Selene jumped again as a thunder crashed against the walls of the Great Tower, mixing with the steady thrumming of a pounding rain.  She could feel the vibration from the noise through her feet and while she knew the Tower was safe, the dark thought of just how far the Tower's destruction would spread if it toppled unnerved her.  She shifted on her bed and rolled over.

 

"Carina?  Are you still awake?" She whispered into the dark, not exactly sure why she was whispering if the noise of the storm hadn't awoken the girl, she wasn't likely to, but she sighed again when she got no answer.  It had been hours since they doused the candle and had gone to bed, the storm them was only just warming up, its thunderous crashes only heard as distant rumblings and the rain had been steady and hard, but no where near the violent lashing it was now.  She slipped out of bed and belted a robe on over her nightshift and slipped out of the room into the intermittently lit night.  She wanted to be where she could watch the storm, but not get wet.  She found her answer in a wide shaded balcony that wrapped around part of the tower on the Novices' level.  The balcony overlooked part of the tower grounds that had a stable in it, and while Selene didn't think it was the same stable as her Rao was in, the sight of it made her think of home.  There were no chairs on the balcony, it was apparently not intended to be a leisure spot, but she leaned against the smooth white wall of the tower and slid down until she was sitting, arms folded around her legs as she stared out through the open lattice of the balcony and down on the grounds below.

 

She thought about the horses back home, wondering if all the foals and weanlings she'd left would be big strong horses now.  She'd been here three years now, and it seemed like a lifetime.  She thought of the green fields and sturdy lean-tos and stables, the stalls where she spent most of her youth cleaning out straw and brushing coats.  She could still remember all the trails around their farm, the place where Marabella had died when she'd fallen from a horse.  She rested her chin against her drawn up knees and wondered if Jasine thought about Marabella often, whether he still blamed himself for not being there.  She hadn't thought of Jasine as much these days she she did when she first came to the Tower, but she thought of him now, as she looked down on a stable where two horses might be standing side by side in their stalls, keeping close for the comfort in the storm.

The storm was a more violent one than most of the one she saw back home.  The Mountains of Mist tended to take most of the bite out of the summer storms that came rolling in from the ocean, and by the time they got to Caemlyn they were mostly drenching rain and just a few higher grumbles of thunder.  Like most farm people, Selene had grown up with a working knowledge of weather and storms and had a better-than-most ability to read the storms by wind and pressure.  This storm was full of wind and lightning, a more severe storm than she'd ever been in.  She watched the lights flash through the clouds and occasionally strike down, grounding out on a tree or against a building.  As tall as the White Tower was, she wondered how many times its tip got struck by lightning, and if any of those strikes, accumulative over the years, had done any damage to the Tower.  Any structural damage.  She shook her head and forced herself away from the train of thought.  She wasn't normally so broody, and she almost never lingered so consistently in such a dark mindset.  It must be the storm.

 

Lightning arced to a close tree, blinding Selene and raising the hair on her whole body, even her scalp, and it tingled and prickled.  She wondered for the first time how safe she was sitting out here on the balcony.  Selene had never been afraid of storms, but she'd also never been out here during one so violent before. She closed her eyes and let her mind drift as the sounds of the storm - soothing pounding rain and startling thunderous crashes - melded together into a single harmonious soundtrack.  She'd done so many new things since she came to the Tower.  It was summer again, as it had been when she arrived, although late summer now.  The trees back home would be turning colors in a few weeks and soon the harvest festival would take place.  She wondered if her Da had already started stocking the hayloft for winter, or if he'd leave it until late in the fall.  She didn't know why he sometimes did it one way or the other, but Da always knew when winter would come early and was always prepared to take care of the horses.  On a night like tonight, with the storm raging, Selene's mum would probably make her a nice cup of tea with mint in it, maybe something to soothe her to sleep.  She'd always had trouble sleeping during a storm.  When she was little, Mum said she'd thought Selene was afraid of the storms, but she didn't cry.  She just watched out the window and listened.

 

Now that Selene knew she could channel, and knew that her strength lie specifically with air, she wondered if the whipping winds of a storm wasn't part of why she'd always loved storms.  She wasn't supposed to channel on her own, none of the Novices were, but Selene did now.  She imagined the river of saidar, herself the bank gently channeling it, guiding it to where she needed it to go.  She opened herself to the source with an ease that was already practiced and smooth, and then drew forth the power to weave.  The sweetness of saidar was intense, and she felt the joy and pure essence of what it was to be whole and complete.  She saw the rain, even the mist that lightly clouded her little balcony, with almost surreal clarity.  She didn't draw as much as she could, though the temptation to do so was always there, she just drew enough to weave.  Just that little bit suffused her with a warmth that made the chill of the stormy night pale by comparison.

