Sandre awoke early on his day off with Edana. He watched as Edana dressed for work. He would have got up and helped her get ready but she accused him of overworking and now made it a point to "convince" him to stay in bed on his days off. Tired from how convincing she was he watched. He still couldnt believe she was his sometimes. When she had first got up he out loud had said "Wow" at the sight of her. He didnt mean to but the smile he got back made him not regret saying it out loud at all. She was amazing in her beauty. He didnt even get jealous anymore that others looked at her too. Mostly men but more than a few women too.

 

His mind wandered back to time at the lake and dancing in the ruins of a castle ballroom and the various other things they did on the way back from the Borderlands. She had changed so much. Didnt try so hard to keep him out, they had not argued once and instead were so open and honest. The fact that Edana changed so much was the biggest surprise. It was rather drastic, not enough to where she wanted him to grow his marriage braid but drastic enough. She still said she was a soldier first and Sandre accepted that as long as she was his. Sometimes though he wondered how true that was. It mattered little to him as he drifted off to sleep as close to her side of the bed as possible. Her scent on her pillow relaxing him to the point where he couldnt keep his eyes open anymore.

 

He never slept long and certainly not recently. Edana was stiff and stubborn about paying for her own way, though she cherished every gift he ever bought her. She still wore the ruby ring he had made for her and carried the sword he helped make her. However as Sandre woke again an hour or so later he rose quickly and had breakfast. Moving as to avoid Edana's notice as she made her rounds on the wall. He didnt want her efforts at making him stay in bed seem a waste after all, he thought with a smile. It was straight to the armory with Dante to work on a suit of armor made and fitted to Edana.

 

Sandre could shape the steel plates, Dante's steady hands worked on the mail. The chains were smaller leaving less of a gap but she had to be able to move, hence why Dante worked that and on nothing else. They were also steel, unlike that carbon filled iron that was usually used for armor and weapons. The mail when it was done would be lighter, stronger, and more flexible than even the mail on Sandre's armor. The plates themselves were made from a steel so strong it was a test of endurance and patience to shape it. Fitted under the plates were two layers of boiled leather to silence the armor and protect against piercing weapons. There was a specially woven silk padding for the armor that could not be pierced by arrows though the arrows could still pierce the body, the leather the chain went over also was multiple layers. It was nowhere near done, the chain had to be extra thick in the neck and under the arms and Sandre continuously scrapped and reforged any plates that did not ring like crystal when struck as they should, unlike the dull clank of the common suit of armor.

 

He would catch sight of her on occasion as she walked passed on the wall but never looked his way. She seemed distracted today and in that bulky chain she was wearing she likely would come home sore and tense. Sandre did recall she had not drank her tea, though the chances of her becoming pregnant for missing one day were next to none, she had never forgot before. He would talk to her later and reassure her and he was sure that all would be well.

Edana went through the motions of her watch, but her mind wasn't really on it. She swore she caught glimpses of Sandre here and there, but shook her head at her silliness. He was taking it easy... he promised. She nodded to a passing guardsmen as their paths crossed and sighed as she continued on her way. She counted steps, counted guards, counted rings in the mail shirt as it rubbed raw spots in her shoulders. Anything to keep from thinking about what was really bothering her.

 

She was late. Oh, not in her rounds or her training. She was late the way women are late when they're normal. The "husband is going to be so happy" way. She didn't have one of those, no matter how much Sandre hinted that he wanted to change that. She was scared more than she cared to admit that he was going to get tired of waiting. If he asked, she'd say no, just as she always had. How long would he take that for an answer? Especially if there were a child involved?

 

She closed her eyes and leaned her shoulder on the wall for a second. Light help her! A child, really? She needed that the way she needed a horde of trollocs at the front gate. Truth be told, she'd rather have the trollocs. Trollocs you kill and move on. Children needed to be tended to, loved, fed, played with, taught...

