ooc: Following directly on from Sparring Ring of Blood.

 

After all the lies and all the treachery, the cold years of loneliness, after loss and grief too fierce to put into words … truly she ought to be hardened by now but for some reason being dismissed so easily and so completely stung a lot more than it should have done. It seemed surreal the way Seiaman could just bow and excuse herself as though she had said nothing at all, as though all her words and her anger had merely skittered across the surface of the ice, empty and holding no significance; and for a brief instant it struck her as desperately unfair that Seiaman cared so little while she herself cared so intensely. It was so damn dangerous to betray even a hint of feeling in public these days, she might as well give people instructions on how to get at her, and it had all gone for nothing anyway.

 

Disgruntled and offended, holding some obscure sense of hurt inside where nobody need ever know, she stamped out the urge to glower after Seiaman as though the other woman would even notice let alone be concerned and instead turned back toward the infirmary. Light only knew how seriously the boy had been injured, if even now the Yellow Sisters worked on him under the capable supervision of Lwena Sedai, but all her anger and her hatred was still tied up with Seiaman and she couldn’t make herself worry as she ought to; still consumed with the urge to shake all that smooth insolence out of the Ebou Dari woman, to get some kind of response however hostile, so she could at least fool herself that Seiaman still cared somehow. Even then she recognised that these thoughts were unbecoming of an Aes Sedai and it seemed doubly insulting that she couldn’t even get rid of them.

 

Seiaman bloody Kera! She had liked the woman better when she was convinced the ex Gaidin was dead. It didn’t even make any sense. Why after their dark and hostile history, once they had finally managed to find some sort of closeness would Seiaman vanish, supposedly dead, only to turn up some months later wanting nothing whatsoever to do with her … then, just in case the matter hadn’t been confused enough, Seiaman would unexpectedly change her mind yet again and decide she desperately loved and needed her? At least those were the smooth lies offered up in the north; some kind of pretence, no doubt, but she couldn’t imagine why or what anyone thought they would gain through Seiaman. It was common knowledge these days that she was barely on speaking terms with the other woman.

 

Presumably only a fool would try to get at her through Seiaman and the idea of this actually being true and Seiaman changing her mind for about the hundredth time, complete with passionate declarations of love again, for genuine seemed worthy only of laughter. No, there was no logic to this at all, and if there was anything Sirayn resented most fiercely it was being a pawn for other people’s malicious games. She was being made a fool of by somebody, mocked behind her back for her useless, worthless feelings for some lying woman who would never give a damn, and she hated every minute of it. People ought to leave her alone. Burn her if she would be taunted or scorned any more if she could help it.

 

Controlling the curses on the tip of her tongue, with an immense effort Sirayn dismissed the entire messy business and forced her unruly thoughts into new lines; more deserving lines, no doubt, although when she found out what under the Light had possessed her young charge to go up against Seiaman Kera she would undoubtedly not be amused. Temporary madness? A sudden attack of stupidity? No telling with boys; trying to convince them of any sort of sense was like playing with fire. Doubly discontented she had the persistent sense that everything was subtly and slightly wrong, that people ought not to be so oblivious or so devious or so scheming, that if somebody would just tell her the truth … if anyone could be trusted in these harsh times … maybe this would not have to be so hard.

 

In a sweep of bronze skirts she entered the infirmary; pausing for an instant in the doorway, so that her eyes could adjust to the dimmer interior, she surveyed the purposeful chaos before her. Half a hundred patients lay in fresh white beds, fussed about by ageless women, most wearing yellow on their skirts or their shawls to mark out their loyalty. Her grey gaze sought out one particular occupant. No matter the distance or the distraction she would know this one anywhere. Cold as ice and serenely composed Sirayn crossed the busy infirmary, scattering white garbed novices like startled ducklings as she did so, to his side. A young sister moved swiftly to intercept her but Sirayn cut short her protests with a raised hand. “He will recover, I trust? Excellent. Not that he deserves it, the wretch,†a bit harsh on the words, scandalising their listener as she cut a cold glance toward the boy himself. “If you would excuse us a moment, sister?â€

 

It would take a brave youngster to cross her. Conceding to a weight of age, custom and political strength the sister made herself scarce. Holding an iron silence about her Sirayn drew up a chair at his bed side and sat, solitary hand still in her lap, while she contemplated her injured agent. He looked pale and drawn; healing had that effect on people; the strong clean cut of his face all the more prominent in this colourless light. She supposed most women would find him handsome, if one had an unseemly liking for boys scarcely out of the cradle, but these days she noted good looks as an academic matter of no interest to her. Not that anyone would have looked at her in the same way. And here she was getting off topic again; forgetting the events this afternoon, the significance behind her presence here, everything except old wounds and old losses.

 

“So, Master Danveer.†Her tone held a wealth of menace and meaning. His recklessness and subsequent injury had forced her to show her hand here far earlier than she had anticipated: earlier than was advisable if the truth were told. Light only knew what all those present would make of their conversation. If there had been a way to shield them from prying listeners she would have taken it but, of course, she couldn’t manage even so simple as an eavesdropping ward and would rather have walked barefoot over hot coals than asked a minion to do it for her. She only hoped that the boy would remember how many people were undoubtedly listening in right now. “I gather that when I instructed you, quite clearly as I recall, to stay away from Seiaman Kera … that you had other matters on your mind that day? Pressing matters, perhaps, which caused you to forget a direct order?â€

A sudden wave of liquid ice raced through his veins and shook his body as the weave settled into him. Saidar in the hands of a yellow brought quick healing but the sensation was something he was sure he would never get use to. In a way it almost felt like a violent joining of the bones and tissue as the One Power knit him back together again and left him ravenous, weak, and coated in a cold sweat. The Yellow, one he did not recognize, covered him with the blanket and sent a girl in white to fetch food and drink.

