Perivar absentmindedly followed the Accepted who escorted him through the Tower.  In over two years since he arrived in Tar Valon Perivar had never once stepped inside the Tower.  Even since becoming a Tower Guard he had not had reason to enter.  His current assignment was on the outer walls where all newly raised Tower Guards were sent.  Normally he would have been soaking in all the wonders that the Tower possessed though his mind was filled to capacity.  He could not help but feel relief when he received word that Loraine Sedai and Master Kynwric would meet him. 

 

Perivar kept the invitation inside his coat in case anyone questioned his reasons for being in the Ajah quarters.  Not just any Ajah, the Green Ajah, Kabria's Ajah.  His thoughts drifted back to the Ceremony when he was raised to Tower Guard.  He remembered the shock when he heard Kabria's voice speak the words "I would trust him.”  He had been staring at the ground expecting to hear Loraine Sedai's voice though picturing in his mind that it would be Kabria.  He knelt there feeling guilt that he wanted Kabria in place of Loraine Sedai.  She had been an inspiration and an integral part of his training yet it was Kabria who governed his heart.

 

“Who would witness your oath whose word is beyond question?” Though the question had been lost on his as he stared into Kabria's blue eyes.  He thought he could stare into her eyes for eternity and never want for more.

 

“I would.”  The moment was surreal, her voice like chimes.  The words could not have meant more at that moment.  Light how could he be so blessed.

 

His mind suddenly snapped back to reality, they had stopped, he heard a noise.  The girl had cleared her throat and by the grin that split her face he realized that it had not been her first attempt.  She asked if he was ready before knocking on the door and announcing his presence.  Perivar looked down at his polished boots then straightened his tabard and crimson cloak with the white flame of Tar Valon that marked him as a Tower Guard.  Satisfied with his appearance he scanned the hallway hoping to catch site of Kabria.  It seemed that newly raised sisters did not have as much freedom as he thought.  A pang of anger shot through him at the thought that they were keeping her from him.

 

The Accepted cleared her throat again motioning him to enter.  He was so lost in thought that he had never heard a response to the Accepted's announcement.  With a nod he thanked the Accepted and walked through the door into Loraine Sedai's private quarters.  His stomach was bound in knots, his world had been turned upside down.  He came to meet the only two people who could possibly understand his situation, he came seeking guidance...   

 

 

Loraine eyed Kynwric, not for the first time, as she pushed the last pin into the knot on the back of her head. "He just said it was important, he didn't tell you what he needed?" She wrinkled her brow, wondering what on earth Perivar could feel so tense about. "Was he nervous? Did he...?" she was cut off at the knock on the door and took a deep breath. They'd had a conversation much like this one when one of the twins had thought himself in love a few years ago. That she would think of that now gave her pause. She felt her lips twitch, thinking of her conversations with Kabria.

 

She pulled open the door, nodding to dismiss the Accepted and smiled at the man on the other side of it. "Come in, please," she said, stepping back and ushering him into the parlor. "Would you like something to drink?" She searched his posture, hunting for some clue to what he could be asking them about.

Perivar bowed with the appropriate respect and formality that was due an Aes Sedai before entering the room.  Forget that they knew each other, it mattered not him, not when it came to things of this nature.  Mo matter how friendly and kind, she was still an Aes Sedai and cartain protocols must be followed.

 

For a moment he remembered the night at the inn when his cheeks were stained with red knocking on her door worried that something was wrong.  Her Warder was out scouting and he thought she may be in danger.  Hurrying to her room to make sure all was well as if she could not take care of herself.  Light she could have wrapped him up in flows of air and sent him safely back into his mother's arms and he had been worried over her safety. 

 

To make matters worse he had failed her when she needed him most.  It was only luck and her own quick thinking that saved Loraine's life.  She had refused to lay any blame at his feet though deep down inside he knew it was true, he had failed.  It was the shame of his failure to protect her, adding the fact that one of their fellow trainees had been hurt combined with his worry over being away from Kabria that fueled his anger.  Enraging him to the point were he forced the man who had barred his path to fight him to the death.  It was murder, plain and simple as that though at the time the he layed the blame for his failure at the man's feet.  Sure the man was armed, he had as much chance of winning the fight on the surface though deep inside Perivar had known the outcome was inevitable.  He purposely refused to seek the oneness while he fought the man so that he could feel every emotion.  He embraced those emotions which eventually drove him to kill the man.  Perivar had wounded the man then toyed with him 'til he could no longer hold his anger at bay.  His shame was so deep that he wanted to be the one to die.  The only thing that kept him alive was the need to return to Kabria.  Knowing the hurt she would feel at his loss was what brought him home.

