“I’m fine.†The words sounded hollow still, even after uttering them for the… well, she couldn’t remember how many times she’d said it before. “I’m fine.†She repeated to herself, staring to the far wall of the room she shared with Lyv. No one was there to hear her voice as it shivered slightly the second time she broke the silence around her to remind herself that she was truly fine. She was not, of course. No one was, not now. Not now that… she pushed the thought aside with some effort, instead lifting the letter again. She had almost memorised the words. Come home. The letter had been crumpled and smoothed out again. Come home. Easy for her to say. She didn’t have a life here. Not like… “I belong here.†She said to the emptiness surrounding her. If only she believed it herself. “I still belong here.â€

 

~

 

Alden had stopped her from moving forward, from flinging herself down to where Lyanna and Lanfir were fighting the insane male channeller. Even through Lanfir’s cry for her warder, and then Lyanna’s cry. No! Lanfir! Let go!. Rosheen cried out in time, a wordless cry for Lyanna, whom she couldn’t see from her vantage point, but whom she could almost feel. And then there was the light. That horrible light, and the smell of skin and hair burning. Lanfir’s cry was muted by the rushing of blood in Rosheen’s ears. She fell to the ground, as though all her bones had turned liquid. Lyanna. Gone. She didn’t have to look to know it was true. She didn’t hear the screams of the male channeller, didn’t hear anything, except for Alden’s voice in her ear. “Oh Light… Oh dear Light.â€

 

~

 

She didn’t remember how she’d gotten back to her feet again. There was so much damage, so much death around her. Automatically she started working, pushing rubble away to find the living, closing the eyes of the dead. Aes Sedai streamed into the Hall and Rosheen hated them all for being too slow or too cowardly to save Lyanna. “I’m fine.†She told one of them, shrugging away a hand on her shoulder. The touch had burnt, as though the light she had seen before burned within her too. She had to stay busy. Just keep moving, keep lifting, keep pushing, and don’t think. Never think. That was her mantra, working as well for her as the Spring would have. There was nothing to think about. Not yet.

 

Finally one of the Aes Sedai sent her away, but not before she got a look at Lyanna. At least, she thought it was Lyanna. They had brought Sylandia out before. Just a small body, covered by a white sheet. Rosheen watched them carry her away with a feeling of cold detachment. At least Syl was home now, where she could wait for Lanfir. The Amyrlin was still alive, that much she heard. Alive, but wounded. She didn’t know when or if they took her to her chambers, or to the infirmary at least. When they brought Lyanna out, Rosheen watched her go as well, with almost the same cool detachment. The sheet covering her was white. The shape of a human being was barely recognisable underneath. “That’s not her.†She muttered. Lyanna was elsewhere. Safe. The creator would keep her safe.

 

She pressed her fist against her mouth at that point, as though that would hold back the tears that streamed down her face. Lyanna was safe, but out of her reach for the rest of her life, and there was nothing left, not now… a hand on her arm startled her from her thoughts. “I’m fine.†She choked out, not looking into the gentle eyes of the Accepted standing by her side. She was fine. She just had to stop thinking of things that seemed to burn in her stomach and throat whenever she did. There were things to attend to now. People who needed her. She didn’t know what she’d do if they stopped needing her.

 

~

 

After hours of working to clear away the damage, Rosheen was sent away. Just like that. Well, not just like that. She’d been working vigorously to try to eradicate every trace of the battle that had taken place, and she’d failed, because there was nothing she could do about the hole in the floor, or the Aes Sedai that had been turned to stone. She found herself scrubbing away blood and dust together with servants and Novices alike, until she finally found herself at the feet of the Aes Sedai statue. Tentatively she had reached out, touching the hem of a dress that had been silk, not stone, mere hours ago. She had seen the warder of this woman, crumpled at her feet. Dead, the way a warder was supposed to be when his or her Aes Sedai was torn from this world. She felt as though a band of iron was clamped around her chest, choking her. “You were the lucky one.†She mumbled, to Sylandia, to the nameless warder, to everyone who had died doing exactly what they were meant to do. Even Lyanna…

 

From her place on the floor she’d watched people bustle about, several stout and businesslike women working together to restore order. Aes Sedai and Mistress of the Kitchens alike, working side by side on this hour. The irony of it would have made her laugh if she could have drawn breath. “Go, child.â€. The woman with a yellow shawl had told her, effectively chasing her away. “Get some rest. Others will take care of this.†And she had left, knowing full well that nothing but the memory of Lyanna awaited her in the room she shared with Lyv. Nothing but memories and lost hopes. She faced them with her head held high, for they were what she deserved. Others had been there, fulfilling their duty. Rosheen had been denied that privilege.