 

 

She shook her head and started moving again. She knew nothing about being a mother. That was the most frightening thing. She'd been raised by her father and brothers. She'd never spent much time in the company of women. Until Sandre, she could easily have lived the rest of her life without caring whether she was a man or a woman. He changed everything.

 

As her shift finished, she waved to the guard taking over her post and made her way back to her room to grab a change of clothes and bathe. Light please send these fears were for nothing! She was a soldier, for land's sakes! What business did a soldier have with a child?

Sandre was waiting by the door when she walked in. A quick kiss and he started helping her out of her armor, being gentle where he knew she would be irritated. They made progress on the armor. Dante was still out there working on the mail. They had the leather and the padding. All that really remained was mounting the leather under the plates and polishing it to a shine... and the mail of course. Sandre wanted to add some gold designs but that too would need Dante's hand. As soon as Edana was stripped down from her work attire Sandre started with aloe extract and the various other medicinal herbs that usually Edana complained about the scent of. Today she was just silent. He knew why. Slowly she relaxed, thought not all the way.

 

"I would not worry so my love. You have been careful and the tea can do some odd things when you stop taking it. You know this. We never spoke of what you would do if it really did happen but I had always assumed we both knew. You were so sure that nothing would come in the way of you being a soldier first. What has changed to cause such discomfort? I knew you wouldnt want to keep a child if being a soldier came first, I had accepted you regardless."

 

He had his suspicions. He wouldnt want to hurt something that was a part of her either. Something innocent and pure who did not ask to come into this world. She had been so determined though, had that changed? Had her priorities changed from being a soldier first?

Ed didn't put up a fight when Sandre started helping her with her armor. She'd long since given up her independent streak in that regard. She appreciated the help, especially when her mind wasn't in it the way it was now. She felt muscles complain as she settled on the edge of the bed and nearly sighed in relief as he started rubbing smelly liniments into them. They relaxed, slowly and not completely, but anything was better than the tenseness she'd dealt with all day.

 

She stiffened almost immediately when he started talking about what she thought she'd hidden. He knew what was bothering her?!? She closed her eyes, glad he was still massaging her back while he spoke, though she knew he felt the muscles tensing under his fingertips. He was right, it could just be the change in her diet, but...

 

"I'm afraid," she whispered softly, half-hoping he didn't hear her. "That's what's changed."

 

She turned towards him, pulling away enough to look at him. "There's no easy way to mesh what I am, what I've always been with the thought of being..." she paused, having a hard time pushing the words past her lips. "... a mother. Do you realize that I have no experience with them? At all? I wouldn't know what to do! I've never been around children, Sandre! The youngest person I've ever had to deal with was already nearly a man when I trained him!"

 

She sighed and stood, grabbing a robe and wrapping it around her so she could pace. The fact that she'd been on her feet all day didn't seem to matter, at the moment. Could she get rid of a child if the situation proved true? She shuddered to think of that, doubting she could do it, but doubting she could raise a child, too. Her mind was spinning with thoughts and emotions and her hands were ringing as she paced. For once, she wasn't bothering to hide her agitation. That alone was a big give-away that she wasn't herself.

 

 

~Ed

She was agitated and Sandre calmly remained where he was seated. "There are other options... Edana... My father and eldest brother would take the child as soon as it could be weaned. My cousin A'tal would and if you let him he would raise it as his own. It would never know its true parents. He looks like me and his wife looks like you.. it wouldnt figure it out. You would not be a soldier for a couple years but you wouldnt have to... kill... it..."

 

He discovered even he couldnt say it. They were both soldiers and both had seen their share of death among friends and family but this was different. It was an innocent who didnt ask to live and would die by their hands.

