The manor was quiet when Mina entered it feeling heartsick. She paid attention to every detail and touched objects lovingly as she passed saying her goodbyes. She would be leaving soon and Duram would come for her and deal with her accordingly. But first she would have to face Nyssa, the woman who had given her nothing but warmth and kindness that she had repaid by beating up her eldest son. She needed to fetch some equipment from the kitchen first, she would carve Pander Wilke out of her for good and the pain was part of the repentance. Mary wasn't there and Mina ached to see her too one last time before she too would watch her with revulsion and fear. The maid was likely taking her daily nap in her room and Mina did not wish to disturb her. She rummaged quietly the cupboards that had become familiar and dear to her already and found the sharpest knife Mary used to make fillets and some old towels that would also come handy. Wrapping the knife to the fabric, she made her way to her room without encountering anyone. Were they all pampering Leon now? The silence and empty feel of the house were unnerving.

 

She dropped the things to her room and stared at her image in the mirror. She looked like shit. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her pale skin blotchy from all the crying. But there was nothing to be done to that so she just combed her hair and washed the bruises in her right knuckles. It was the hand that had hurt Leon so she applied mercilessly salt to the wounds, watching with satisfaction as the skin reddened angrily. It was all part of the punishment and she wouldn't go easy on herself.

 

Satisfied she sneaked out to Nyssa's quarters wondering whether she was late or not. A brisk voice called her to enter after her knock and she couldn't be sure whether she knew yet as her smile turned into a frown when she saw her. The worried question about what had happened to her cleared the doubt and relief flooded in her. It was immediately replaced with worry for Leon, though. He should have made it back by now. Had something happened to him or was he too hurt? They would have to go and find him. Confession was on her tongue but the words just wouldn't come out. Not yet! It was cowardice but she wanted to enjoy these last moments with Nyssa before she found out and started hating her.

 

"I haven't told you yet what an awesome woman you are, Nyssa", Mina replied quietly not really answering the question yet. "You and your family are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I believe that the warmth and love you have for each others is something extraordinary. Thank you for everything you have done for me, I have never felt as welcome in my whole life." And I repaid it by pummeling your son bloody, she wanted to scream but didn't.

 

"As for your question...", she sighed. "I was outside and I got lost." Yes, lost in herself. "I had flashbacks, bad memories," she confessed with a shiver. "I'm sorry if I am late, I lost track of time." She stared at Nyssa pleadingly and vulnerably. "Would you... could I ask... you always hug Toulan and Gabriel but... could you please hold me just for a moment?" She felt like a pretender and Nyssa would be even more pissed off with her for making her comfort her after she had beat Leon but it was her last chance to feel it.

 

Mina

Dreadlady Acolyte

Sighing wistfully, Nyssa put down the quill she had used to write a letter to one of the Tairen nobles that she had wrapped around her little finger. It always took a little effort to keep people from questioning why she rarely appeared on social events, even though her status as lady of her land clearly demanded that she did so. She kept up an elaborate written conversation with several of the nobles, making them all feel as if they held her particular regard. It was tiresome and boring, but it kept her family safe from prying eyes.

 

She felt a little weary, not only because of the letters, but also because of the next task at hand. She was so pleased that Mina seemed to feel at home in her house. She and Leon seemed to get along remarkably well, and she had even stopped looking scared whenever Michael was around. Everything seemed to be going very well, except for her block. After the first few days it had become obvious that Mina couldn’t even channel enough to light a candle unless she was brought back to the state she was in when she first channelled.

 

Nyssa hated every second of their channelling seconds. The way she had to force the girl to remember the things she would like to beg her to forget instead… It made her feel as if she really was what most lightfools thought her to be, a cruel, heartless monster. But it had to be done. Mina had to learn, because Nyssa had promised her that she would teach her. She just wished it was easier. Mina arrived moments later, looking as if she already anticipated the worst. The girl had obviously been crying, and she looked as though she’d hurt herself as well.

 

Mina’s warm words and her cry for affection felt as though someone had taken a hold of her heart and gave it a firm squeeze. “My poor child.” She said, getting up from her chair and taking Mina into her arms. “Poor, poor child… if only there was something I could do to make all your pain go away, I would.” She felt the weariness and tension in Mina’s body as she held her. If she could have taken Mina into her home before her former master had abused her so, she would have. Futile thoughts to have, but she had them anyway while she waited for Mina to indicate she had had enough of the hug.

 

~Nyssa Deameau

Greater Dreadlady.