 

The task of healing left him pale and disjointed in thought. He was only to glad to lay back and try to find rest in the blanketed bed as heat slowly began to return to his body. The food would help to, but only after a little rest so he could actually rise up enough to consume it. He was not about to have a Novice or Accepted spoon-feed him like an infant. Well not as long as he could convince the Aes Sedai otherwise. Perhaps if he had only pivoted a fraction sooner he might have been able to have his blow land firmly on that light forsaken woman’s shoulder and had the satisfaction of hearing her bones crunch underneath instead of taking the series of blows in his ribs from her fist which left him breathless and in the care of the Yellow. There had of course been more then just that series of blows that had placed him here. But the satisfaction of having her jolting beside him from the healing would have been most welcome.

 

The room he lay in seemed to buzz with activity; how could the yards keep them so busy? There were training incidents yes, but had the count in the yard grown so large since his arrival that the infirmary would see so many people. Perhaps there was a competition of sorts in the area and that had drawn the additional load. He was not sure, but he was thankful they were here. With any luck he would recover to a level that would satisfy the Yellow enough to release him back to his own quarters, before word of his foolishness reached the wrong ears. He would need all his strength and wit at the ready before he could hope to face her and not be eaten alive in the process. Unfortunately one thing he had come to notice about Sirayn was that she almost always showed up when he least was prepared to face her. Actually it almost seemed to be a pattern that plagued him with almost all women of late.

 

The sudden scurrying of white dresses parted to show a cold separated appearance that spoke of purpose; one he very much wish not to know. With hushed words and the abrupt dismissal of a young Yellow who had stepped into her path she settled herself into a chair next to his bed. His stomach clenched but this time it was not for the food a Novice would bring. Silence fell over him like a heavy dark horse blanket as her penetrating gaze leveled on him; no words left her but her eyes spoke of disappointment and anger to him, to the world they were emotionless. Whether emotion was truly there did not matter, his mind added the pieces he could not see; worked in her favor instead of his own.

 

The ice edge on her words left no room for him to miss their meaning, but still if his wits could hold he might be able to come out unscathed. “Sirayn Sedai, I do not understand what order you are referring to?†His words where slow and broken; the effects of the recent healing still leaving his thoughts some what disjointed. It only took the arch of a single brow to shatter the meager position he was attempting to build and place him a crumbled heap at her will. “Oh …. You mean that order …. about Seiaman … †His voice was still shaky and it agitated him that he could not get command of it. In his present condition he stood no chance at dancing words with her. Perhaps it was time to be completely open with her; but still, not everything need be spoken. He was not sure how much of what they had talked about or even the fact that they had met in the garden and its outcome was know outside the three of them. If his loose tongue offered up information she did not intend know to everyone then she might very well have him skinned alive. He looked quickly around them; eyes darting about looking for an ear too close or an eye that lingered.

 

It was said that the Aes Sedai could do something with Saidar that would allow them to converse without anyone hearing. But he had not seen her do anything; did not feel anything, and he still heard all the noises around him. But then there were several things he had not outwardly seen a sign of when Saidar had been used. Still it was safer to error on the side of caution and ask forgiveness later unless she outright called him too. “I did not seek her out Sirayn Sedai. I was simply passing through the yard and she was standing in the middle of the ring challengingly; asking for someone, anyone to entertain her in a spar. I was simple assisting her in the request she had made as no one else seemed willing to move forward.†Even to his ears the words seemed hollow, and lacking in credibility. But still perhaps to the outside they would carry more reassurance and strength.

 

“I believed it would be a spar as all others held in the yard. A simple chance to exercise lessons learned and demonstrate skills to others in the yard. But …. But she seemed to take it personally.†His eyes flashed to her’s briefly to check for any signs of belief and found the blank mask she always wore so readily held, only an edge of annoyance as when he first noticed her arrival. She had not stopped him yet and he had already stepped out on the branch. Now that he was here there was nowhere to go but onward.

 

Glancing once more at a passing Novice behind her he lowered his voice and let the tremble return to it, hoping to add innocent conviction to his words. “I meant only to face her as one guard to another; the way we all do in the yard. She seemed to take great pleasure in advancing the spar farther then simple contact.†His jeers; worded desires and attempts to pull her down he left off. Not everything would need to be said, only that which might find the greatest favor in his court. He let his eyes drop from her’s to his chest. Most of the hated words they had shared in that ring had been in quiet tones while close; words for the others ears alone. Already hatred tried to worm into him and he worked to hold it back. The thought of that woman’s cold unfeeling hands on Sirayn would light a rage in him if he let it loose. But it would also carry away hope and draw in sad despair at the thought of Sirayn welcoming her touch, her company over his own. Why could she not see that?

 

Silence still hung around her as she sat in judgment over him; a position that seem to suit her far too well. “I …. I apologize Sirayn Sedai,†the words tumbled from his mouth before the thought could even complete it’s formation. There was something about her that he could not shake. Something that made him want to do almost anything he could to please her. “I let foolish youthful pride over come the strict discipline of decision making. An order from … an Aes Sedai is to be followed completely and in that effect I failed you.†He paused only a moment to catch her name and remove it from the sentence that flowed forth. Less information in the open for other ears the better she would feel about this unfortunate incident.

 

“ I will endeavor to improve on my skills at listening and comprehending boundaries set by the orders of Aes Sedai. It was reckless on my part. If you wish it I will present myself to the commander for disciplinary action.†His voice was soft and reserved; he worked to add an inflection of remorse. How could he have let it get this far; how could he separate Seiaman from Sirayn for good. There had to be a way to make Sirayn see how much better off she would be without Seiaman bloody Kera. The slightest widening of his eyes let slip the only knowledge that surprise had taken him. A vision of Sirayn’s face soft and relaxed, no harsh emotionless mask but instead harmony; completeness, open and unguarded filled his mind. Surprise at that thought which had appeared from nowhere. With all the thoughts and planning to separate Seiaman from Sirayn where had that vision just come from?