 

"It would have its cousins, grandfather, and uncle at our manor in Andor. It would be raised well. Do not despair. There are always other options." He walked up and held her to stop her pacing. He had come up behind her and placed his arms on her belly and realized it too late. The flood gates were already open though. She would start to remember the times she stayed in bed and was late for work to be with him, times she turned down extra shifts or missed practice and exercises to spend time with him. She would remember all the times she daydreamed of him instead of focusing on her job. What would she decide with that knowledge though? He held her tighter. He knew, for her, the job came before him. Her attachment though, was too strong. He let go when he felt her shift. She turned to face him and he stared into her eyes. He didnt hide his worries with her anymore. That had caused problems before their separation. So he just asked. "Am I going to lose you now?" Even the thought pained him and he didnt bother to hide it. Hiding it was almost like dishonesty. He was aware she wanted to say no but would she?

When he mentioned letting someone else raise her child, putting her blood in someone else's hands, Ed shuddered. No, that wasn't an option, either. She couldn't bear knowing she'd given up before giving it a try. Could she risk trying, though? She closed her eyes as his hands cupped around her belly. It was still flat and she prayed it stayed that way, but...

 

She sighed. It felt right. It felt good with his arms around her and she couldn't deny the warmth the thought of belonging in a family, a real family that loved each other and protected each other, brought her. When she opened her eyes, though, she saw her sword belt hanging near the door where she'd hung it after coming in. She thought of everything they'd been through in the last few years, all the nights spent snuggled together and all the days spent crying when they were apart.

 

He let go of her and she turned in his arms. She saw the acceptance in his eyes, the small spark of hope and pain that lingered no matter how hard he tried to hide it. Then he stopped hiding it and she felt the prick of tears behind her eyes. "Am I going to lose you now?"

 

She flinched, blinking and shaking her head to clear it. What did he ask her? It took a minute, but the words sank in. She shook her head slowly, taking a step back and punching him in the arm. "What a thing to contemplate!"

 

She turned and sat at the head of the bed, drawing her legs up and wrapping her arms around them. She watched him a second and shook her head again. "We're faced with a life-altering event and you're worried I'm going to bolt like a deer scenting a hunter? Truly, Sandre? In one breath volunteering to give our child away so I'd never have to see it and in the next asking if I'm leaving just because the possibility exists? Did I rattle a bit loose in the Borderlands, Kaldun? I can punch you in the face again, if it'll get the rocks settled back right..."

 

~Edana

 

 

 

Sandre sat on the bed. "You said you were a soldier first Edana... made me brand that in my mind that you are a soldier first and that is why the best I can do is to accept that. I have accepted that and lived that but you have been late to work to stay with me you have grown attached to me and your career as a soldier has not been the front of your life."

 

He was still calm. "You gave me that rule. That one rule, that one thing you said nothing could stand in the way of or it would not be a part of your life just as you are thinking now with a possible child. But I am in the way now Edana. You put me before your life as a soldier. I dont want to lose you dont you see that?" He took her hand. "and you never run... but will you go through with putting me out of your life like you said you would? It wouldnt make sense to me. I put you first too even if I do overwork. Have I not made you happier as we are now than you were when being a soldier really was the number one part of your life?"

 

He slouched slightly. "You have never lied to me either... how could I suspect anything other than you pulling away from me? You asked me to trust you too. Im sorry I asked but I have your soldier first rule and the fact that you never lie working against me right now and I have to know what you are going to do."

 

Neither couldnt believe that they had once had trust issues. Now his unbreakable trust in her was like to break his heart. Neither could believe he had thought her dishonest once. Now her word to him he trusted so strongly he felt hopeless. Putting him aside... would be keeping her word. He buried his face in his hands. "Creator's love Edana I only asked because I have not once strayed from my promise of acceptance and trust of you. Please do not be angry my dear heart I didnt mean it to hurt you dont you see that?"

Edana laid her head on her raised knees. He was right and yet, it sounded so wrong. She hadbeen late for preferring to spend time with him. Her words repeated her soldier mantra, but had her actions?

 

Her head began to ache with the confusing thoughts rambling through her head. She was a soldier, it was all she knew. The years she spent without Sandre were torture, though, and she doubted if she'd survive it the way things stood between them, now.