 

~

 

It wasn’t until she returned to her room that she remembered the letter her mother had sent her. She had laughed at it the day before. She and Lyv, because this wasn’t the first letter she had received, and it wouldn’t be the last. The message was often the same. Her mother would tell her about what went on in the world, and she would end her letter with a plea that she and Ursana should come home, and that their foolishness had lasted long enough. There was no malice in those words, nor an actual request. Roshana had made peace with Rosheen’s choice long ago. She merely felt that it was her job as a mother to remind her daughter that she had a home elsewhere as well, should she ever decide to abandon the home she had made for herself in Tar Valon.

 

“Come home.†She whispered, looking at the words on the parchment. So easy. It would all be so easy, to pack her things and leave. And where better to go than home. The word felt strange in her mouth, as if it was something she had heard of, but never really experienced. Without much thought she dropped the letter, and walked towards the chest that sat at the end of her bed. She needed to pack, if she wanted to be on her way before nightfall. She could cover many miles before the sun even thought of setting. Her saddlebags got fuller by the moment as she packed shirts, breeches and other things. Fuller and fuller, until her hand finally wrapped around her naginata, which she had merely intended to move so she would have more room on her bed. It was as though the shaft of the weapon was made of ice. It dropped from her hand, clattering on the floor.

 

That was when she found herself sitting on her bed, staring at the far wall, muttering to herself. The presence of the weapon was like a pressure on her mind. As if she’d had too much to drink the night before and was confronted with too much sunlight too early in the morning. Yet even as she closed her eyes, she saw the weapon, and with the weapon she saw Lyanna, and the look of pride in the Aes Sedai’s eyes whenever Rosheen had accomplished something. “I’m fine.†She muttered to herself, the words sounding hollow still because she was not fine, and she wouldn’t be fine ever again, because nothing was left of the life she had been living up to now.

 

~Rosheen Tahn Sakhr

Promised to Lyanna al’Ellisande

There was not a soul in the Tower who was not working to repair the damages, to give the wounded a place to heal and the fallen a place to rest. Lyv tried not to blame herself, instead she channeled her anger at not being able to protect those she served by working in the Infirmary. She cleaned wounds, put bandages on and let her hands be turned to mush by screaming Sisters and the odd guard who had tried to help out. It all moved around her like in a slow motion, Fayth and the other Yellows were running like mad, Accepted were asked to help with the Healing and Lyv and two other guards were asked to help out with cleaning up after them. She did so without question and did not bother to look around at what was left to be done, she needed to clear this space so the Yellows could do their job. She needed to hold this Red Sisters hand as her leg was being healed, she was in pain and tried to look her Aes Sedai calm, so Lyv decided to stand in front of her as much as she could, feeling the woman push her hand down with the cries of pain she muffled down.

 

In all this, reports kept streaming in of who had fallen, what the damages were and where the channeling man was who had caused all of this. Finally he had been overtaken, but by then it had been too late, Sisters and Warders had lost their lives. The Tower had lost its Keeper, was it a rumor, was it true? Lyv seemed to be one of the last to hear and as soon as she could, she went to check with one of the Sisters to see if this was true. She had never seen a Green Sister cry, but this woman was bulging her eyes out and Lyv brought her some water so she could speak. It was true, while Lyv was on the East Wall debating on where to go for dinner that evening, a male channeler had not only breached the Tower and gone mad within, wounding and killing Aes Sedai, but he had taken the life of their Keeper, Lyanna al’Ellisande and there was only one thing Lyv could think of as she heard this news. Shivers went down her spine as she could just imagine her friend’s face upon hearing this news. Rosheen had not bonded the Keeper yet, but Lyv knew her friend felt like and sometimes acted like her Warder already. She needed to get out of the Infirmary and back to her room where hopefully she would find Rosheen. Oh by the light, this was even worse than all the wounded men and women she had seen in the Infirmary. She did not say goodbye, did not take the time to tell someone she was leaving for they would not let her. She simply dropped the towel she was holding and ran out the door. “Rosheen!â€