 

Corin Danveer

Tower Guard

The struggle continues

If she had ever harboured the deceptive impression that the boy held her in high enough esteem not to lie to her she learnt better in less than ten seconds. Excuses! The boy took her for enough of a fool to believe this rubbish, an insult in itself, and should count himself lucky to get away with an icy lift of a brow. He knew perfectly well which order she was referring to. Small glimpses of her displeasure she permitted to show openly: mouth set tight, her grey eyes gone cold: but the greater part she masked beneath her usual composure. So public a venue demanded proper restraint. She had half a mind to drag the boy off by his collar to interrogate him properly, but the Green Ajah had enough scandal attached to its name without high-ranking sisters hauling youngsters into their private quarters, and besides it would attract too much attention.

 

As if anybody else cared. It twisted her mouth to think how much it cost her to keep all the decorum proper to her rank, a constant effort given the provocation offered to her by the likes of Seiaman Kera, whereas others discarded dignity as easily as another might slip off their shoes. Even when it brought the Tower’s good name into disrepute! She had dedicated herself to one cause and one only with all the single-minded determination she possessed. The smallest benefit to that cause meant infinitely more than anything she would wish for herself. Orders of magnitude more, so that it bemused her that anyone could even think otherwise, that anyone should be less than a satellite orbiting the Tower’s great star. Thus devoted she would never have dreamed of the behaviour her sisters seemed to lower themselves to on a daily basis.

 

Or one sister in particular. Her meeting with the Domani flipskirt had proven … strange, in a way, and most revealing; but although she had not yet managed to recover her old unshakable contempt for such women, her dislike for the whole class of behaviour remained intact. Once upon a time maybe she had seen the interest to such superficial flirtation, but any softness had been seared out of her long ago and now she would rather burn herself than let somebody touch her. And something about that thought trapped her a moment. Burn herself: a casual turn of thought, overstated of course, and plucked from nothing … but she had known somebody who burned himself to death once. Actually she had been bonded to him at the time. No prizes for guessing why she had buried that memory so deep.

 

It pleased her in a vindictive way to pick out cracks in his customary mask. A slight tremor underlay his voice, the glance he sent around betrayed discomfort, his words lacked their usual smoothly persuasive quality; all signs that the healing had gone to work on him. If she knew more about the Yellow Ajah’s work perhaps she might have been able to guess how injured he had been, by the fractional slowness of his responses. She had been hauled in here many a time herself, in fact not long ago she had been so severely injured that they had simply brought her straight to her quarters and summoned half the Yellow Ajah -- memories faded now into a blur of colour and agony -- but she dodged the infirmary whenever possible. Anyway she paid so little attention to the healers’ work that she had no chance of learning anything about the damage inflicted on him.

 

All the lying made it hard to take his supposed remorse as truth. His condition frustrated her attempts to read him, not that she could do that as easily as she once had anyway with how swiftly he had learnt from her, but she was at least able enough to disbelieve it. It was a play at contrition as his earlier words had been a play at deception. Strange to think that she had trusted this boy once, had let him see her defenceless, had even told him a little of matters that haunted her dreams and troubled her waking hours … or maybe she hadn’t even trusted then, hard to remember. She ought not to have taught him so much. Easy to say so now, of course, but it had become bitterly clear with hindsight. He had surpassed her expectations, becoming not the obedient servant she had thought to make for herself, but instead one so skilled that it made him a threat to her.

 

Not something she could ignore, yet she had no idea what her next move should be. It chafed her to think that there was anything she did not know how to handle; an Aes Sedai should be nothing less than serene in all circumstances, always knowing what to do, an icon of composure and cunning. Instead she found herself watching his familiar face -- a little less pale now, the colour returning over strong bones -- and coming up short of words. Once she had known certainty, now she found only doubt and distrust. And yet a tiny, fragile part of her wanted something she could barely frame in words … maybe to touch him, just once, to reassure herself that he had survived and would recover his strength … longing twisted in her heart so intense it hurt. She did not move so much as a muscle. Even had they been entirely private she would never have dared. But the thought passed through her nevertheless, inexplicable, a traitor in itself.

 

She was a fool of truly spectacular proportions. Had to distract herself with something. All this had become unfathomable like a book written in a foreign language; she yearned for the years when life had been simple, the open road before her and only her own wits to guard her back, not this mockery her son had given her. The infinite and staggering complexity of people’s behaviour had always been beyond her to understand. How under the Light had it come to this? Why had a boy risked life and limb to go up against a heron-marked blademaster? Had their feud progressed this far, if so why, and why had she not intervened before now, did she lack the basic intelligence needed to see that this was going to end in blood spilled? And what did all this madness have to do with her? She had not invited the slightest violence on her behalf. Not that she ruled it out, of course, but she would choose the occasion and the victim. Surely this was an entirely separate matter. Nothing to do with her at all. But why? A thousand times why!

 

A proper Aes Sedai would understand this. Maybe if she just concentrated hard enough she could make this simple, as if sharp thoughts could cut away any excess information like a knife, leaving only the truth lying bare beneath. It was the inevitable tendency toward sentiment that undid so many; she needed cold, hard logic, fact over fiction. She had poured a good deal of her time and effort into making Corin Danveer who he was today. Devious, determined and well schooled in intrigue, the perfect agent for an Aes Sedai who knew better than to show her own hand. Regardless of any independence he might think he had Master Danveer had been made to serve her ends. It seemed a tragedy to have that perfect tool twisted by a lightskirt woman with nothing more than sex on her mind, when it took a lifetime to make a Corin Danveer. All this risked for nothing! Damn it. Maybe a resounding slap would return the boy to his dubious senses.