 

"I don't know what I'm doing, Sandre," she said, her voice muffled against her legs. "I don't think I could bear to be without you, but I don't think I could give up my life here, either. This is no place for a family and I..." She shook her head, raising it finally to look at him. "I'm afraid, Sandre. I've only ever felt this once in my life and I'm not sure how many of my brothers lived to tell about it."

 

~Edana

Sandre moved to sit next to her. His words had struck true. He Leaned against the wall behind their bed and pulled her into his lap. So light she always felt in his hands. He loved the way she would go limp under his touch. Wrapping his arms around her he spoke in whispers. "You do not need to be afraid. You are not facing life alone." He just held her a few minutes before he spoke up again. "This may not be an ideal place but how many places truly are ideal? Who really has the whole parenting thing right? You grew up with your father and he was a soldier. Your brothers after you kept you at a home and was that any better? I think it was worse on you. Thera raises her little one here and shes as cute a button."

 

Maybe she didnt know anything about raising kids but Sandre knew Thera's daughter worked her way into the hearts of many of the guards. He didnt think Edana would be an exception. "Our shifts are just different enough to make it work. Dante would look after it in a pinch though I dont trust him to not teach it to pick locks or something. There are other concerns though... if its a girl and shes here... well the one power runs strong in my blood. If its a boy theres the issue of our male's memory. It tends to cause us emotional issues in our youth since we cant forget things we dont want to remember."

Edana tried to imagine towing a little one around with her, but that made her imagine having one. Would it have Sandre's serious eyes? Would it have her temper? She sighed and laid her head on his shoulder, wishing she could find her way through her muddled thoughts.

 

She knew it would make him happy. It would cement their relationship and she could hardly continue saying no when he brought up the idea of marriage if there were a child involved. His family would never stand for a bastard child, no matter how Sandre might fight them about it to keep her happy. Was she just being self-centered, then?

 

She raised her eyes to watch his expression, her fingertips tracing the strong line of his jaw. She used to fear that she couldn't live in his world, that the responsibilities of his noble blood would prove her undoing. She'd forgotten about that, thinking she could put off dealing with it a bit longer. Had the Creator decided differently, then? Was He forcing her hand, pushing her to make a choice? Sandre would never do it, not after all they'd been through. Had fate decided it was time he did?

 

It felt better getting these things out in the open, but it didn't make her head hurt any less. He'd apparently been thinking about it, too. She tried to picture Dante, the doting uncle, and the thought brought a laugh to her lips. "Can you see Dante chasing a two year old around the Yards because he won't sit still?"

 

~Ed

 

Dante running around the yards chasing a likely naked two year old was one thing. "You better hope its not a 'he' if thats going to happen. Remember the males do not forget. He may try to borrow Uncle Dante's Warder Cloak if hes going to run for it. Think of how much trouble a toddler gets into and add a toddler who knows you cant see him into that equation... thankfully the Kaldun girls are always rather tame. Though if she looks anything like you or my sister then thats a whole new set of worries. If shes as firey as you that too brings up new possibilities."

 

He squeezed her a moment and kissed her cheek. "Of course this is all hypothetical until you see a Yellow." That was the next step in it all he figured. She would see the yellow then figure out what she needed to based on what she found. The whole thing was unsettling. Sandre knew little about kids. Eldest however had several already. The family had been scrambling to make sure they had something to leave to each of them when it was time to inherit. With a sigh he spoke. "Edana I think your old life is gone. How good of a soldier were you when we were apart?" He didnt mention that he knew about the fight with Dante. "While you can on occasion be late... if I was Captain I wouldnt care considering how detached from humanity you are when we are apart. Your not serving anyone that way. Your likely to get someone or yourself hurt or worse. Late or not your a better soldier with me with the way things are right now. As I am with you. Having you as my life's first priority has made me train harder and fight harder and just try everything harder because Im not just doing it for myself anymore. For me to be a better soldier, I had to live for 'us' rather than me."

Ed sighed. "I'm not detached from humanity," she said softly, turning her eyes away. "It's more that I just don't see a reason in leaving people breathing if I don't have to."

