the woman with a resounding roar. Arette had been preparing a fireball, but she doubted that at this short distance she could kill the bear before it got her. Her aim was slightly off as her hands trembled with fear and the blaze scorched only the shoulder and the other side of the face of the creature. Enraged it attacked her and the strong claws rent flesh at the lenght of her whole left leg. Arette screamed with pain and the impact of the cleave sent her plummeting to a tree trunk. The last thing she saw was her second fireball singing grass on the other side of the creek and evaporating water as the push backward had swung her hand way over the mother bear. Her head bounced off the wood and she knew no more as she slid bonelessly to the ground blood gushing from the cut.

 

Arette Nenatiar

Exiled Brown Sister

Former Keeper of the Chronicles

Mother of Karana and Telcina

Bonded to Calvin Gaidin

Finishing the last knot of the tourniquet, Con lowered Arette's down gently and pulled her skirt back down over it to keep her warm. Holding his hand next to her neck, he could feel her pulse was still weak, but not as bad as it had been. Not that it lessened his worry by any degree, the birds that Arette had prepared sat cooling nearby uneaten. A waste, but he couldn't bring himself to eat them. It had been his fault!

 

He'd heard the roars and the scream, but he had been too late when he had arrived. The bear was towering over her still form, and in that moment Con had almost died. What had followed then, he could not remember save that the bear was dead at his feet and his sword was bloody to the hilt. About to weep as he knelt beside Arette, he had noticed she was still breathing though it was faint.

 

It had taken quick work from there, but he'd managed to stop the bleeding and bind the wounds using the sleeves torn from his own tunic as bandages after he'd returned her to the campsite. He'd been lucky enough to spot some Dogworth nearby and had chewed it into a paste before filling the wounds with it, to keep them clean. If only there had been some Healall handy, or Lionheart, but neither were to be found. When she woke up she'd be in pain, but there was little he could do about that. Not unless he used some crimsonthorne he had seen back along the trail a bit, but he had no intention of using it. Too much and he'd paralyse Arette altogether, and she was weak enough as it was.

 

He couldn't forgive himself for this though, he'd let her go alone because he hadn't wanted to be around her. If he'd been there he could have driven the bear off before it hurt her. As much as he hated the fact that she had this much of a hold on him, at the same time the part he suppressed wanted it. Now his attempts to try and keep her from his mind and heart had nearly killed her.

 

Sitting down next to her, he took her left hand between his own and simply held it. In the moment he had thought her dead, something had become so obvious that he couldn't put it aside. Without her... it was as if she'd held his bond and like a Warder who loses their Aes Sedai, he'd died inside. With that, Con realised, had died any chance he ever had of putting her aside.

 

For better or for worse, he loved her, and there was no escape from that. Maybe he couldn't trust her, but what Arette said in the great cave had come to him. She had changed, he had changed, maybe with that there was a chance to start anew. Maybe they could build trust anew. But for now, all Con could do was wait, and he would not leave her side till she woke.

 

 

Con Stavros

Child of the Light

The world was filled with pain when Arette opened her eyes. It took many blinks to clear the haze and double vision and recognize the face looming worriedly over her. Con! She could feel his hand strong in hers and it was like an anchor keeping her awake. Her head wanted to split like a melon with painful throbs and the whole lenght of her foot was ablaze and felt tight. It wasn't good that she had knocked her head again within so little time and to the almost same spot than before. This wasn't so bad as last time, though. Some other part must have caught the worst impact when.... There had been a bear. Con must have killed it. She wondered what would happen to the cub now. It would starve without it's mother. The thought brought irrational tears to her eyes and she missed her babies and Calvin almost physically right then. Poor Calvin was propably worrying himself sick right now. She tried to send an assuring thought to him, but she couldn't quite focus. Well, she was awake now, it should help him a little.

 

And Con was with her. She hadn't really even acknowledged him yet. She tried to lift her hand, but she felt weak like an almost drowned kitten and it was too much an effort. She settled only for a tiniest squeeze of his hand. He looked at her and.... Oh Light, she recognized that look. He didn't guard his facade right now and it was evident that he blamed himself for all this. She had to stop that before he even begun.

 

"Con... it... was... no... one's... fault. Promise."

 

Arette

Former AS with bad luck ;) (aka evil writer)

Seeing Arette's eyes open... It had only been a few hours but for Con it had been interminable. A part of him realised that for Arette it must have been much worse when he'd been returned to Tar Valon in a wagon after the battle against the Trolloc Horde. The squeeze she gave was reassuring, she would be alright. As her eyes came into focus, there was recognition, and then worry of all things! She was the one who was wounded and she was worrying about him?! It was her words that revealed exactly what she was thinking, though she struggled to get them out. A part of him was rueful, she already knew what he was thinking, but it was too late for that.

 

"Shh, save yourself and do be listening to me." Squeezing her hand reassuringly, Con began. "It do be my fault, alot of things do be. You do be the one that mistrusted me, but when you did be realising the truth I no be listening to you. I do be too concerned with myself, I do be hurting you because of my own fears. Because of that not only do you be suffering, but my daughters no be knowing me at all."

 

"I did be spurning you as you did be doing to me. I no be acting out anything better than fear and spite. I no be right to be doing that to you. I also do be lying to myself, hiding from myself. I do be loving you Arette, and you alone." Lifting her hand up to his face he kissed the tips of her fingers gently. "Maybe one day you be forgiving me for what I be doing. I just be glad that even though I did no be giving you my faith, you do be giving me yours then and now." His eyes watered a little, but he kept it together. Maybe there was more of his youth still left to him than he had previously thought.