She wove a solid piece of air, rebuking the rain that pounded down just off the balcony, and formed her air into the shape of a horse.  She could see its outline in the weave itself, but she could see it in the rain as well, that bounced off the solid air and dripped around its smooth sides.  She concentrated carefully and made tiny movements with her hands, not releasing her knees with her arms, but moving her fingers and wrists.  The horse danced before her, leaping and prancing through the night, freed from earthly contraints and allowed to soar through the night.

 

Allowed a freedom Selene herself didn't have anymore.

 

Oh, she might have it one day again, when she was Aes Sedai.  If she chose an Ajah that was apt to go out into the world and do something adventurous and amazing.  If she lived through her years as a novice and accepted without managing to get herself burned out or expelled.  She missed the freedom to leap on Rao's back and go tearing across a field just for the sheet joy of being able to.  She missed playing outside, seeing boys, giggling at the thought of which boy might ask them to a dance or to go walking.  She'd never considered herself a tramp by any stretch, but she'd always expected to have a boy by now.  She was, after all, 19 years old.  And other than her Da and her brother, she'd never even kissed a boy.  And they hardly counted at all, especially for the kind of kissing Selene meant.  She felt a blush warm her cheeks even in the dark of night, knowing that no one could know her thoughts. Her control with saidar wasn't what it should be and as she thought about boys the horse that danced through the night had changed too, the shape flowing smoothly from that which she'd intended, to that which she desired.  The rain made only an indistinct image in the bouncing and running water, but she could see the weave itself and she could see the shape of the boy she'd dreamed of.  Feeling silly, she stood up and it came closer.  If she closed her eyes, she could almost pretend...

 

She took his hand in one of hers and felt his hand rest at her waist.  She set her other hand on his shoulder and began to dance.  One of the nice things about a partner that was, essentially, a figment of your imagination given form was that you could be perfectly in sync.  Aes Sedai were expected to know how to dance, it was a proper noble lady thing to do and Aes Sedai were held to a standard above and beyond any noble.  The grace she had always felt in the saddle had transferred itself to these lessons as well and she danced fluidly and easily.  She hadn't cut her hair in the three years she'd been here other than for the occasional trimming and the cornsilk-hued locks hung damply to past her hips now.  They flared as she turned and she blushed again, eyes still closed, as she imagined herself in an elaborate ballgown, with a beautiful prince twirling her around in his arms.  The sound of the rain and thunder wasn't just a storm, it was the moving percussion of a grand band, making music for her to prance to.

She leaned her head up and he leaned his head down.  She pressed her lips against his, lost in the moment, and was startled when her lips found only air.  Hard, formed air, cold and still wet from the rain, but nothing at all like the warm caress of another's mouth.  With a sigh she released the weave and let it fizzle out, dropping her chin to her chest.  She released saidar at the same time, losing the warmth and joy of touching it at the same time.  It didn't feel right to feel that joy when she herself was so sad.  She began crying, softly and silently at first, tears mingling with rain that had managed to find her now that she was away from the wall of the Tower.

 

She crumpled, dropping to her knees on the hard, slick stone of the balcony and leaned against the railing, sobbing her heart out for all that she had lost, making the choice to come to the tower and give her life to these women.  Oh, she didn't regret it, and if you asked her, even now, if she'd make a different decision, she'd say no.  But for right now all she could feel was this oppressive sadness for all that she would never do, would never feel, would never be.  She curled hard arms around herself, wondering if the flat stomach beneath her hands would ever swell with life within it, if she'd know the joy - and pain - of childbirth.  And love.  Saidar was wonderful and amazing, it really was, but right now what she wanted, what she missed, was love.  She wanted to be held and hugged, she wanted to feel needed and wanted, she wanted to have a family, so close to her that nothing could ever break those ties.  She wanted to have a daughter someday, and to teach that daughter to ride horses as if she was one with them, laying low along the horse's neck as it galloped across the fields.  For a moment she thought she could actually feel the somehow comforting sensation of a horse's mane whipping against her cheeks and stinging.  She part her eyelids, lashes beaded with moisture that was more tear than rain, and saw that it wasn't horsehair she felt against her cheeks, but the sudden chill sting of sleet, as the rain that had been falling had been cold enough to freeze into needles as it dropped. 

 

She shivered and rose, thoroughly drenched, and left the balcony, heading back into the warm darkness of the tower.  She left a trail of wet footprints and drops of water from the rain that soaked her white robe and the nightshift underneath it.  She scrubbed at her cheeks with a hand as she returned to her room and sniffled.  Once back inside, she stripped out of her clothes entirely and didn't bother to put on a fresh shift.  Her skin would just wet that one too.  Wrapping a towel around her she crawled back into her bed and lay beneath the light summer blanket and sobbed into her pillow until she was too exhausted and too wrung out to cry anymore.