 

“You failed me.†Coldly she repeated his own words, her voice polished and lacking in inflection, while she contemplated a leaded glass window across the room as if the play of light and glass fascinated her. “Curiously enough, Master Danveer, you have taken the words right out of my mouth.†No slapping. Not in private nor in public. The last person she had raised a hand to was Lanfir Leah Marithsen, everybody’s hero, and it did not take a genius to work out how well that had gone; it seemed somehow unseemly to strike a lesser person. And everybody was lesser than Lanfir. That was the hardest lesson to learn when in the company of legends, that try how one might, nothing one could do would ever make one their equal. No, she would restrain the desire to rattle some sense into him.

 

“I suppose I should expect no less. I was mistaken to think that you could follow a simple order. The problem with you, boy, is that you think you know better than I do. In that you are making an entirely … erroneous … assumption.†She drew out each word to deliberate length. Still she contemplated the scurrying infirmary in the manner of one who read many tales into its patterns. Inwardly irritation and disgust and obscure, stupid hurt pulled her taut; she strove to register as much of his reaction as she could while playing at nonchalance. “It seems that I must keep you in sight every hour the Light sends or you will be off on some fool’s errand.†Five beats of silence, expertly calculated, for maximum effect … then she slid the knife home. “Tell me, between picking a quarrel with a heron-marked blademaster twice your age and taking up with loose women, where do you find time to sleep?â€

 

The caustic words she let lie on the air temporarily while she planned her next assault. The image of this youngster brazenly dandling an Aes Sedai on his lap in front of all and sundry outraged her on so many levels it cut out all words. Discarding for the moment the behaviour of his pet lightskirt, which certainly merited a good tongue lashing from her Ajah Head, where had his own conduct gone? The rules of discretion and judgement she had hammered into his head? Did he lack the intelligence the Light gave a mouse? Light but it infuriated her! No matter how hard she worked to teach people some sense they dropped all semblance of intelligence when somebody with the appropriate anatomy turned up. A single well placed curve could devastate all her careful work.

 

Darker than that it struck her as intensely unfair. Her life was hard: no mistake about that. She lived in loneliness and fear, practised self denial to a rigid extent. Meanwhile the people whom she intended to deploy in the Last Battle … were off playing children’s games in public like tavern servants? How was that just? Life had not been designed to be fair, she knew the smart answer already, but it still hurt her. It felt like a deliberate blow. Farcical to think that people behaved like flipskirts solely to spite her … but all the same, had she had the other culprit of this little incident before her right now, two heads would have been banged together before either could speak. No doubt it spoke much of her intelligence that this was her resort of choice; Aes Sedai ought not to want to bang some heads together.

 

Burn them all. Tarmon Gai’don would come and go by the time they remembered their respective ages, forgot tawdry pursuits, and dedicated themselves finally to the cause of winning this one great battle. She had been a fool to think she could rely on any of them. “I know precisely what you have been up to, boy.†She invested the words with a quality of suppressed poison rarely employed in public. “A fine use of your time! I only hope,†she discarded Domani trollop as a term of identification, “that woman was worth the damage you have both caused to the Tower’s reputation. In public, Master Danveer?†For the first time something hard and near to fury rose in her voice. “In public?â€

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

Cradle snatching!

"You failed me." So barren of emotion and tone her voice betrayed nothing to the outside world. But to him, those words from her lips in such emptiness; she could not have found a knife sharper to pierce him with. In the quiet places of a persons mind; when all is at peace and thoughts are safe from prying eyes. There he had given himself to her wholly with out asking, without request. It had become his goal as she had mentored him; raised him to a skill and purpose he never imagined possible. All that was painted dark and bitter with those three simple words; rendered the harshest of irony. For it was by his own hand, that which sought to free her from past demons and bring her wholly and guarded into a future that the light held for her. Only that purpose and desire had over stepped boundaries, zealous had replaced common sense and he had slipped on a slop of his own making. Seiaman bloody Kera. With every fiber of my being I will find a way to repay this hurt 10 fold and more. You will never have her again, this I swear on my life and hope of salvation and rebirth.

 

So thorough had the cold harsh reality taken him that a dark shadow crossed his face giving a fluttered indication of what lurked in his mind before her training afforded him the ability to wipe it clean and hold the shaky blankness he had been able to hold so tightly before. It chaffed at him that she could have so thorough an upper hand on him at this. It was not that he sought to deceive her in general. Only to keep that which was not necessary out of the immediate knowledge less it confuse the real purpose and goal he had with her. Only twice he had slipped and she was taking full measure of that weakness to capitalize on her returns. Even in this he envied her abilities; her impressive skill like an archers arrow seeking out the truths she knew had to exist, separating chaff from wheat while she absently studied the lead glass window. Why could she not open to him; was it the public openness of this place, refusal to give over any inkling of control? Could she not see that by it's giving she would only set herself more in control of events and his life. How could she be so blind as to not understand; to not see that. She had a mastery of reading people he had not seen before; of knowing their innermost secrets and meanings. It made no sense that she would not be able to see that; see what was between them and the possibilities it held.

 

His eyes returned to the roof as her words continued to wash over him. He deserved this, it was his doing that had set this rift between them so he would bare witness to her agitation and accept the scathing words of her disappointment. Feel the edges and remember this time when bitterness had been served to him by the one person he sought to keep from the Darkone's touch with his life. Emptiness, the black and barren center of a burnt wick. It was a trainee exercise that served him well in the past, came to mind as he worked to regain and maintain composure in front of her. It would do neither of them any good to crack and fall hopelessly apart before her in the openness of the infirmary. Too many eyes to see and record it's happening; ears to gather words exchanged, and mouthes to carry those tidbits too far and too many places their agreements did not need to be known. Simply and Aes Sedai lecturing a fool guard on the merits of his choices, nothing more could they afford the rest to comprehend at this time. If anything more was to be passed from their safe keeping to others it would be by her doing as was her right in their agreement.