 

She frowned, letting his words add to the swirl of things in her head. Yes, a Yellow was the next stop, if she wanted to announce it to the world, which she didn't. Light, but the others had only recently stopped treating her like a traveling sideshow! She wasn't about to give them more fodder to expound on. How long could she stall him before he started driving her insane asking her about it? How long could she hold out before he drug her to the infirmary himself?

 

She curled her hand in his, idly tracing her love in his palm while more questions erupted in her head. He wasn't letting her lighten the mood with conversation and she couldn't get this nagging line of thought out of her head, either. This was going to be a long night...

 

 

~Ed

Edana resolved to wearing him out that night so he would sleep in and again kept him in bed the next morning so she wouldnt have to see a yellow. She was being so nice, attentive, and eager he was content to let her. Besides he had something more devious on his mind. He never said she couldnt go see a yellow. He simply allowed her to delay it. Sandre stretched with a smile on his face as Edana lay sleeping. He went to the Smith where Dante was already hard at work on the mail. A smile came across Sandre's face as he wondered when Edana would stop working while pregnant and figured he should consider some armor for pregnant women. Sandre looked at the mail, it seemed about as flexible as a shirt. Sandre would be working on the final plates and start on the gold designs on the shoulder plates and chest piece today. The gold was not set into the plate itself. He didnt want to compromise her safety for style. He recalled carving rose patterns into the jade used for the handle of her sword and went with gold roses crossed on the chest between the breasts and a vine going around the shoulder plates with thorns. He had also set a deep red garnet below the neck, garnet was the warriors stone. Dante did all the actual detail work to it and the two of them fit it all together. When the two finished and assembled the armor, it was time to wake up Edana while Dante did the polishing.

 

She was awake when he walked in though she seemed to be pretending not to be. He remembered her breathing patterns though. He laid across the bed and whispered to her. "Time for your appointment dear." She pulled the covers up. Sandre smiled. "Either that or a repeat of this morning." He knew she was sore, even still she considered it. "I will give you a massage when we get back." She wasnt facing him so he couldnt tell if she was smiling. "I will take you out to eat... wherever you want to go." She was smiling now. "I will be your adoring love slave for a day.. final offer."

 

She sat up. After a quick trip to the bath house for both of them where Sandre was sure to be on his most playful behavior, and a large breakfast, they went to see the Yellow. Sandre was quiet while Edana explained the situation and she laid down on the bed. The Aes Sedai commented on Edana limping when she came and asked if she had hurt her leg. Before Edana could answer she followed it up with "Oh... never mind." and looked towards Sandre. Edana looked at him too. Red of face and looking like she wanted to hit him. Sandre quickly excused himself and waited outside.

Ed stared around her, marveling at how easily Sandre had gotten her here. She really did need to be more difficult there, but...

 

She sighed inwardly, dreaming about a massage. She felt horrible, physically miserable, and once her blush disappeared she turned her eyes to the Aes Sedai with her hands on her hips staring at her. She could read the expression well enough and closed her eyes. This... this was why she didn't want to be here. She'd wanted to avoid this very moment and somehow, Sandre had urged her to it. It annoyed her a bit, but at least the woman didn't voice what was so obviously hanging in her eyes.

 

She shivered as she felt the tingle of the woman's work laid on her skin and pushed through her. It didn't take long before the woman lifted her eyes to Ed's. "A cold," she said finally, sounding as if she couldn't believe her time had been wasted so badly. "A bit of an upset stomach, too. I shall pen a note to your Captain. Tower Guards are little to no use if they're overexerting themselves while they're sick."

 

It seemed the last wasn't just for her Captain. She murmured her thanks, her eyes wide as she slid off the low cot and pulled herself to her feet. She moved through the door as if in a trance, barely realizing Sandre coming to move with her. When had she started hoping she was carrying his child? She'd spent most of the last week praying she wasn't. Now...

 

 

...well, now she was a bit sad that she wasn't. Talk about the grass being greener...