 

 

Con Stavros

Child of the Light

Seeing Arette's eyes open... It had only been a few hours but for Con it had been interminable. A part of him realised that for Arette it must have been much worse when he'd been returned to Tar Valon in a wagon after the battle against the Trolloc Horde. The squeeze she gave was reassuring, she would be alright. As her eyes came into focus, there was recognition, and then worry of all things! She was the one who was wounded and she was worrying about him?! It was her words that revealed exactly what she was thinking, though she struggled to get them out. A part of him was rueful, she already knew what he was thinking, but it was too late for that.

 

"Shh, save yourself and do be listening to me." Squeezing her hand reassuringly, Con began. "It do be my fault, alot of things do be. You do be the one that mistrusted me, but when you did be realising the truth I no be listening to you. I do be too concerned with myself, I do be hurting you because of my own fears. Because of that not only do you be suffering, but my daughters no be knowing me at all."

 

"I did be spurning you as you did be doing to me. I no be acting out anything better than fear and spite. I no be right to be doing that to you. I also do be lying to myself, hiding from myself. I do be loving you Arette, and you alone." Lifting her hand up to his face he kissed the tips of her fingers gently. "Maybe one day you be forgiving me for what I be doing. I just be glad that even though I did no be giving you my faith, you do be giving me yours then and now." His eyes watered a little, but he kept it together. Maybe there was more of his youth still left to him than he had previously thought.

 

It was obvious that she couldn't absolve him of the guilt, he had to do it himself. All she could do to help was to heal. The wound would leave a horrible scar, though. But he continued and she had to concentrate hard on his words to be able to follow. And what words they were. Light, she could have died of happiness right there and then. She tried to protest at few points, but she was too slow to gather her thoughts and the moment passed. She tried to remember the most important points for when it would be her turn. It was nigh impossible, though, when he confessed his love and was kissing her finger tips. She pressed them to his lips and held them there smiling beatifically to him.

 

"I... love... you... too... Con. And... there... is... nothing... for... me... to... forgive. But... girls... it... was... my... fault... should... have.... messaged... you... right... away... I... was... weak... thinking... just... myself... sorting... things... out.

 

"Shhh." Shaking his head at her, Con smiled slightly at her. "It do no be mattering now that it do be in the past. You do be right, we both do be changing and it do be a chance for us to be starting anew. This time you no be Keeper, I no be Commander, it do be simply us. No be talking any further though, when you do be ready I be getting you something to eat. Heal first, we do be talking later when you do be ready."

 

Arette nodded carefully to avoid pain to signal perfect agreement with him. They needed to start from a clean slate. This was quite frustrating, though. She wanted to have this very discussion right now. But Con seemed to be open for talking now, so the timing didn't matter anymore. And she was tired and in pain. The thought of food wasn't too appealing, but she knew that it would help her regain strenght. And would he eat if she didn't. "Alright... But... you... eat too... And... don't... tire... yourself..." Light, speaking was a real chore. She was hazily trying to remember herbs that could be of use now and that they might find... and Con recognize. Only willow bark, the basic pain killer came to mind, but it wouldn't be of much use since they couldn't boil it and make tea.

 

She forced herself to stay awake and even drink and eat a bit. Con fed her like a baby. It was so sweet and really the only way how she could have gotten anything down. She was already half dozing off between the last bites, but him stroking her hair with her head resting on his lap sent her to sleep.

 

Arette & Con

.

The past couple of days for Con since he'd made his decision had been good ones. While he didn't like to see Arette in the state she was, she was getting better and she bore with it easier now that one of the great walls between them had been torn down. Certainly, Con found a certain peace from it which he hadn't known for... Well, he never had. Even when he and Arette had been together, there had always been problems. Her position as well as his, he still had so much to learn then as had she. No doubt, they still did.

 

But they had become older, and they'd made mistakes, so many of them. They at least had that to learn from now. Not that they'd spoken of it though, Arette had needed to recover first and foremost. At the same time, they couldn't stay where they were forever. They needed to get to Katar soon, they would be able to get the help of a wisdom and Arette would be able to heal up in a bed. He was thinking of leaving her behind in Katar in fact, yet he had decided not to bring that up with her. He didn't want to risk the newfound peace, and it would only agitate her which she didn't need.

 

For the morning, Con had finally finished with Arette's crutches. He'd forbidden her from channeling while she rested, so it had taken alot of rough work using his dagger. He'd need a whetstone for it when they reached Katar. Helping Arette to her feet proved a challenge, but she proved she was able to use the crutches which was the main thing. It'd be slow going, but Con wouldn't be able to carry her on her back because that'd put too much stress on her injured leg.

 

They managed a few miles that day which was the main thing. Arette needed stops constantly, but that was understandable all things considered. As long as they got to Katar and the Children of the Light before they left, all would be well. They would find Telcia's children yet.

 

Settling down for camp after the first night of travel, Con busied himself for the most part. Along the way he'd spotted a rabbit and had been able to catch it. Skinning it in preparation for gutting, he tossed the scraps of fur into the fire as he went. Arette sat closeby, though they hadn't spoken much since setting up camp. Enjoying each other's company without tension was enough. Well, he was, she seemed like she wanted to talk about something, but didn't seem quite sure how to broach it. Maybe she was worried about possibly wrecking their new start as much as he was. His curiosity won out over the fear though, that and he knew it would come sooner or later.

 

"What do you be thinking Arette?"

 

 

Con Stavros

Child of the Light

The past couple of days for Arette had been a pain physically, but a bliss personally. The latter almost overshadowed completely the fact that every muscle in her body was hurting today. Con had forbidden her to channel for a few days and she might have protested and mutinied more if the blood loss hadn't wearied her down. Her foot was also aching and embracing Saidar would only double that awareness, something she very much wanted to avoid. This morning Con had finished the ackward work on her crutches and they had been able to journey maybe a few miles. She had managed to hold to her decision to not complain even once even though it had been a path of agony. She couldn't lean at all on the injured leg and her hands were soon on blisters and the crutches chafed her arms. Her whole posture was off and it reflected on every muscle. Despite the many breaks, her back and shoulders thews were tense cables. She did her best to hide it from Con, though. He didn't need his guilt trip enforced.