 

Even meditation could not stop the momentary climb of eyebrows and the sudden flick of his eyes to hers; his mouth already partially open with defense climbing his throat to dance across tongue and find life in the open air between them. How could she believe such trivial non sense. The ball of ice that had formed in his stomach reached up and snatched the words as they prepared to leave his mind and find form. Instead a quick click of teeth as his mouth snapped shut, eyes returning to study the roof. Memories of the thick coppery taste of blood in his mouth and throat returned momentarily as he funneled indignation and frustration into the bloody image of the spar ring. Not only had the light forsaken woman who had been unjustly granted the title of Gaidin to Sirayn caused this meeting to happen. She had put his mentee somewhere in the infirmary as well. That meant there would probably still be a visit from the Mistress of trainee's yet in his future. The distraction was not joyous but it severed its purpose; distracted his mind from the inquisition Sirayn had begun. It granted him the opportunity to begin to gain some of that steadfastness she had drilled into him over the years.

 

Somehow, deep down, he knew she would find out about his foolishness with Seiaman and the sparing ring. It was a fools hope to think that a person like herself with her finger on the pulse of Tar Valon and it's happening would not have received word of it. He knew this would come, prepared for her berating, though he had not imagined here in the public openness of the infirmary when he was still gathering his wits and control again. But in his fury and focus over the one eyed women and how he might separate her from ever harming Sirayn again. He had not noticed her lack in mentioning earlier times with regards to the moments he had shared with Lavinya. Perhaps he had been relishing in the subconscious thought that it had escaped notice. That some how as brazen and forth right as he had been with another sister there, word had not made it's way to her ear. It caught him by complete surprise when she so pointedly mentioned it. Why in the light would she bring it forth now? How could anything be gained by it's conversation at a time as this where so many others could pick up on it? It made no sense to him; less so the way emotion seemed to grab her words at the end. Emotion. That was a huge problem even though there had been hardly any trace of it in her voice. Sirayn Sedai never allowed it to touch her voice or appear outwardly. But it had been there, he was positive, if only a flash it had indeed been there. But why? Why would that little meeting in the garden cause such a response from her? In public no less.

 

Lavinya had been a meeting of happen stance. A chance to play more at the game Sirayn had introduced him to. Only she had turned out to be so much more then an opponent at Daes Dae'mar. Some how, he still could not fully understand, she had slipped past his defenses and laid siege to his mind and heart. A place that had once been dedicated and solely owned by one now had a second haunting it. He had met beauty straight on and passed without even a slight mar. Sirayn herself had placed him in the clutches of that blond at that private function he had escorted her to. Watched from across the room as he avoided snares and trappings; separated himself formally from her without slipping to her charms. What was it about Lavinya then that had made all that training so much cotton in his head with no order or reason? His tie to Sirayn and his wanting to give to her of himself had not diminished; only now a new shadow watched and judged his worth. What had it been in the soft skinned redhead that had scrambled his mind so thoroughly. It was a puzzle he would have to work out during quiet times of meditation. That left the more recent puzzle before him; why had Sirayn allowed that small simple slip? Unless ..

 

A flame flicked to life deep inside; warmed his heart. Could it be that she cares? The thought was absurd, the women had told him often enough that she needed no one. He had seen her vulnerable, hurting, almost as if she longed for something. He had dismissed it as still learning to read people correctly, perhaps another of her tests. Only now a new light shown on those memories. A new hope that he refused to let go of now that she had given it life. If she cared, even in the slightest then there was a chance he might be able to draw more from her. Draw out the woman he had visioned her to be at times; glance at when the situation was just right before her iron control resumed leaving him to wonder if he had actually seen what he thought. Indeed he was more determined then ever to guide her toward a future he knew must exist for them.

 

Thoughts, arguments and planing raced through his mind a he continued his study of the roof. He had gained most of his control over expression back but he still worried about the weakness his voice might betray. cautious steps where needed here. Things had been said in that garden had been only for their ears. He would not disrespect her so much as to share those points outside her confidence; a subject best swept under the rug quickly and forgotten as far as Sirayn was concerned. The alternative would only see a great deal of further discomfort in his future. He was not willing to loose either of them at this point and it chaffed him that he did not know why. That was a secret best left inside; a nightmare if it was to come to light in the open.

 

Slow even breaths, his subconscious at work too keep the facade up and the turmoil within from outside knowledge. Even his subconscious however could not stop the loud rumble from his belly at the smell of food that floated to his nose as a novice passed by a tray laden with food in her grasp. Hunger and the demand of nourishment for his body sidelined his thoughts momentarily; embarrassment adding the faintest of heat to his cheeks. The way his memories had been going with regards to Lavinya Sedai it was indeed a good thing his stomach had spoken or perhaps the heat in his cheeks would have been from an all together different reason. One he would never be able to explain to Sirayn; could still not reason out for himself. "Sorry Sirayn Sedai, it seems my stomach is still very remembering of the healing." Good a slight waver but a marked improvement in the steadiness of his voice. It would be useless to think he could lie his way out of the predicament he found himself deeply seated in. Her skill was far too superior from him to find escape in that dance, but perhaps he could deploy a little of that Aes Sedai truth to the matter.