 

~Edana

Sandre waited patiently along with several other men. Some there for the same reason and some not. Some had children with them. Tower Guards, Servants of the Tower, even a Warder. A female looking close to Edana if lacking some of her beauty came out and made the announcement of her own pregnancy. Sandre thought it would be funny if the guy looked like him but the man that rushed up to meet her was half her size in height and weight causing him to smirk. He wasnt sure what result he wanted. He was afraid of both. She could be pregnant and decide to be rid of the pregnancy. This he feared more than anything though he doubted Edana was cold enough to do it. Regardless she had made it abundantly clear that she didnt want a child. If she came out happy well... then she wouldnt have to make that choice it would seem.

 

When she finally came out she looked... well really disappointed and sad. Was there a reason to be disappointed though? It hit him like a hammer when he figured it out. (She wanted the child? Why?) He waited on asking. Instead he walked up and held her a moment. She seemed almost limp in his arms so after a time he released her and took her hand and walked her home. He massaged her and held her. She would talk when she was ready.

Ed blinked a bit numbly when Sandre wrapped his arms around her and let him lead her back to their room. He didn't say anything and it took her a few moments to realize it. She dropped onto the bed, reaching for the blankets and wrapping herself in them, murmuring about being sick and needing the rest. She stared at the wall, wishing her thoughts would just be still for once!

 

The tears shocked her a little and she swiped at them. Her irritation at them only seemed to make them worse and before long she couldn't hide them anymore. She put her hand up to keep Sandre from asking her what was wrong as she drew herself up against the headboard. "I'm not pregnant," she said between hiccups. "And I don't know why I'm crying about it!"

 

~Ed

poor, confused Ed...

Sandre was rather amused. There were several reasons she could have been crying. Sandre could not pinpoint the one. "There could be many reasons Edana. It could be that you never expected to be loved and you have me now and I proved your notions of life wrong. If you were wrong about that it could be that you are figuring out you could be wrong about children. It could be that you are a soldier. Trained to destroy life, this would have been a chance to create some and make up for the lack of love from your own early life." Sandre laid down on his back across the bed so his head rested at her feet. "Im not sure of your reason. It could be more than one, in fact I am willing to bet on it. Might I suggest a compromise then?"

 

He got up and walked to their armor stands which Sandre always insisted on keeping covered with canvas when they werent using their armor. "Your mail is not weighted properly. How you wear it more than three hours is beyond me." He removed the canvas though he still blocked her vision of the gleaming plate and mail that Dante had placed their for them. "If you werent so tired at night you really would be pregnant. If you didnt spend so much time putting on and adjusting that mail, not to mention the maintenance of it... you wouldnt be late to work so often... this was going to be your anniversary gift but I thought of something much better for that, so you can have this now."

 

He walked briskly back to the bed and laid on his side looking at it. "There... you want to be the best soldier you can be, this will help you not be so late all the time. You want to spend time with me, this will be easier to put on and maintain, so you will have the time that usually makes you late every morning." His voice took on a tone that indicated he wanted to laugh "If you want to get pregnant... while its not an easy thing to do and will take long nights together, every night, until if finally happens, well you shouldnt be so tired when you get home."

 

He rolled on to his back and looked up at her. "It doesnt fix everything... you will still put me first. With a little effort you can be all three of the things you wanted though. The perfect soldier, my woman,... and a mommy if you wanted to be."

Edana eyed him as he spoke. He was so sure of himself. The little devil in her wanted to provoke him about it, point out that his confidence at having becoming a large factor in her life could change any time. The urge to deflate his self-assurance burned in her thoughts. She opened her mouth to do just that, glad for a deflection of her misery. Then he stepped away from the armor stand. Her eyes met the delicate links and plating of a shiny new suit of mail. Whatever he said after that was lost on her. Her irritation dissipated faster than it flared.