Nyssa's arms were firm and comforting and Mina had never felt safer in her life as she slowly relaxed in the embrace. She didn't want to move ever again but guilt was starting to weight on her heavily. She didn't deserve this kindness but she knew that these were her last chances of reveling in it. It would have to last for the rest of her life if Duram wouldn't think that she was too unreliable. She feared that so badly herself and finally pulled away with a sigh.

 

"You have helped alot already, you and your whole family have, even Michael. Thank you so much for that." It was clear that she spoke from the bottom of her heart. "I... I wouldn't want to burden you any more than is necessary but... Today I forced myself to remember everything. It was very painful but also cleansing in a way. I have read that you do that to serpent venom, you cut the flesh and suck the poison out. That is how it feels."

 

"I scare myself. There is such darkness and rage in me that I fear it might explode and I could hurt innocents... that I could turn into the same kind of a monster than he was. How can I learn to control it?"

Mina

Acolyte

Such darkness… Nyssa knew it well. Before she had come here, before she had made the decision to live with Michael, she had felt it in her own heart. Surround yourself with pure evil long enough, and you will become that kind of evil. She had never wanted that. Nyssa’s place had always been between the shadow and the light. She was comfortable there, with her family, and she could only hope that Mina would find the same peace there that she felt.

 

“You can only fight it, and hope that one day it will no longer be a part of you. You were not the evil that changed you. It has no part of you, even if it may feel that way. Though your experiences have turned your heart to the dark, I do not believe that you are as cruel and heartless as those who treated you so ill.” She held Mina at an arms length for a moment. “I am here for you, in your darkest moments. If you ever feel like giving into the rage and the hatred that shaped you so, you should come to me. Together we can try to give you peace of mind and heart again.”

 

Nyssa believed in her, believed that she could control it and it warmed her heart like nothing before. The urge to confess had never been stronger but it would mean banishment from the house and the family. She couldn't, not just yet. Let it come out when Leon came home. It was a cowardly thing and they would be even more enraged because she hadn't told them first but she would enjoy this moment.

 

"I swear by the Great Lord that I will do my best to resist it. I will never become like he was. And I... I will come to you in the future if I feel like that." She hadn't lied. She very much wanted to go to Nyssa, to confess even that very moment but she would not tolerate the innocent being her own son. He had to be alright, he had to be.

 

"When I spoke of the burden... if you would listen, I can tell you everything that happened. You have the right to know and it might help you with the lessons." Her mouth curled with distaste when she thought of the effort Nyssa had to go through before she could channel a flick. "And to know what shaped me... it would help me..." Nyssa regarded her for a moment with an unreadable expression and finally nodded. Mina released the breath she had held.

 

"Thank you. It is not a pleasent story and it might be as difficult to hear as it is to tell. But you need to know. I'm not sure if you have figured it out, but Mina is not my real name. Or it is now, it is the name I chose for myself. I was born Sansa Alina Covenry in Tar Valon before I was kidnapped by Pander Wilkes as a baby. He claims that he was betrothed to my mother Mavra but she abandoned him for my father while he was on a business trip. He became quite obsessed with her even though he continued his trading normally. When my older sister Sahra was two, Pander paid my family a visit and burned down the house killing my parents. My sister escaped but he took me with him to Cairhien."

 

"I can't even remember when was the first time he hit me, but I was pretty young I think, something like five or six. Most of the time he was like any parent, a bit strict but loving too." In a sick perverted way, she added mentally. "There was something wrong with his mind and it grew worse over the years. I got really good at reading the signs and getting out of the way."

 

"He was always preaching to me how my mother had been a whore who had run off with another man and how he had saved me from her bad influence and how he would raise me to be good and proper. And I really tried to be like that." The words were beginning to flow out of her and she almost forgot that Nyssa was there. "I loved him", her voice cracked. "He was the only parent I ever knew and parents are the Creator to the children. And I bloody burning hate him for he did to me, for being a crazy bastard. In the end it had gotten bad enough that I wanted to kill him to escape the misery. I was planning it. I had gathered the courage for over a year. Ever since he broke all my fingers."

 

She studied her left hand and stroke the ring finger reverently. "This was all crooked and ugly but Duram Healed it. When it happened, I was sixteen and one night he decided that I had been pleasing myself and that he had to punish me and make sure I would never do it again. I honestly don't know what he was even talking about and after the first finger, I was crying and begging him to stop but of course he wouldn't. I passed out as he proceeded. As usual, he didn't remember any of it the next day and he got me a Reader to tend my hands. I'm sure that she knew what had happened but she didn't care." She shrugged.