 

The room they shared was dark, the curtains were drawn and at first Lyv did not see anything. She had to focus and let her eyes adjust to the little light, not willing to light a candle or an oil lamp, knowing that her friend did not want the light to show her pain. Lyv found Rosheen on her bed, placed a hand on her friends’ shoulder and just sat there, there was no need for words, no need for the uttering of feelings Lyv almost felt herself, so strong was the world of pain that Rosheen was in right now. Like waves it washed over the room, washed over Lyv and she knew. “Rosheen, I’m here,†she whispered and waited for her friend to move herself up before grabbing Rosheen by the shoulders and hugging her tight.

 

Lyv Tylin

She didn’t know how much time passed since she’d sat down on her bed. Time was one of those things that had faded rapidly. Even before she was sent to her room she had lost track of it. Time didn’t matter now. Nothing did. She sighed, staring at her hands as she so often had when life got her down. It reminded her of the past, how she had compared her hands to those of her father and her mother, noticing differences and similarities. How different her hands were now, calloused from years of sword practise. Strong too. Useless hands, when it came down to it. When she’d accidentally killed Malvolio, she had looked down on them and had seen them for the murdering hands they were. She didn’t see that now. As she clenched and unclenched them she saw their strength in the flexing of tendons. What use were they, if they couldn’t even help her get close to Lyanna. What use was she, now that Lyanna was no more? Tears rolled down her cheeks, unnoticed even as they fell down her cheeks.

 

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get the image of Lyanna out of her head. Not the broken body under the sheet that had been carried out of the hole, but Lyanna the way she had been before. She could recall every word they spoke during their first meeting, when Rosheen had sought the quench the fire Lyanna built as practise. She remembered the look on Lyanna’s face when she had suggested the other woman should wear a lower cut dress. The way her eyes had glazed over when she had told Rosheen all about her past, giving Rosheen a notion of how old she was, and how young Rosheen was. But despite their differences, there had been something to unite them. Something similar. And now it was gone, for Lyanna was torn out of her life and she hadn’t even had the chance to say all the things she meant to say.

 

“Nine years.†She said, her voice soft but clear. “Nine years, and it’s all gone now.†A chocked sob left her as she thought about those years. All those years she had had a goal, and with Lyanna’s passing that too had faded. It seemed as though her voice echoed through the empty room for a moment, but she knew it was just her mind, telling her the same thing over and over again. It didn’t mute until the door to her room opened to admit Lyv. When she felt the arms of her friend wrap around her all thoughts except the one, suffocating realisation that Lyanna was gone fled her mind. She quietly sobbed in Lyv’s arms until she felt too tired to continue with that, still staring at the wall opposite to her bed, as if it held the answers to all her questions.

 

“Oh Lyv…†she muttered, letting her friend hold her, which at least had some calming effect on her. “What now?†she asked, seeking Lyv’s green eyes with her own gray ones. Somehow she expected Lyv to know the answer to that. Lyv was strong, she had dealt with the loss of her sister. Perhaps her friend knew of a way to deal with the loss of Lyanna as well.

What now, she heard her friend utter these words and had no reply. It hurt deeply to see Rosheen crying and hoping for Lyv to speak words that would help her out. Lyv had none and just held her friend in her arms, stroking her cheek and then holding her tightly again. “They say that time heals all wounds, I cannot promise you that is true,†she said and knew that even though these words would sting her friend, Rosheen would rather see Lyv be honest than tell her a sweet lie to sooth her for the moment.