 

As they were sitting there by the fire, she was very conscious of her looks. She hadn't slept very well, so there were dark smudges under her eyes and she was pale from the loss of blood. At least she was moderately clean. Con had washed her over garments and her - a slightly ackward and painful experience - but the travail had unabled her to resort to the Aes Sedai trick resulting her to sweat like a pig today. He had brought her water and she had refreshed when they had camped, but she was painfully aware that she was not at her best. And she should have started dying her hair back in Fernhill. She was truly starting to show her age with the white hair on her temples and it reminded her of the difference between the years. Light, she was an old hag - thankfully wrinkless at least - and he an upstanding man at his prime. What on earth was he seeing in her? And even furthermore, her body wasn't quite what it had been before giving birth. She had been so fit when they had last been together and now he saw her like this, with gained weight and all flabby... No, she needed to stop this.

 

She tried to shake out of these morbid thoughts and enjoy the moment. It was silly to think looks and what was on surface. She had always scorned Sisters, who were fussing about dresses and such and now she was as bad as the worst Green. Where was her dignity and self-confidence she had thought Willamina had returned to her and even helped to increase. She shouldn't need any man or anyone to assure her worth. And still she was wishing that he would sit a little closer to her and maybe hold her hand like he had on so many occasions in these past days. And talk, that bloody man! She didn't want him to be such a slippery worm as Telcia's Iussi, but he could still speak a little more than a rock. She wasn't really expecting flowery compliments, but something to strenghten the bond. It had to be a man thing. Calvin at least was sometimes feeling harrassed by her need to chatter and analyze things deeply verbally... and to get the same from him.

 

And she didn't really want to pressure him either. Everything was so very tender with them right now that she didn't want to do anything to spoil it. And there was really so much to speak about that she didn't know where to start from. It had been almost a year and half since they had really been together thanks to Con accompanying Telcia and then them breaking up. But since this was a new start, she wasn't certain if they really needed to cover the past year. Maybe, since it had been a time of change for her at least. And for him too, she was almost certain of it, since he seemed to much more confident and at ease with himself now.

 

Then he actually asked what was in her mind, an invitation for a discussion if she knew anything. She rewarded him with a bright smile.

 

"I'm thinking you, of course.. us. These past days have been so wonderful. I'm glad that this...", she pointed at her leg "... happened, because it sped things up between us. I doubt that our issues would have ever come out otherwise, because once we would have reached your men, you would have just avoided me and built the walls even taller." Still, there was always a price to pay. She was slowing them down even more and the cave romp had already been enough delay. It felt unfair that their happiness was paid by two innocent children, who were Light only knew where. She prayed that the Light would keep them safe. But there was nothing they could do about it now... only when they reached the first village and he could leave her to safe hands.... Nay, they were discussing about other things now.

"As for everything else... there is so much I want to say and ask that I don't even know where to start." She didn't want to pour it all on him, so it was the best to pass the ball. "What do you think is the most important thing now? To talk about, that is."

 

Arette

Exiled Brownie

“I no be knowing.†Thinking about it, there was something that did come to mind in particular though. “Say we do be successful, what do be happening then? I do be having an oath, and unlike my previous one I no be able to release myself from it. Do you be thinking to stay in the village or move? As long as I do be held by oath, I do be sworn to wear the sunburst, and I no be thinking that the Lord Captain Commander be releasing it anytime soon. Not when it do be such a coup against the White Tower for him for me to be bearing the Children’s coat of arms.â€

 

Con tackled a difficult topic. As long as he was a Whitecloak, he had protection from the White Tower, but what would happen when his superiors found about their relationship? "I... I hadn't thought it really. Hadn't wanted to, because... where would I move to? Amadicia?" She shook her head incredulously. "Fernhill is a good place and I think that the girls could be happy growing up there. And I have been happy there too. But... do you think that your status might change if the Tower would drop the warrant? If they ever will."

 

She grimaced remembering how relentless the organization could be when it's pride was at stake. And she and Telcia weren't the best people right now to appeal to the Amyrlin. "And would it change anything for you? Would you want to leave? If not... then I'd hope that you'll come to visit as often as you can. I would miss you horribly, though, but... it might be the only way."

 

“They will no be letting it go. Even if they did be doing so, I do be doubting that I could ever be released from my oath. Some would be considering it to be me renouncing the Children in the way I did be renouncing the White Tower. But if a way did be presenting itself and I did become free of ties, perhaps we would be going somewhere we could be free of both the Children and the White Tower. Maybe Illian.†It was something that had occurred to him as they’d walked. The Children steered clear of Illian for the most part since the Whitecloak War, and while Aes Sedai might have the ear of the Illian nobility, none of them would have anything to do with the Perfumed Quarter.

 

Arette nodded in agreement that Illian might be a good place to avoid the Whitecloaks, but if he was so pessimistic of ever being freed of being a Child of Light... "But you wouldn't break your promise. And you said that the Children were doing good work... I suppose that most of them are. So there is no reason for you to want to become forsworn like with the White Tower. Visits it will be then..." She sighed. "I will get used to the thought. Although..." A crazy idea was just forming in her head, but it was something so risky that she wasn't certain she would ever want to expose their daughters to it. "It's to him where everything reverts eventually. In the Last Battle we will all be in his troops. 'Some sooner and some later.'"

 

[colod=slateblue]“When I do be looking at you, I do be thinking of at least three different reasons.â€[/color] Smiling slightly, it quickly faded as reality reasserted itself. "Oh!", she pressed her hands to her cheeks blushed with delight and beamed happily at him. Even the thought of seeing him maybe only once to twice a year or the dangerous ta'veren loose on the world couldn't disturb her right then. "You should tell me what those three are." Light, she couldn't believe that she was begging for compliments, but she would strangle him if he wouldn't tell her.