 

"I need to show you something." She turned her back promptly at Nyssa and unbuttoned her shirt. As she lowered it to her waist, the cloth revealed a crisscross of lines of scars and occasional dots of round scars. Some of them were faded into white but some were still red which revealed that they were more recent. Giving her teacher no more than a quick glimpse, she pulled the shirt back up. She continued speaking as she did her buttons.

 

"As you can likely guess, the straight ones are lash wounds. He started using that when I was eleven or twelve; he decided that belt wasn't enough anymore since I was such a bad girl. That's also when he started to burn me with his cigar. I hate that smell. Pipes smell different, not good but different, but cigar smell... And burn wounds... they hurt more than the rest and that smell of your own flesh burning... I always fainted after those. He never beat me nightly or not even weekly. My scars always had plenty of time to heal in between as he was gone for months, doing trading. I was greatful and guilty about that and I also missed him. I didn't have anyone else. The servants who actually stayed in his service for any longer periods were callous and cruel and I wasn't allowed to play with other children since they could give me bad influences."

 

She didn't turn back to face Nyssa and it felt somehow easier to tell the story that way. "My nose is crooked also. I was twelve or so when I was so frustrated and angry after yet another hurt that I confronted him with it at day time. At first he tried to deny it and make up all kind of stories and say that I was making things up but then he got angry and hit me. That scared him and me and he left for a while. We kept pretending that nothing had happened and it... kept going on. And then I turned fifteen and... I matured late, I guess that is how you say it. I was thin and colt like and I didn't know anything because no one had told me about that kind of things. I was very afraid of all the changes in my body and I had no one to talk to. I started bleeding one night from.... there." It was embarrassing and she was glad that her face was averted. The whole story made her ashamed and feel dirty and spoiled but most of it had been done to her and this was something that had come from her own body. "I was certain that I was going to die. I tried to wash everything but a servant told him and... the next time he came to my room it was different."

 

"He talked to me like I was my mother and I hated it. I knew that what he did to me was wrong and it hurt so I tried to fight but it was no help. Then I just adjusted to it. I had to always be totally passive so it was easy to pretend like I wasn't there and think something else. After it stopped hurting that was. It always was painful at first." She couldn't understand why women actually wanted to do it. Likely Nyssa and Michael did it too, supposedly married people did and they had children. But Nyssa clearly didn't mind so maybe it wasn't that bad with someone you loved. "At least he wasn't beating me up anymorre. Except for what he did to my fingers."

 

"Then he didn't come back from his trrip to Tar Valon. We waited for months and everyone was growing nervous. I was going to run away when one of the guards with him returned and he told us that Pander was dead. He encountered my sister who is becoming a Tower Guard and she killed him." Mina sounded completely disinterested of her sister but there was amazement in her voice. It was quite a coincidence after all. "The servants left and took all they could find with them. But this guard... he thought that I was cowed enough that he could just have me. I ran and I baited him. I knew he would follow me to somewhere quiet where no one would notice or care. He beat me very badly but when he tried to.... well, I killed him. And then Michael found me and the rest of it you know. The end well, all well."

 

Except that all wasn't well. She had turned out to be a little viper in their bosom who had hurt their son. She waited fearfully for Nyssa's reaction to her tale. Would she be revulsed of her after learning?

 

Nyssa & Mina

With every word Nyssa’s heart seemed to ache more. Corrupted, perverted lightfools. The insanity of it was almost too much to bear. What people would do in the name of love, in the name of the light was far more heartless than anything she had ever done in the name of the light. When Mina’s life story was finished Nyssa was shaking. What she wouldn’t give to have Michael with her there. She could use his support now, just as Mina could use her support.

 

Slowly she walked up to the girl and took her into her embrace again. There was nothing she could say to make the hurt the girl had gone through fade away. “Shh…” she whispered instead. “Shhh, dearest. There is nothing here to hurt you. Pander is dead and his guard is dead, and no one will ever lay a finger on you again as long as I have a say in it.” Of course there would come a time when Mina had to leave her home. When her training was completed and Duram needed her services somewhere. Nyssa swore that she would make sure that Mina knew how to keep herself safe by that time.

 

“We will make sure that you are safe here, while you learn. Your demons will become something of the past. If I could heal the scars on your back I would. If I could rid you of every bad memory I would. No one deserves such a life. I wouldn’t wish it on my harshest enemies, and most certainly not on those I accept into my family.” Her words felt empty somehow. She hadn’t been the one to save the girl out of her miserable life. Michael had been the one to find her, and her sister had been the one to rid her of her tormentor. All Nyssa could do is patiently teach Mina how to live with herself and the gift she had been given.