 

"It seems I have made a few poor decisions of recent. You have taught me better then that," his absent study of the ceiling continued. Steady, the voice must be steady, no emotion. Indeed he had know better until she had slipped in behind that wall of knowledge. There was a deeper person behind the mask that Lavinya wore and it pulled at him. How could he feel so much for a woman he hardly knew; had only recently met. It made no sense but remained true none the less. Something deep within Lavinya called out for someone to help restore the person she truly was and his mind could not let go of that; care for her wellbeing and future weighed heavily on Corin now. But these times were not the ones to dwell on it. The true future he planed sat over him with a strain he had never noted before. A puzzle he had never seen coming but so desperately wanted to believe in. "The ... event was a grand miscalculation I agree. Not something to be aired so readily out in the open for all to see. It is not something easily forgotten from public eyes or swept away from memory, but I will do better in the future to keep ... teachings I have learned closer to mind." The continued waiver, as slight a it was, still frustrated him. Light it was unfair that she could have so complete a level of control while he could not firmly grasp the mastery of his voice. How was he to be of value to her if he could not hold an iron grip on emotion and control like Sirayn portrayed.

 

Sure she had years and years of practice over him, but perhaps if he studied hard he could close that gap since he did not have that much time afforded him. He had to prove his worth to her with out the added benefit of the years she had spent in this trade. But if he had been right, if there had indeed been that edge of emotion, if it had been the cause he imagined then perhaps he needed to think on another method. If ... so many things hinged on that small and simple word; his life being the least."I can assure you nothing that happened with ... that women was planned or though out. I miscalculated my ability to play at a game and unfortunately others paid the price for that. A lesson I assure you I have learned and will not consciously make again."

ooc: I will make that other post soon, I swear. Honestly I will. :P Here's a little something to tide you over ...

 

Poor decisions? Poor decisions! Only by dint of some effort did she manage to hold her tongue. Otherwise she would end up echoing his words like a halfwit in her incredulity and her acquaintance with this young man had held enough examples of idiocy without her adding any more. She meant to ensure that this meeting did not prove to be such a mistake. It was not her job to protect Lavinya’s reputation when that lightskirt had no care for it herself and as for Corin Danveer and his unexplained, unexpected lapse of all the intelligence and prudence she had hammered into his head, well, he must have anticipated that it would come back to bite him. Miscalculation indeed. Not something to be aired out in the open! Perhaps if either of them had listened to caution for just a second she would not have had to take the boy to task at all.

 

Inwardly she seethed; she stuffed down sarcasm before it could come to light. Lightskirts and children playing at games they did not fully comprehend while imagining they could keep up their careless mischief on the side, as if a hundred enemies did not wait in the shadows to take advantage of the smallest slip, as if there was any time for youth and play any more. Tarmon Gai’don rolled toward them like a machine and what use would either of them be if they spent all their time canoodling? Burn them both. Sometimes she felt like the only person in the Tower who looked toward the horizon, who was checking off the signs prophesied in the Karaetheon Cycle as they occurred, who was preparing for the Last Battle at the full extent of her skills. It left her with no patience whatsoever for the games fools played.

 

She bit back exactly those words. Despite his distressing tendency to get himself beaten by Seiaman Kera or fondle complete strangers in public, that occasionally empty head still possessed all the skills and knowledge she had given it, and therefore she could not give in to the temptation to slap it. The likelihood that he had genuinely learnt his lesson seemed slim but she had neither the time nor the inclination to stand over him every moment to see if he had come to his senses. It vexed her in the extreme that he apparently did not understand the gravity of the situation … but she was not his mother. “I suggest you play no more games, boy. If you find yourself inundated by lackwits I expect you to exercise your own discretion regardless. There is no excuse for displays of that sort.â€

 

Sharp words and yet it felt like not enough. She wanted to demand of him what he could possibly have been thinking, why he even needed another Aes Sedai, what was wrong with her that he turned to empty-headed lightskirts instead; but his mother was only one of the many roles she could and would not play for him and asking questions of that sort would only create the wrong impression. Even though it burned her to think of him with some other woman, one who lacked her intelligence, but doubtless possessed all the alluring qualities she herself did not. It was his choice; all she had offered him was teaching; who he chose to warm his bed was none of her business … but damn it, a halfwit who couldn’t even keep her own affairs secret? Didn’t he even have any taste? His standards were lower than she had thought, although it was, of course, nothing to do with her.

 

Moving quickly along before she made any more of a fool of herself … she still needed to know what under the Light was going on with him and Seiaman. No possible explanation of events between them made any sense. Damned if she’d let them make a spectacle of themselves any more if she could choke it off with just a few words. She contemplated the object of her scrutiny coldly while he feigned great interest in the ceiling; a spark of grey ice beneath dark lashes, her expression composed as always, not a hint to show that a soldier’s instincts had her tracking everyone who came close to them. Let him ignore her stare all he liked. She knew well the value of a proper long, hard silence.

 

Finally she let the name drop like a stone. “Seiaman Kera.†If she wound the pressure up tight enough he would eventually crack and talk; a true Aes Sedai knew beyond doubt that her will was stronger than anyone else’s. The question remained if she had enough time, if the boy was properly shaken up, if she dared get heavy in this kind of company. “If I ask again, is there any chance I might get the truth this time?†The chill underlying her tone left no doubt that she knew perfectly well she had not yet had the full story. “Or tell another lie if you like,†if he dared, “but make it a colourful one, yes? Something to amuse me.†If anything her voice was inching colder and colder. “What under the Light are you two up to? Is this about women? Money? If I have to bang your heads together to put an end to this foolishness I will.â€

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

Just a little jealous

Silence, normally welcome; he had trained in it's embrace often, enjoyed it's lack of sound in his room while he worked life's puzzles. But here and now the silence was equal to the sharpened edge of a sword. His whole being wanted to squirm and shift, to draw deeper under the covers and away from the penetrating gaze he knew she leveled at him. His stomach called out loudly again it's want of food and nourishment. He wanted to be anywhere at this moment then under that stare; the ice cold penetrating gaze that Sirayn used when she wanted to see through you, freeze you to the very core. He knew if he looked back, even for a brief moment to check, he would be lost to those slate eyes and the storm that brewed there. Instead he kept his focus on the ceiling, worked to keep the shaky grip he had on his body and his nerve. Of all the times for her to bring up Lavinya, why did she always seem to have the greatest opportunities handed to her on a silver platter? The woman's timing always seemed inconceivably perfect.