 

[colors=slateblue]“I did be thinking they do be obvious; you and our two daughters.â€[/color] Seeing the look on her face, Con realised that she had been after something else. “If I did be just thinking of you there would no be enough time in the day.†He could thank Daren for that particular line. “So it do be Fernhill for certain?â€

 

Arette's face sagged when she heard his 'reasons'. Men! Of course she was happy to hear that he was thinking their daughters, but did he have to do it right this particular moment?! When she was expecting him to say something really sweet. GAH! Obviously he realized his little blunder and his patch was... yes, she definately approved it. She smiled again. "Yes, I suppose that it will be Fernhill.. I wonder if Telcia will return there too after this is over... I hope so... althought it might mean having Iussi around too." She wrinkled her nose. "That scoundrel abandoned her for... for almost a year without a word and dared to... Ahem, but we're not talking about that now. I... hmm... you have changed alot, you know. You've become much more confident, like you've found yourself. Did something particular happen or did you just.. grow?"

 

Something happened alright, something that shouldn’t have yet at least it had helped set him free. “A long story for another time I do be thinking. To be summing it up, I did be realising that the limits that I be having simply be those that be placed on me or I do be choosing to believe. And what of you? You no longer quite be the same either."

 

 

Con Stavros

Child of the Light

 

Arette Nenatiar

Tower Exile

The lack of details definately whet Arette's curiousity. She wanted very much to hear this story, but they had time. What Con said was a good revelation. Everyone should at some point of their lives realize their own potential and what they really wanted to be and how it differed from what other people wanted for you. "I think that my biggest lesson has been humbleness. I am not an Aes Sedai anymore, not really. And I believe that I and most Sisters have it completely wrong what it should mean to be an Aes Sedai. It's not what you are and how you behave - usually haughty and "mysterious". Being an Aes Sedai is what you do. And most Sisters don't really do anything to help, to Serve, they are too busy convincing themselves and others that they are really powerful and formidable women. I've learned something about what it really means to work as a servant without the capital letter." She smiled ruefully. "Novices get a glimpse of it, but they see it only as a mandatory stepping stone in becoming powerful. Most Aes Sedai never learn true humility, they just learn to pretend to be meek around those higher in hierarchy. All Sisters could use apprenticeship under Willamina and most Wisdoms really. They're non-channelers, but they do the work we should be doing among the people. In a sense they are truer descendants of the Servants of All than we are. And they know what it means to be strong in a way that the real world requires."

 

She let out a tremulous breath. "But the best teachers of all have been the girls. They love me unconditionally." Her voice was full of wonder. "It never stops amazing and touching me when they smile at me and are happy to see me. I haven't done anything to deserve it. In fact..." She swallowed. "...just the contrary. I wanted to kill them, to get rid of them. For a while I tried all kinds of things to miscarry. How can I be a mother after that? I'm a horrible, horrible person and don't deserve the babies. I was just thinking myself and how I had lost everything. I blamed it on them and they symbolized the banishment to me." What Con had to be thinking of her now. She didn't want to see the look of revulsion on his face. "I really wanted to have been Stilled with Karana. Why her and not me!? Every decision she made, I fully supported and backed. And they made me watch it... THEM stripping away her ability to channel..." Well, Con had been there too, the whole Tower had gathered to the Traitor's Court that day as was customary. But she hadn't seen anyone around her, she had been numb with the knowledge that she would be exiled and dreaded what she would have to witness. The guilt was still a raw wound in her.

 

"It changed when I could feel them. They became real, actual human beings. And I started having feelings for them. Then they were born and I loved them so much I could burst. They were like a reward, only I hadn't done anything to earn it. It's so cruel, Con. So unfair. Why did she have to be Stilled and have everything taken from her and I get off like that and be all happy?" By then she was shaking uncontrollably and tears were streaming down her cheeks. Karana was an icon to her. She represented strenght, wisdom and knowledge and everything else she admired. She had been her mentor and friend for so many years and it was unbearable what had happened to her. She couldn't accept that she hadn't shared her fate as it should have been.

 

Arette

Exiled Brownie

Now wasn't a time for words, Con couldn't have found them even if he had wanted to use them. Kill their own children? She truly hated herself so much? She was almost hysterical, and he knew part of it was his fault. He hadn't been there for her when all that she spoke of happened, he hadn't supported her when she needed it. Now it seemed she still needed it, and he was here now. Settling down next to her, Con took her into his arms and held her close, held her as she wept into his shoulder, held her until the tears finally passed and she gave way to exhaustion.

 

So passed the next couple of days until they came across a peddler that was willing to give them a ride in his wagon the rest of the way to Katar. They made much better time as a result, and soon they were within sight of the city. Outside the walls laid a small gathering of buildings, and it was amongst these as they passed them that Con saw a pair of the Children under the light of the sunset that were leaving the city.

 

Hailing the Children down, Con thanked the peddler for taking them so far and helping Arette down from the wagon, with the Children leading the way they arrived at the Misty Mountain inn. It seemed that Brandeis had thought it more expedient to be outside the walls in case they needed to move quickly, which was good reasoning. They hadn't but set a foot in the commonroom when they were mobbed by the other Children who were in the common room. Feigning tiredness, which wasn't altogether feigned, they were taken to their rooms.

 

Con's was two bed, the other bed being Brandeis', yet oddly enough the rooms were pairedqith a door running between two rooms at a time. With the door running to Arette's, Con decided to see how she was doing after finding sleep wasn't coming to him. Letting himself in, he picked up a nearby stool and sat down beside her. The question of what to tell the Children was on his mind, but that wasn't the question he chose to ask. "Do you be needing anything?"