 

She lowered her legs to the floor, crossing it slowly, as if not believing what she was seeing. He'd been putting so much pressure on her to give up her life as a solider and focus on being his wife. She knew his confidence grew from knowing she'd found misery without him and was loathe to give in to it again. She wouldn't put it past his dratted brother to have told him everything that had happened the year they were apart. Knowing how miserable she'd been, what a terror she'd been to be around, would only boost his confidence that, eventually, he'd win her over and she'd give up everything she knew for him.

 

But the mail gleaming across the room said something completely different. She ran her fingers over the links, feeling their smooth polish. She lifted the mail that would cover her arm to the middle of her forearm and felt how light the metal was. She could see how well made the suit was and doubted Sandre would ever give her sub-standard craftsmanship. She turned back towards him, her eyes wide. Had he truly accepted that she needed this life, this position here in the Tower, in order to be comfortable in her own skin? She blinked as his last words sank in to her thoughts. Did he truly believe she, of all people, could balance being three things at once?

 

"It's beautiful," she said, knowing it was a lame description at best. She still held the sleeve in one hand, her fingers idly tracing the links under her fingertips. "I wish I had your confidence..."

 

~Ed

Sandre eye'd her curiously as she fingered the mail. "Lack of confidence you say? You can brave being lost in the Blight, starving, out numbered, tired, and with everyone looking to you to make it all better but you dont think you can handle a child?" He grinned at her. "This is hypothetical of course. You have handled me and your job just fine. I think you have sold yourself short Edana. Perhaps you wish to adopt a pet or try baby sitting to see if you can handle it?"

 

Sandre wasnt sure about the pet. He knew though that if Edana got around children her heart would melt. She was a softy inside as much as she hated the girly aspects of herself. He had Thera's daughter in mind. That one was way too cute for her own good. Sandre too was fearful of the changes a child would bring. He loved to dote on Edana, but a child you couldnt do that with.

 

He watched her for a time just feeling the mail. "Lift it." He said with a smile. "Most smiths wouldnt use the steel I used on the plates. Takes too long to shape properly. But you can double the thickness and the weight wouldnt be any different than any other plate and mail that was fitted to your body. Might still be lighter in fact. The difference is the strength of the armor. It will take a heck of a strike to pierce that." He gave her a moment to take it all. She would decide what she wants.

Edana heard him and nodded distractedly as she lifted the sleeve of the mail between her fingers. It was very light and if he said it would be difficult to get a blade through, she believed him. She thought of getting a pet for about ten seconds, then shook her head. With the nature of her work, she couldn't guarantee she wouldn't be sent out on patrol and be gone for a week or more. Worse, she could be reassigned to the Borderlands and where would that leave the beast?

 

She sighed, releasing the mail and turning back towards him. "You realize there's no way I can be everything at once, right? It works for Thera because she's here, her work doesn't take her away from the Tower very often. We don't have that luxury, Sandre. At any moment, an Aes Sedai could require an escort and where would that leave a child?" She shook her head, sinking onto the corner of the bed again. "Until that changes, there's just not a way to make a pet or a child work with our lives."

 

She couldn't look at him, especially not knowing she wanted a child, his child, nearly as much as he did. Would the day ever come where she could be comfortable being a wife and mother? She rubbed her forehead, pinching the skin between her thumb and forefinger. When that didn't help, she waved her hand and crawled up the bed and under the covers. "The Aes Sedai said I was getting sick and I needed rest for a few days. She was sending a note around to the Captain. I'd be careful being too close, Sandre, unless  you want to end up as miserable as I am..."

 

~Ed

It was as good as a dismissal. Sandre understood her need for privacy for awhile. Not that it didnt bother him any less that she would want to be alone when all he wanted was to make her feel better. "Very well... I do not fear being sick or miserable but I will go and help the Captain cover your shift. I will return in a couple hours with some soup and to check on you." He silenced his foot falls while crossing the room and quietly opened the door. It seemed to add to the bitterness of the moment that playful laughs of children chasing each other down the halls was heard when he opened the door, followed by the shouting of their Tower Guard parents. Edana had to have heard that. One was barely walking and as naked as the day he was born and finding it too funny that everyone was chasing him, the other, his older sister, laughed at the boy's escape attempt as she followed behind him. It was one of those moments where Sandre didnt know what to say to make up for that. "I love you Edana." was all he could think of. She knew it was true though. He would take her, however she allowed him to have her, no matter what that meant.