 

Seiaman's name filled his ears and cut through him like an ice cold winter wind through small clothes. It shattered the control he clung to desperately and scattered the pieces like cotton in a fall breeze. His eyes flicked back to her's with a will of there own. Only by sheer luck did he stop his eyebrows from climbing though his eyes did widen a fraction while he wrestled internally to find something solid to stand on. Again her timing was impeccable, and if it were not he under her scrutiny, Corin was sure he would be standing amazed as he tried to learn that timely and impressive trick. But he was at the center and there was no time to admire her work; he had to find a way to explain.

 

The truth, he could no more tell her the truth then he could sprout wings and fly away from this situation. He knew the women was bad news, knew that he had to keep her from Sirayn. But how could he possibly tell her that, what proof could he offer. A women who had been at her side for years, been the sword arm of protection and willingly offered her life in place of Sirayn's. She would believe him, a boy untried and fresh from the apron stings, over her previous Gaidin? Not bloody likely. Even if she had hurt her deeply; Corin still remembered his meeting with Sirayn that day in the grove after Seiaman had departed. Why is it you still care for her when I offer you my soul? No he had to find a plausible and believable reason for this; it was obvious that Sirayn Sedai was not about to let this one lie as it was. She would demand answers and one way or another he knew she would get them.

 

But that still left him with the decision of what would pass as plausibility while not pegging him to a hole? Silence had stretched out too long between them and the penetrating gaze that held him had not changed, but there was that tell tale tightening at the corner of her eyes. So small and slight that most would probably never notice the change. But he had spent every moment that he had been around her looking for something to read on her and finally found a measure, if slight, in her eyes. She was getting impatient which would not bode well for him. She knew his mind worked to form a solution to the puzzle she left him in; knew he was searching for a way out. She would only be all the more cautious with any story he fabricated. This would have to lie so close to truth that it would be as he had once heard some one refer to as the monster with two backs. They had been using it to describe the act of two people joining in intimacy, but it still fit in a way.

 

“A woman,” the words were out of his mouth before he could catch his tongue in soft reserved tones; the shake still slight in his voice. He had wanted close to the truth but how was he to dance this one now that it was out of the bag. It was over a women but he could never tell her it was over herself. Her hysterical laughter would have people worried she was going mad. Corin, a boy, fighting her ex-Gaidin, a proven soldier, in hopes of wining her over. The thing of fairy tales and stories, grow up boy, he could see the words falling from her mouth in between the bouts of laughter. No he could not approach that yet, not here. She had let slip what looked like concern earlier. But he could not risk everything on his weak ability to read her, he would find the right time and place but it was certainly not here in the busy infirmary. “You ... you see she seems to fancy a certain women that she believes me to be in play with so to speak.” In play with? What are you bloody thinking, as if that stunt in the garden with Lavinya Sedai has not gotten you in enough trouble already. “I mean I am of course not involved with anything save for my studies and duties to y ... to the teacher I presently work with.” The change was only slightly noticeable but it was hopefully beyond consideration of those passing by. He did not know how much of their teaching arrangement Sirayn Sedai had made public therefore he had to error on the side of discretion. Another tick against him, focus and control was still returning to him. It was almost back, would have been if his stomach did not keep interrupting his thoughts with it's vocal cry for food each time a tray passed by; it's deliciously enticing aroma's assaulting his nose and laying siege to his mind. Already he had begun following each with his eyes briefly as they passed. Another readable sign he should be able to control if he was to prove her teaching well placed. “But I think we have come to an agreement of sorts” the only agreement reached is that we each hate the other with increasing zeal.

Being obliged to associate with fools and halfwits on a daily basis, Sirayn Damodred was well acquainted with many different stripes of idiocy, but this particular example left her speechless. Another woman! How many exactly did the fool boy need to keep sweet at any one time? It had been complicated enough that he was all moon-eyed over that hussy Lavinya Morganen, who went through men at the same speed she went through gloves and discarded the used ones just as carelessly, but she’d been under the blissful delusion that the lightskirt woman was at least the only one he was seeing. She could scarcely credit that Corin Danveer thought himself important enough to court multiple Aes Sedai at once. And surely he couldn’t have lost whatever wits he still possessed over Jaydena Mckanthur … could he?

 

Or maybe she was doing him a disservice. Perhaps it was Seiaman Kera who spread her ardour so widely. It wouldn’t be the first time that even the beautiful, charming alleged love of her life had been insufficient to keep her from straying; sometimes it seemed that every woman could be assured of a place in Seiaman’s affections so long as they were tall, slim and stunning. She indulged in a moment’s bitterness -- being too short, too plain and too drab for the likes of Seiaman Kera had always been a harsh pill to swallow -- before pulling herself up short. It wasn’t any of her business what her ex-Gaidin got up to any more. Seiaman had walked away from her; she had had that right, she had chosen to exercise it, she could get involved with as many women as she liked without giving her one-time bondmate a single thought. It did nobody any good to pine like a fool for a woman who owed her nothing. That much she had to remember.

 

Even so it took her a long moment to stamp out every bit of jealousy. Aes Sedai were supposed to live separate lives, better lives, free from the taint of weakness. Nothing should trouble them: not fear, nor wrath, nor especially love. She’d never been much good at being Aes Sedai. But at some point even she had to put resentment aside and exercise the perspective her shawl required. All she needed from the boy was his loyalty; she had instilled in him the proper frame of mind, taught him the necessary skills, to make him the perfect agent. His apparent difficulty in keeping his personal affairs straight was nothing to do with her. Light only knew it would be prolonged political suicide to get involved here. Let the children deal in sweet words and romance if they must; she had the Tower to defend.