 

 

Con Stavros

Child of the Light

It was five days to Katar since her outburst. She was really embarrassed about it, even though it had felt good to get some of it off her heart. It didn't really lessen the guilt and blame, but it had made it slightly easier to carry. And it assured her greatly that Con didn't hate for wanting do something so horrible to their children. He had seen enough bad sides of her already that it could really be said that he cared for her despite it all. Luckily he didn't want to speak about it. The two days before finding the peddler went mainly in effort of covering as many miles as possible. She at least was so tired during the breaks that she didn't feel like talking much. But his presence and the physical closeness were a great comfort. It was a shocking realization that they had by now maybe spent as much time together alone as during their whole previous relationship. Then they had only the late evenings and nights and he had left for months... but by then they had been over already, or so she had thought.

 

They were good days to Arette. She was surer of him than ever before and it filled her with such happiness that even the pain on her foot couldn't compete with it. Meeting the peddler ended the bliss since he accepted them to his wagon after some dealing and wheeling. It made traveling considerably more pleasent for her, but it also meant that she and Con couldn't exactly be necking anymore. Being around other people reminded her of the Andoran ideas of propriety from childhood and strenghtened by the Tower and now in Fernhill. They weren't married or even promised and she was maybe just being too paranoid, but every time they had a tender little moment alone, the peddler turned out to be either watching or emerged from somewhere, which made it ackward it for her. Getting rid of him almost gladdened her, despite the peddler being a nice man.

 

Only it meant exchanging him to an even better guardians of moral, the Children. She wished that the commanding position wouldn't make Con too distant, but stealing moments would become even harder now. Thank the Light only Brandeis knew who she really was. Otherwise things might have gotten complicated. The Children outside the city lead them to the inn where the rest of them were waiting. It was slightly unnerving to be around so many Whitecloaks again, but her Mask of Mirrors held and only Brandeis knew. The few men she had gotten more familiar with around the bonfire seemed to be genuinely worried about her injury and her and it was truly heart-warming. Con quelled their questions about what had happenned by appealing to tiredness. It would be good indeed to rest in a real bed and Light, get a bath and fresh bandages and what have you. A new dress, definately....

 

Her crutches caused some difficulties at the stairs and in most gallant way Luca scooped her to his arms and carried her to upstairs. The gesture made her blush and some of the men laugh, but Con didn't seem to find it funny at all. By his dark look, she could have almost guessed that he was jealous... Nah, but it was just rediculous, she must have seen wrong. After all, she was the jealous, unsure type, not him. Still, she would better be careful about how friendly she was around Luca in the future just to be sure.

 

The inn keeper fussed around her worriedly and the bath was ready in no time and they had called a local Reader to visit too. Arette was more delighted of the clean clothes she could wear after the bath. They were the wrong size, since the inn keeper was quite heavy woman who clearly enjoyed their cook's meals, but after wearing the same dress for weeks, it was like a ball gown to her. Despite the Reader inspecting and poking her foot painfully, her eyes were slumping with the nice after warmth of the bath. She would have gladly given in to sleep if her eyes hadn't fallen on the bookshelf and picked out the newest volume of Mistress Cincochina's Journeys. The woman was one of her favourite authors and it had been over five years since her last book had been pressed. Propping herself up with pillows, she submerged in the funny anecdotes of the witty woman traveling in the countryside.

 

She was shaken from her concentration by a knock on the door separating her and Con's room. The look into the window revealed that it was completely dark by now. She had no idea what time it was. She bookmarked the epoc reverently and laid it aside before bidding him to enter. She smiled at him as he sat on the stool. His question... Light, was it the full moon or something, but she was interpreting it with all kind of double entendres. He definately could be sitting closer, though. With little trouble, she made more space in the bed and patted the blanket beside her in hopefully inviting way.

 

"I'm just fine, Con, thank you for asking. Did... did Brandeis ask questions?"

 

Arette

Brown Sister in exile

Smiling slightly, he stood from the stool and laid down on the bed next to her, slipping an arm under her head for her to rest on. It was good to grab this moment now that no one was around, and they were safe with four walls around, a roof above and a comfortable bed to lie on. Her question still needed answering though. "No, I no be speaking to him yet. No doubt he do be wanting to talk later though. What do we be doing here in Katar? What do be our next step?"

 

Sighing with content Arette nestled as close to him as she could and nuzzled his neck. "Mhhh... what, oh. Iussi in his infinite wisdom didn't tell which inn he was staying in and I'm not sure he is even here anymore. But he should have left a word then. So tomorrow morning we could go and ask around where he is or was staying. Does that sound like a plan?"

 

"It do." Leaning down he kissed her forehead lightly before speaking again. "In the meantime we do be needing to take care of the story we do be telling the Children. I think if we do be saying we found the moss earlier to find our way, a bit of luck as we do be going through with fish and such that do be easy enough to be getting through. Though I do be owing Brandeis the truth of it." Sighing, Con mused out loud "if only there no be no need to be lying at all."

 

The kiss on the forehead made Arette close her eyes and almost purr. It was hard to focus on this story thing with him so close again. Being in the bed made it somehow even more pronounced. It was strange that he never kissed her on the lips, though. What was he waiting for? But the story... "Umm, maybe we don't really have to be very specific about the cave part. Does the chronological order really matter? Although it is strange that we survived so well without any tools and anything and can't tell about the channeling. They might be asking questions... but... I don't really want to even think the whole thing. It wouldn't be so strange if we just say that we survived with fish and mushrooms that we found and don't go into details. That way there is no need to lie either."

