Elyssa walked through the halls of the Tower smoothing her dresses a bit as she walked. She hated how some of her dresses got so much static in them just from walking. Today she had choosen to wear one that was a lighter blue with a bit of pale yellow around the collar. Her slippers barely made any noise on the floors as she hurried back to her apartments. She'd been out all day enjoying the weather and having a picnic with Dafydd in the Ogier's Garden. She hadn't done that in some months with how busy she had gotten. She also hadn't had much time to spend with her fellow sisters and wondered how they had all been. There was one in particular that she was concerned with. The last time she had seen Estel the young Blue looked to be depressed. Elyssa had made up her mind weeks ago that she would invite the woman to her rooms for tea and a chat.

 

When she finally made it to her rooms she pulled out a piece of parchment from her desk and scribbled a little note on it. " Estel it would give me great pleasure if you would meet me in my apartments for tea. It's been too long since we last talked and I thought it'd be nice to have a chat." Once she finished the note she went out and slipped it under the door to Estel's apartments. She went back to her room and prepared the things she would need for the tea. She sent a novice off to bring up some biscuits and cakes and was all set to have Estel over for tea.

 

OOC: Sorry it took so long I had a final but done with class now so I have a lot more time.

 

 

 

She sat and stared at the letter for a long while before reading it. She lacked curiosity as to what it contained- she lacked any emotion now. She felt nothing, even as she remembered her fight with Orion: no pain, no sadness, nothing. She might have asked herself ‘what was wrong with her?’, but she lacked the concern. There was nothing but an empty shell sitting reading the letter in her apartments.

 

"Estel it would give me great pleasure if you would meet me in my apartments for tea. It's been too long since we last talked and I thought it'd be nice to have a chat."

 

Should she go? She checked the Bond, as if asking Matthias for an answer and was surprised to feel his presence so close. He was coming through the door. Did that surprise her? No, she couldn’t feel surprise.

 

Any woman would have had her heart warmed by the look the tall, handsome man who strode through the doorway gave her. But not her. As always, the Bond carried concern. Concern and an undercurrent of jealous triumph. The latter awoke the nearest thing to emotion she felt: a sense of disgust.

 

With a warm smile, Matthias came and set his callused hands on her shoulders. Through the thin silk she wore, she could feel the roughness of him hands as they gently massaged her shoulders. Matthias had a touch that could melt a woman, but Estel felt nothing. She was used to those hands. Too used to them, she didn’t want them on her.

 

Turning, she blankly gave the note to him. Few people would have seen the signs of a change in emotion in Matthias’ face, but she knew him well. After sharing her bed with him in the last few months, she wondered whether there was anything she didn’t know about him. Not that she ever asked, pried or even wondered, but driven as he was by his love for her, he flooded his soul out to her. And not a part of his soul ever touched the heart of stone within her chest.

 

It was so easy to make him the scape-goat for her problems. But even as stubborn as she was, she couldn’t do that. Nor could she blame Orion. All fault was hers. Her and her stupid pride. She looked at the Great Serpent ring on her finger. ’Do I deserve this?’ she asked herself, but the question lacked concern or curiosity. What did it matter?

 

“Go.†Matthias’ voice was stern. Few people would cross a stern Warder, even Aes Sedai tread lightly around them. But Estel, in her emptiness, was reckless.

 

“Why?†she asked. She could feel a twinge of fear in him when she talked. He was afraid for her, afraid of what he- no she- had done to her soul.

 

“Because it would be good for you to talk to someone again.â€

 

“I’m talking to you aren’t I?â€

 

The Malkieri’s mouth twisted in frustration. He was growing angry, she could see it in his face and feel it through the Bond. An angry Warder was a rabid she-wolf protecting her cub, no one went to fight her then, not even with a sword. Estel refused to submit, even in her empty state she was stubborn. ’Is this what is keeping me going? My stubbornness and pride? Is this what is at my core? They never should have given me the shawl, I don’t deserve it.’

 

Another arrow pierced her heart, and for the first time in her life, she submitted to someone else against her will without a fight. She was alone in her emptiness with only her pride to comfort her. Pride was a cold companion when it was warmth that was needed.

 

Matthias too felt her grow more impossibly empty, but there was nothing her could do. Blank eyes stared at him and then moved towards the door as Estel left for Elyssa’s room. Through the Bond, she felt Matthias punch the wall. She felt his knees hit the floor as he sank down and blamed himself for her problems. Even as she felt Matthias torture himself with guilt, she ignored it and kept walking. She didn’t care- not for herself, not for him, not for anyone.

 

Finally, she rapped at Elyssa’s door.

 

ooc: phew...finally got it up...sorry 'bout that...

OOC: Sorry it took so long to reply I'll do better in the future I promise. The move is done till we buy a house.

 

IC: Elyssa opened the door as soon as she heard the knock. This conversation was going to be a long one and she was prepared with tea and biscuits of all sorts. Estel was standing outside her door the girl looked as though she had been crying but Elyssa couldn't tell for sure. What she could tell was the the woman was depressed. It was not good to be show that much emotion walking around the tower. All Elyssa could do was take the woman in an embrace and hold her till she felt the woman knew she was more than welcome in Elyssa's rooms.

 

Elyssa pointed to a chair for Estel to sit in and offered her tea and a cookie. Estel accepted but it seemed to be out of instinct rather than actually wanting any. Elyssa began to grow more concerned for her sister and wanted to ask what was wrong but knew the time for that would come in it's own time.

 

"How have you been these last few months Estel we don't get together often enough."

There was really very little reaction to the embrace. She had hidden her emotional self behind thick walls and stayed hidden there from the pain. She hugged Ely back, but it was devoid of any real feeling.

 

"How have you been these last few months Estel we don't get together often enough."

 

Estel took a seat and forced a bitter smile. The tightness of the Three Oaths forbid her to lie and an evasion was her only option. "I'm slowly adjusting from Accepted to Aes Sedai." No lie and she didn't reveal any of her true plight.

 

She wasn't really sure why she talked to no one of her problems, except that she was nervous to let anyone else close to her. Orion had shattered that part of her trust and she was in no way ready to trust again.

 

Perhaps another part was that she was afraid. Afraid of facing judgement and being found wanting. It was better to simply avoid it all. It was so much easier, so much less painful.