 

Seiaman had kissed her once. In the wrong place and at the wrong time, but kissed her nonetheless, and she still didn’t know why. The memory gave rise to wretched thoughts: maybe if she’d been smarter or prettier or, or softer somehow, maybe … She killed that thought mid-sentence. She was an idiot of spectacular proportions. “I see.” Sirayn kept it deliberately flat and toneless. “Far be it from me to get between you and your legions of admirers. If you’ll excuse me, I have business to attend to. Good day to you.”

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

Her words held no warmth, not heat, no anger. There was nothing in her tone or delivery; absolute nothing, flat, emotionless; void of anything to give light to her true feelings. That emptiness pressed down on Corin with the weight of the whole tower. The greatness of absence twisted his insides as certain words resounded in his head. ”between you and your legions ... excuse me .... to you.” She didn't understand, how could she believe him so frivolous. She had been right about his error with what had transpired between Lavinya Sedai and himself in the garden. It had been utterly foolish of him. Her training had taught him better; he had passed her tests harder then that. Tempted with women just as shapely; had them pour out warmth and heated promises in subtle but very sweet tones. Lavinya had not done that, had not used her tricks of heritage on him yet it was with her he had stumbled. Why? Why did she effect him so. Was it because she did not try to use him, was it because of that simple woman he had glimpsed behind the Aes Sedai serenity and shawl?

 

He no longer knew anymore, everything was mixed up and poured out upside down. He wanted her to know him, trust him, feel for him as ... as he did her. He still felt something very strong for the isolated and distant green sister he had made the agreement with so long ago. What was it he felt? Did he know anymore; did he know anything anymore? At one time he believed the world in the palm of his hand, a jewel of the Tower sufficiently snared under wing. Foolish! He had been a fools fool to think he could have so easily twisted her to dance to his music; to lead one in the shawl so long around by the nose. She had taught him lessons there was no mistake about it. Lessons he would never forget, lessons she would never let him forget. How simply she had caught him in her web's and snares; even a new born colt fresh from the birthing sac would have been more conscious of the path she had directed him. It was not his music she danced to but rather quite the opposite. Only she did not play nor direct; simple yet oh so powerful looks, the air of authority and unending confidence were her band. Words and phrases with their mirade of possible meanings, all delivered with out any depth of emotion, her baton. This is what she used to direct the orchestra of events she carefully spun out in layers she herself could only truly understand.

 

Yet he could see no other course before him now or back at there first meeting in which he would change. So thoroughly she had him under thumb that his own life he would willingly forfeit to ensure the continuation of her own. But she did not seem to notice; seemed not to care that he would give every fiber of his being to her and her purpose. All that he was and would or could become was hers to do with as she would see fit. Only she seemed to find nothing of worth in him, no use for his skills or talents. He had worked hard at her lessons; drank in every nugget of information and skill she offered to him. Tried beyond all measures to be the tool she would need; would want. Yet she paid him no notice, no matter how well he met her challenges or jumped to her tasks. How could she not see the light in his eyes when she had need of him, his step lighter and quicker when he could serve her greater purposes.

 

No, no instead all she seemed to see before her was failure and disappointment. A woolheaded goat brain still fresh from the farm and moon eyed over the great city and all it's treasures. He was more then that but she refused to see it. Perhaps it was the surroundings, he longed to call out to her as she turned and left. To find some way to make things the way they were suppose to be, not this monstrosity of confused communication and false thought. Lavinya Sedai was a friend, sure it had started a little heated. But his head had cleared and there was a friendship he wanted to keep; a women inside that Aes Sedai shroud that longed to be released and he wanted to see her out. A dear and deep friend she could be and he was beginning to see that those were few and far between. There was no shortage of surface friendships and general well wishers in the Tower. But true, deep, committed, and trustworthy friends that could see you at your worst or your very best and not judge you but instead accept you as you were. Those were few and far between; fewer still if they were Aes Sedai.

 

That was what he wanted, what he sought with Sirayn. Perhaps more, but small steps first and see where the path went. If it was to come to something deeper then that friendship he would welcome it immensely. But even if all she was willing to share was that deep level of friendship he would gladly accept it and cherish each of it's moments. Being such a private and closed off women made it a daunting task. Worse then any black smith puzzle, yet he was determined to find it's solution, there has to be one. I know there must be one, but how? With a person like Sirayn things had to be treaded on very carefully in public. Closed off and very detached was the facade she portrayed in public and that was not about to change for a simple guard with no standing in her books.

 

Light twinkled in jade eyes, making them bright and inviting. The idea seemed to simple, he had though of it before. Even secured certain substances that were rumored to aid in the plan that had been hatching, re planed, discarded, and now revived again. It was simply the only option left really. She would be greatly annoyed but alone and isolated they could talk freely and he would be able to sooth her ire over the surprise. Surely she would see why he had to do this, and she would be able to safely let down her iron grip on the emotional void she held in public. They would finally be able to talk freely and understand where this relationship was going; where it could possibly go. She would see him for the dedicated person he was to her and bring him to her service in a way only an Aes Sedai could; a warder .... bonded to her. A strange smile had manifested on his face and he noticed it not while his mind reveled in the possible future he painted with great delight. Yes it would work, all he needed to do was figure out where they could go. His stomach growled loudly and seemed to turn over in place as another novice came by with a tray of food. She stopped and passed him the plate steaming;savory smells and spices assailing his nose. Even before the fork was in hand his mouth was watering in anticipation. With a giggle the girl smiled at him warmly before turning to rush off again. Her crystal blue eyes held the dancing twinkle of flirtation; soft supple lips spread in an inviting smile. But Corin paid her little heed beyond a quick thanks for the food before he dove in. He still had much to plan.