 

She did have a point, then again she would be much more experienced at lying to others without lyi- Cursing himself inwardly, he knew that thought wasn't fair on her, not when they had agreed to start anew, to start afresh. Giving her a slight squeeze, he spoke on. "True. Then we do be finding Iussi and we do be on our way. I only be hoping that we do be able to finish the search soon, the longer I do be away the harder it do be to be explaining the absence. Brandeis do be having to answer to his superiors as well, and they do be suspecting him of straying from their ideals I do be thinking."

 

Twirling her finger absent-mindedly on his beard, she wondered if she should kiss him. At the same time she was speaking without thinking. "I pray that we'll find the children safe soon too. And what did you tell your superiors or did you just leave? It's no wonder that they suspect Brandeis, though. His tongue definately waggles when he is drunk. Does he do it often? And you get more talkative then too. A good thing to know for the fut..." Con's muscles stiffened under her and she gazed searchingly at him.

 

She'd listened in on them. That meant that all that time she had known exactly what he was thinking, which made her constant attempts earlier in the trip to get close to him suddenly make sense. He made sure to squash the darker feelings that were rising in him quickly though, it didn't matter that she knew now, and he could understand her listening in. That she had heard what Brandeis had said though, that had been private his confession, but it couldn't be helped. "He only be drinking with me. The reason he do be suspected is because he be befriending me, and he do become more and more scarce when they do be needing someone to be carrying out the questioning. He do be risking alot in what he does, more so now to be keeping our secret."

 

It dawned on her what had caused the reaction on him and she wanted to smack herself. Why had she bloody wool-head went and revealed that she had been eavesdropping on them. Her heart beat faster in the horrible anticipation of him blowing up and them being right at where they had started. His words relieved that fear and she let out the breath she had been holding. Since he hadn't brought it up, it might be best if she didn't apologize, because she wasn't really even sorry. She had had to hear his words and get hope or she couldn't have survived the caves.

 

"He started as indoctrinated as the Aes Sedai, but he is a good man. It speaks much of his character that he has come to question what he does. I hope he will take your advice and survive this unscathed. That you both will. So... are you seen as a suspicious figure for your old allegiances or is it just in the eyes of the questioners?"

 

"Both, but it slowly do be changing. The more I do, the more people do be realising I do be worthy of trust. At the same time, the more the Hand do be wishing to have me removed. The Lord Captain Commander Valorn Goldren be giving me my cloak personally. As much as it do be a jab at the White Tower for him, for me to be arrested and found Darkfriend would be a coup for the High Inquisitor Biral against the Lord Captain Commander. As the months be passing, it do be becoming more tense, and no be simply because of me. But there little I do be able to do but go day by day and be seeing what be hapening." The struggle between the two groups was becoming more pronounced, and it was only a matter of time when everyone would have to pick a side. That wasn't a difficult question for Con to answer with all things considered.

 

The both names rang a bell. Arette had read reports on them if scarcely for the Tower had few Eyes and Ears in the capital of Amadicia and virtually none in the Citadel of the Light. The Tower would price this information, but... she wasn't going to give it to them. They had exiled her and with the factions she and Karana were partially guilty for creating.... the Tower was even more split than the Whitecloaks. Light, the Dark One had to have a ball. "Politics... they're the same everywhere. But maybe when things escalate, the outcome will be for the best. What kind of a man do you think Goldren is?"

 

"Committed." Con wasn't entirely decided about the man, but then again he hadn't become a Child of the Light simply for the man, he had done so in order to serve a greater cause than himself, one that he thought was worthy. "He believes in what the Children be standing for. He do be believing that sometimes one must be doing what is necessary than what do be right, something we no be agreeing on but there it be. He no be as extreme as the Hand be, which do be the problem, they do be viewing him as too moderate."

 

Arette pursed her lips. Doing the right thing was important and something everyone should strive for, but knowing what was the right thing in some situations was pain. It seemed that the Tower and Goldren both believed in utilitarism and the greater good. She herself had done her share of not so morally upright decisions and envied no leader, who had to face them almost daily. "Ah well, it's beyond us. But... Con, what kind of a woman do you think that I am? Can you respect me morally? I mean, I have done some very despisable things personally and professionally. Most of them I regret, but a portion of the decisions as a Keeper definately had to be done..."

 

Looking down into Arette's eyes, Con spoke simply. "I do be thinking that you be making decisions because you do be genuinely believing they do be the best ones at the time. I would be doing differently in some things, but I no be you and it be up to you to be deciding what you be doing. I can no be expecting you to be me."

 

Returning the level stare lovingly, she murmured. "So you don't doubt my good will, but the ability to judge. Fair enough, I guess. Con... why haven't you kissed me properly yet?"

 

Ah, that, Con was wondering if that would come up. "Because I be thinking if I do be giving you such a kiss, I be wanting more than a single kiss. Your leg do be needing to heal." Ever practical, but also true, even if that could have used a bit of polish.

 

Light, she couldn't decide what to feel about that. Frustration definately and delight since he so obviously wanted her... "I... mmm... Ohh." She gave him a fierce squish and rested her head on his chest her arms wound tight around him. "It might not be a good idea then. But I want to..." It came off quite petulantly. "And I don't... or I do, of course I do... the afterwards..." She could feel the blush rising. Andorans were definately getting at her. "I mean..." She drew a deep breath. "Making love. We started from the wrong end in the start. I want to do it right this time."

 

"Then we do be waiting." Even though he only betrayed a slight smile, he had to admit he was laughing inside. They had spoken of such things so easily, yet clearly her time in Andor had made her rather... Well, not prudish, shy would be a better term. "You know, this new side of you do be rather cute."

 

There was something suspicious in his voice. Was it mirth? She lifted her head and got the confirmation from the amused curve of his lips. "You're laughing at me", she accused. And was being cute a good thing? Maybe. She lowered her chin to lean on his chest again and squirmed even closer. "But it's alright, I love you still. Will you stay here? Please."