 

~Nyssa Deameau

 

Nyssa seemed even more shaken by what Mina had just told her than she herself. She had gone through it all earlier that day so the story had been easier to tell. She took comfort from Nyssa's hug and was glad that she could likely ease the other woman's mind with it too. The words about being accepted into the family gave her a mad jolt of delight but she wasn't on solid ground anymore in that regards. When Leon would come back to the house, it would all be over. But she would savour these moments forever.

 

Finally they pulled apart but Mina didn't let go of Nyssa's hands. "Thank you for your words and the wish behind it. You are already giving me the greatest gift of all, teaching me to use saidar but you can't believe how much it means to me that you have welcomed me to live with your family. I... I do feel safe here. The only threat to me comes from inside and only that worries me."

 

"I'm eager to continue our lessons but I need to do one more thing first." She looked at Nyssa solemnly. "One more purification and making a distance to my past. He carved his mark in me and I need to take it out myself and right now. If you'll give me a moment in my room, you can come in then. Please Nyssa, say that you will."

Mina

Troubled

Nyssa had never felt this enraged in her life. Not even when Caladesh destroyed her hopes of ever remaining in the White Tower. Not even when Lanfear pulled her into the dreamworld in the flesh. It was a blind, hopeless rage that would frustrate her to tears should she give into it. All the hurt the girl had gone through, and even now she seemed to think that hurt was all she deserved. “Please, Mina. There are other ways. I can call on Duram, and he can heal you. He can take the marks from your body and leave it as though Pander had never touched you in the first place. Just wait for him.”

 

A shake from Mina’s head told her that the girl had no desire to wait. The urge to rid herself from the last thing that tied her to her old life seemed to overcome all reason. Nyssa’could feel tears burning in her eyes even as she stepped back from Mina. “Go then. I will be with you soon.” Perhaps if Michael had been there… but what could he have done? He was as helpless now as she was. They could restrain Mina, keep her from hurting herself but that would break the trust she had been so careful to build up.

 

She decided there and then that everyone who had ever lived in that house with Pander Wilkes would die. She would find them, hunt them down in their dreams and they would die knowing fear. For all the hurt they allowed Pander to bestow on Mina. For every time they turned away, they would scream and scream and scream until their voices would die. They would claw their eyes out and pierce their ears to become deaf to what Nyssa had in store for them. They would beg for the Great Lord to take them before the end. Oh, they would beg, much like Mina must have begged them, perhaps silently, to free her from her misery.

 

Feeling slightly strengthened by her resolve to bleed each and every last one of them dry, she started up the stairs after Mina. Slowly, to give her the time to do what she had to do. And once the healing was done, she would have a talk with Mary about keeping the cutlery where it belonged.

 

~Nyssa Deameau

Dreadlady.

It pleased Mina that Nyssa seemed so concerned of her well-being even if it was dimmed by the guilt for what she had done to Leon. It was a kind offer that Nyssa made and she would take it later if Duram would still be willing to offer it after learning about her crime. But she needed to do this today, right now. "Thank you Nyssa, but no. I will accept healing from Duram later but this can't wait."

 

She was thankfully let go and she dashed to her room filled with grim determination. She stripped into her camisole and spread some of the towels under her as she laid down on the bed lifting her skirt. Mary's fillet knife was sharp enough to make a cut on her finger when she tested the edge and she ran her hands over the mostly smooth skin of her buttocks looking for the right spot. The initials weren't luckily that large so she wouldn't have to remove that large strip of a skin.

 

She had thought that she knew what pain was but it was different when it was someone else inflicting it upon you. She cried out and nearly fainted from the first cut. She fought to hold on her consciousness and dabbed the wound with the towel. Her skin was still slippery with blood and her hand tremored as she cut the rest of the edges. Then it was only a matter of getting the knife under the skin on one of the edges and cutting it loose. Her stomach churned and her breath came in pants as she separated a layer of flesh carefully inch by agonizing inch. Her hand was covered in blood but finally she held a flap of skin that she cut off unsteadily. There they were, the flaming initials. She was finally free of them.

 

By the time Nyssa knocked the door, she was pressing the towel against the gushing wound and gritting her teeth from the pain. "It's done", she called in a strained voice and pressed her tear streaked face on the blanket to hide it from Nyssa.

 

Mina

Pain liberates