Edana heard the laughter and the sound of running down the hallway and closed her eyes tight, willing the sound away. She repeated over and over in her head that she didn't need children, that she had no place in her life for them. It didn't change the aching stab that sliced through her at the sound, though.

 

She heard Sandre's voice through it and eased herself up. She wanted to forget about this, to get back to the happiness they'd shared before this became an issue. She knew it pained him and wished, not for the first time, that she could be something other than what she was. She knew better than to think he'd find someone else, though. That mess in the Borderlands had cured her of that. She wished he would, no matter that it would leave her miserable, if only so she could see his eyes dance while watching his children running down the barracks corridors.

 

He would make an amazing father and that made this hurt even more. She knew she wasn't the same woman who'd signed her name in the logs so long ago, but she was still far from the woman he needed at his side. Would she get there before it was too late for them to enjoy this part of life?

 

"I love you, too, Sandre," she said softly. She didn't know if he heard her, but felt the truth of it all the way to her soul. She was damned to watch this, over and over, until she changed completely. And their love damned him to walk through it, too. There was just no winning this battle...

 

~Ed

Sandre returned after helping the Captain with the paperwork and shifts. Something he did every week to ease the burden on the Captain. Sandre's approach kept the guards on their toes and made it so they didnt end up in the same spots over and over again. He also took their preferences for time off and posts into account. It left him with more shifts at the gates dealing with drunkards rather than peaceful walks on the wall but work was work. He had told Dante he had to cancel teaching him trade for the day since Edana was sick so Dante brought soup over as Sandre headed towards the barracks. Dante was a great cook, great with his hands in general as opposed to Sandre being great with his mind.

 

He walked silently into the room and set the food down on the table on Edana's side of the bed. She was sweating and Sandre felt her forehead. She had a slight fever so he took a wash cloth and wet it in cold water. He also brought a container with a small amount of cold water in case she sicked up as sometimes people do with fevers. She awoke at his touch and tried to shake her head away from the rag. "Your hot... its this or back to the Yellows." That did the trick. When she cooled her set her up and helped her drink and fed her. When she finished he helped her get into some clean clothes since hers were drenched.

 

She was almost delirious. She needed her rest though. Sandre recalled when he had met her father that he had sang a particular song. He would never live it down if she remembered. He never told her that Kaldun's had to take lessons in singing and a musical instrument, that usually only came out when they were all alone together and drunk. Again Dante was better but Sandre was rather good himself. His cousin Lyse was good enough that she had sang in the King's Court in Shienar. Reluctantly he gave in and stroked her hair while he whispered the tune to her. She stopped moving and was fast asleep. He took the tray of dishes and left after awhile. He would return when she awoke.

Ed wasn't sure when she fell asleep, but the nightmares were nearly impossible to wake up from. She shook until she buried herself in the bedclothes. She had a vague memory of cold on her face and thought she remembered Sandre pouring something down her throat. She even remembered thinking it was a very good soup, though what was in it or what it tasted like was beyond her capacity for memory. Her memory fuzzed a bit, followed by a return of the nightmares. Only the memory of her father's voice...

 

Was that her father's voice? It was her father's song, but...

 

She cracked her eyes open, still seeing Sandre through her heavy lids. It couldn't be, though. How would he have known that song? She doubted he sung it to the men he trained...

 

 

 

She shook herself awake and sat up. She felt weak and her clothes were sticking to her a little, but she felt better. She slumped back onto the pillow, closing her eyes. "I hate being sick," she said. Her eyes strayed to the mail on the stand on the other side of the room and her lips twitched. She must've done something right to deserve a man like him...

 

~Ed