 

As they sat, Rosheen looked up into Lyv’s eyes from time to time, but said nothing. Neither of them seemed to feel comfortable to break the silence and finally, silence was all they had. Lyv stroked Rosheen’s back a bit and said, “Can I get you something? Have you eaten?†her friend pushed that idea away, but she did accept some water. So Lyv rose and filled a pitcher of water and grabbed two cups. As she sat back down again she said, “What I found very difficult was going to her final resting place, I almost did not go to my sisters funeral but in the end I am glad I did, because it was a set moment to say goodbye. Of course I can still remember her now… as you will with Lyanna, the memories will not fade as long as you keep them alive.â€

 

Lyv

"...as you will with Lyanna, the memories will not fade as long as you keep them alive.â€

 

These were the words that Ursana stumbled upon as he stopped outside Rosheen's room. He'd been there a couple times, when he and Rosheen were trying to get to know one another again after their years apart. The threshhold seemed more than just a doorway now. It was the menacing jaw that threatened to snap him in two if he walked through and found his comfort unwanted. It was... morbid... to think that way, but considering what had just happened...

 

He'd been set to helping clear the White Tower, had been at it for a long time before he'd found out what had really happened. He knew his sister's connection to Lyanna. He wasn't sure what to say or do for her, if he should do anything really, but after putting it off for sometime, he finally made his way here.

 

The words he heard cut deep. Not because of their meaning, but because his sister was hearing them from someone else. He looked at the gaping mouth before him and took a deep breath. One step at a time he walked through the doorway, hesitantly until he saw his sister and her grief. Any fear he had froze and words broke away without thought.

 

"Rosheen... I... I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that..." he took a deep breath, speaking from the heart. Speaking from a heart that beat in a similiar fashion and hoped that her understood her just a little, that his words helped just a little. "I'm sorry you weren't with her. But i'm glad you're still here with me. I'm glad you'll be able to tell me stories about her that no one else knew."

 

Light, he wasn't good at this. He was the youngest, the most protected one in the family. In the end, he simpled reached out a hand to her, touching her shoulder lightly to let her know that he loved her and was there for whatever she needed.

 

 

Her hands were shaking when she accepted the cup from Lyv. Just keeping the water in it seemed to drain her from all the energy she had left. She had been working so hard all day, hauling out the wounded, clearing the debris… Everything, just to keep from thinking and feeling the way she did now. Hollow. So hollow. With effort she brought the cup to her lips, taking a sip of water. One step at a time. She had to take things one step at a time if she were to come through this on top. If she wanted to survive this. She had spent ten years thinking that protecting Lyanna was her purpose in life. But now Lyanna was gone. What did that mean? Another sip, just to keep from crying again. She was sure there would be more time for that later. When they buried Lyanna. When she faced Lanfir, who lived, who had nothing to live for.

 

…will not fade as long as you keep them alive. Lyv’s words finally penetrated the cycle of words that passed through Rosheen’s mind. They would never fade. She focussed on the face of her friend, one of her oldest friends, and thought for a moment about all the things they had already gone through. The things they would no doubt go through again, in the future. There was a future. Just not for Lyanna, and that thought seemed to be capable of breaking her heart over and over again. She took Lyv’s hand and gave it a little squeeze. I’m still here, that squeeze said.

 

She looked up when her door opened again, this time to admit her little brother. Despite everything she found herself smiling. Things hadn’t returned to the way they were back when they were kids. They couldn’t, of course. It had been wishful thinking, back when Ursana chose to stay. But at least he stayed, and at least they got along. And he was here now, offering his condolence, and telling her that he was glad she lived. And also that he understood that it would perhaps be a while before she got over the fact that Lyanna was gone, and she was still here.

 

“Thanks.†She said, reaching up and taking his hand in hers. She was here, and he was here, and Lyv was here. Maybe it was enough. Maybe stories about Lyanna would keep her alive, the way Lyv’s sister was kept alive by Lyv’s warmth alone. “I’m glad you two are here.â€

“Thanks. I’m glad you two are here.â€

 

He had wanted to turn around, to walk out of the room, but the words and her hand in his held him too tightly. Ursana wasn't a coward, but he wasn't good at this sort of thing. Seeing his older sister suffering like this made him want to run out and beat something, a reaction so alien to him that he instantly recognized the change as something the Training Yards had done to him. Something his choice to stay with Rosheen had done to him.

 

Their family might have seemed strange to most people, but they had always been there for one another and in her hour of need, Ursana, the youngest and most incapable of the clan, was going to have to find a way to show his sister the love and support of their whole family. He wrapped his hand tighter around hers then, having no other words to offer, no comfort other than letting her know she wasn't alone and that she was loved.