 

Con managed to suppress a grin even though his eyes gave him away as he looked into Arette's. "Do I be looking like I be laughing at you? I would no be doing such a thing." Kissing her on the forehead again, this time to conceal the fact he was grinning, he had a straight face by the time he pulled back. "And I do be staying with you as long as I do be able to."

 

Arette rolled her eyes at his useless attempt to hide his merriment from her. But what ever made him happy. "What does that "as long as you're able" mean?"

 

"Sooner or later I do be needing to go and speak to the others. Someone do be needing to be getting you dinner no?"

 

"Oh, you were talking about tomorrow. That's good. I was worried you might try to sneak out tonight. And then I would have had to chain you to the bed." She gave him a challenging stare that was ruined only by the slightest reddening. She was very rusty at this. "I have my ways, you know."

 

"Yes, clearly you do be having your ways." Con's voice was tremoring slightly as he spoke but he forged on. "I no be knowing what to do, in fact you do b-" Trying not to laugh, Con averted his face but the way his chest shook from the contained laughter gave him away. Light but the way she blushed made him laugh.

 

He was guffawing at her! She had tried to be naughty and he just found it hilarious. She would show him. She and Telcia had amused each others with... ahem... Domani stories and she had a very good memory. She would kick his arse. Since he was already half turned from her, she pushed him a little to make him to turn on his side and spooned herself to his back to be in the position to whisper to his ear. "I am happy to have pleased you so, but maybe we should get some sleep tonight too. Only first we should revive a tradition I'm sure you remember, a bed time story. I know just the right one."

 

Light, was she really going to do this? The voices Telcia had been making had been most indecent. Such moans and sighs that you would believe she really was in throes of passion. But she was no coward. "Once upon a time in Arad Doman, there was a wandering knight...." , she started. By the time the story progressed to it's climax, her face was positively flaming. But making the voices had gotten much easier, she thought that she was very good at the end. And she was feeling quite... effected herself too. If Con was even in half the state, she was satisfied. Light, she couldn't sleep tonight. Having him in the same bed after this... what had she been thinking?

 

Con was shaking with laughter, in fact he'd let it slip a couple of times but thankfully Arette's voices had covered each explosion of mirth that escaped him. She was struggling with it, he knew it all too well, whereas he was used to hearing such stories in the barracks, be it the one in the Fortres of Light or at the foot of the White Tower. Luca who was no doubt downstairs drinking was himself quite the little gleeman when it came to such tales. Turning around so he faced her, Con's lip was trembling from the effort with her face as red as it was. "That do be masterful. In fa-" Laughing, Con enfolded her in a hug as he spoke "I do be loving you Arette."

 

 

Con Stavros

Child of the Light

 

Arette Nenatiar

Exiled Brown Sister

It took her a moment to realize what had happened with him embracing her and fuzzing her heated brain even further. He. Had. Laughed. At. Her. Again. After all this she had done and he found it just silly, found her silly, not even slightest bit sexy. The humiliation was searing and she could feel her heart falling all the way to the ground from the second floor where they were now and crumble there. If this was what Con had been feeling when he thought she had only been using him, that he had been nothing but a toy to her, she could understand why it had taken him a year to heal enough to bear to even see her face. She was stiff as a wooden statue in his arms and the hurt at her core was numbing. Even if he had tried to hurt her deliberately, she doubted that he could have paralled this. Her feminity and desirability had been utterly crushed and it was made only worse by Con holding her and telling that he loved her and asking what was wrong. Maybe he even did love her, but what did it matter if he didn't really want her.

 

The fragile ice keeping her pain at bay broke and she burst into violent tears. She didn't know how long she sorrowed, but finally the wrecking sobs calmed leaving her limp and grasping for air desperately. Con still cradled her, his strong hands encircling her tightly and it felt like they were the only thing keeping her together. He looked pained and repeated the love confession and asked again what was wrong. His voice sounded strained too and she didn't know was it from sheer exhaustion or saying the words so many times during her tantrum. She was hollow, so it was of no consequence anymore even if she told him. Obviously he was stupid enough to not have pieced it all together even by now.

 

"Oh Con, you really don't have a clue of what this is about?", her voice was a raw croak. She cleared her throat to normalize it a bit. "Fine, I'll tell you. It's not like it matters anymore. What is jealousy? It's uncertainty about the other person's love, but from whence it really stems is uncertainty of yourself. If you can't love yourself and be proud of yourself, how can you believe that anyone else could love you or want you? That's the bloody issue here." Her voice held no heat, she was merely stating facts. "If it had been Telcia reading that story, you couldn't move a muscle or your self-control would crack and you would take the woman beside you with no regard to the hurt leg or not. If only it had been any woman, but me. I only make you laugh, because I am so pathetic."

 

She sighed. "I wonder how ever made it through the tests for the shawl. I must be one of the failures of the system, one of those pitiful things, who crack later and cause trouble to everyone around them. I'm still the sorry seven year old girl, who was sent away from the home and was left asking why no one loved her. Why everyone she learned to love after that also left her? The answer is pretty obvious if you just think it. It's not them, it's me. There is something fundamentally wrong in me. Since even you couldn't see it, I'm pretty good at the masquerade game, aren't I? Well, could not see it until now."

 

"But check mate, end of the game. Now, would you please let me go. You really don't have to extend the pity that far."

 

Arette

Exiled Brownie with serious self-esteem issues

Tears had not been what Con had expected, far from it in fact. Holding her closer as she sobbed, all he could do was tell her he loved her and ask her what was wrong. Not that it seemed to matter, she was the incarnation of misery as she wept. What on earth was she crying for? The fact she wouldn't tell him tore at him, but he didn't go anywhere. He held her tighter still and waited it out as best he could, held her even as her grief seemed to subside, yet she wasn't well now that it was out.

 

Her words began to explain everything, and as much as Con kept a level face he found himself feeling more and more frustrated. Why did she always do this to herself? What aggravated him more was that he could see his past doubts in himself in the way she hurt herself now. In seeing that, he could not only understand how she felt, but that it wasn't going to be easy to do anything about it. Yet at the same time he was tired of her being like this, because by not having faith in herself she had no faith in him as well. They had started so well since they had decided to start anew, and now this.

 

Then again, something was only tested when it was in trouble. He couldn't afford to simply react as he once had, it would take patience if he wanted it to work. And he did. Ignoring her request to let her go, he was quiet as he looked down at her, waiting for her to meet his eyes before he said anything.

 

"The only thing that do be wrong be what you do be doing to yourself. You always do be saying that if Telcia do be doing this or that she do be doing it better, and you do be ignoring everything that do be good about you. Why do you be needing to be Telcia? Why do you be tearing yourself apart so? The only reason I do be laughing is because you do be blushing, not because you be pathetic, which you no be."

 

About to say something else, Con stopped himself for a moment, weighing his words before he spoke again. "Everyone do be leaving you? Despite all that do be happening between us, I do be here now. And no matter what you do be doing, you never do be getting rid of me. But what I do be saying be meaning little perhaps, while you do be hiding behind your past and drawing from the worst instead of the best. I do be leaving you to be thinking about it, we do be talking in the morning when you no be so tired."

 

Kissing her nose softly, Con disentangled himself before getting to his feet. Light, so help him he felt tired. These things were as draining as a battle, more so in some ways. At least combat was something he was used to, everything was alot simpler. This... Everytime was new, even when it was old, there was never any getting used to it. Opening the door, Con paused as a thought occured to him before turning to Arette.

 

"It no be mattering who be telling the story Arette, I only do be having eyes for one woman and that be you. Twist it whatever way you be wanting to, but it do be as simple as that. Good night Arette." Stepping inside his room, he closed the door behind him.

 

 

Con Stavros

Child of the Light

It was hard to meet Con's gaze, because Arette was expecting to see commiseration there. But he looked just determined. She listened to him gravely as if expecting her sentence to be read. It was true that she often compared herself to others and found herself lacking. But was it really that strange with the Tower full of competent women? There were some things that she was good in, but she was never the best. She strove for perfection and set high standards for herself and usually the easiest benchmark was another well achieved person. Was it really that wrong? She had thought that everyone did it. But maybe it was true that she had lost the focus on herself, she didn't really who she was and who she wanted to be.

 

When he spoke of that wretched story, it took a lot of concentration to not redden. She still thought that it was bad of him to have laughed, but then maybe it just wasn't his thing. She couldn't tell what he had to find arousing. But she very much wanted to know to avoid this kind of horrible mistakes in the future. Light, she had never been more embarrassed than now. Not only had she made herself rediculous by making all those... voices, but now this outburst too. And it hadn't been even a week from her last fit. He had to think that she was a horrible milksop. And she was! That was the worst thing. Suddenly a terrifying prospect dawned to her. Had Brandeis woke up in the other room and heard this all? She would die on the spot if he had.

 

But he went on and she found herself agreeing with his words. She did believe in him now, in them. It was difficult, but he had been so patient with her already. He had changed. It was only her, who hadn't. But then in the past she wouldn't have told him any of this. She would have just suffered alone and driven him away and been even more miserable. These stupid confessions and losses of control chagrined her greatly, but they were quite purifying. It was true that she was using her past as an anchor dragging her down. Her parents had been dead for over a century for Light's sake! And she was a mother herself now and hundred times a better one than her own mother had been. Only... hadn't she abandoned her babies for this mission? Her lower lip began to tremble again, but with a great effort she willed it steady. She would NOT snivel anymore.

 

He was going to leave! Arette wanted to reach out for him and beg him to stay, but she didn't do that either. Con staggered slightly when he stood and she realized how tired she was too. Venting out all these emotions had wrung her out and it mustn't have been easy to listen it either and hold her. But he had done it still. He really cared about her that much. She sat up in the bed to get a last good look on him before he vanished to his and... Light, to Brandeis' room. His parting words brought a faint smile to her lips before she slid down to her back staring intently at the closed door.

 

She couldn't get sleep right away, but instead of wallowing in the shame and accusing herself of her foolishness, she relived in her mind's eye some good memories, moments she was proud of. There were more of them than she had imagined now when she thought of it. Her Raising definately, she had been like a peacock with her shawl many weeks afterwards like all new Sisters. Her brother's eldest son's wedding and having Jerri embrace her when she was leaving and whisper that he loved her. It was the first time she had heard those words since she was seven and the last time until Con. Finding some rare books and negotiating them to become part of the Library's collections. Getting praise from her fellow Browns from some of her studies. Karana telling her that she was proud of her and that she was like a daughter to her.

 

Helping Telcia... Light, there really had been a time when Telcia had relied on her and she had been an elder friend, the comforter in their relationship. She had almost forgotten that. Mentoring Kit and their strong friendship despite all the trouble she had given to her and Ragan. Becoming the Keeper. It had been such an honour and she had been diligent and in her opinion good at her work... at the paperwork at least, she had been a horrible advisor and some of the disasters with the Hall had been her handiwork. But she was supposed to be thinking only good things now. The Illian project, even though Con didn't believe that it really worked... she would need to discuss with him about it too. Getting to know Calvin and their Bonding. Even now when he was steadily asleep, the connection was a comfort. Why hadn't she relied on it more lately? Willamina's approving nod when she had succeeded in concocting herbal potions or some other task and stopped pitying herself. And her children. Their toothless smiles and the evening baths, which were the favourite moment of the day for them all. They were such a delight.

 

So many happy occasions and successes and she had reveled only on the misfortunate ones. That would to stop now.

 

When the sleep finally came, there was a smile on her face.

 

Arette

Exiled Brownie