 

He stammered and apology realizing that Loraine Sedai had spoken.  "A drink would be nice, whatever you have will be fine."  He was so lost in thought that he had not even realized that Master Kynwric was already in the room.  He bowed his head respectfully offering him the appropriate courtesies.  "Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, may I sit."  Normally he would have stood though he thought that him doing so might put them off.  He needed guidance and they were the only ones that he could turn to, the only ones that would understand.  He waited on their approval before he would begin.

 

 

Kynwric was leaning against the doorjamb to the private room beyond Loraine's solar, listening to her fret and waiting. They had already been over this a couple times and his answers had not changed since the first time through, she was just worrying. Finally her thoughts were cut off by the knock at the door and before he could really move she had already opened the door and invited Perivar in. He watched as the young man walked in and noticed he almost seemed startled to discvoer that Kyn was indeed standing off to one side of the door. He inclined his head in return to Perivars and gestured to the chair when Perivar asked to sit. "Please, take your ease." Kyn himself took a seat at an angle to Perivar, trying to amke it more of a circle than the pair of them facing their guest. "You were rather cryptic in your request Perivar, what is it that is so dire?"

Loraine recognized the distant expression that seemed to take over Perivar's eyes and let him walk through on his own. She knew he still blamed himself for that mess in Camelyn, and no amount of her talking to him about it had changed that. There were so many things she felt the same way about, that no one had talked her out of, that she couldn't fault him for it.

 

"A drink would be nice, whatever you have will be fine." She smiled and nodded, moving to the sideboard and pouring him a glass of watered wine. She had a feeling tea wasn't something he'd be interested in. The thought made her smile and she returned with a few glasses before taking her seat. She'd over heard their conversation before she made it back and waited for Perivar's answer quietly. He'd come out with it when he was ready.

Perivar took the glass of wine from Loraine Sedai murmering his thanks.  You came here do not crawl into your shell now.  He took a sip from the glass, watered wine which helped to wet his lips so he could speak.

 

"Thank you for agreeing to speak with me.  I'm sorry for being cryptic though I couldn't possibly sum it up in a few words.  You are the only ones that I could turn to.  The only ones who could possibly understand how I feel."  There was so much to say, so many concerns that he wanted to voice.  He wanted to let it all out in a rush though he needed to be thorough making sure that he covered all points. One at a time he thought, take it slow.

 

"You may recall some of this from the first time we met though it is important that I set the foundation.  When I first came to to Tar Valon it was different for me than it was for the other trainees.  Most had come here of their own free will to see if they were worthy of becoming Tower Guards and some had grander dreams of becoming a Warder.  I was not one of them, I was sent here by my father who pledged his loyalty to the Tower by offering his youngest son.  I protested though my father would hear none of it.  I claimed my place was with him in the Borderlands fighting shadowspawn like our family had always done but he claimed that service to the White Tower was much the same though on a grander scale.  Sending me here along with other youngsters from his troops would bring honor to our family.  I came here because I was told to come, because my family's honor depended upon it."  He paused momentarily though he didn't want to lose the momentum.

 

"When I met you, both you and Mistress Thera confirmed my father's words ensuring me service to the White Tower was a noble cause.  That helped me immensely and soon I saw the light.  I felt my purpose here, every ounce of my being was dedicated to getting through my training and becoming a Tower Guard.  From there I would continue training, I hoped that one day an Aes Sedai would find me worthy of becoming her Warder.  My desire to attain such a position was so strong that I swore I would bind myself to the first Aes Sedai who offered.  I know you all cautioned us about jumping into such an arrangement though I felt my true purpose was to become a Warder, who was I to deny an offer of a bond.  If an Aes Sedai needed a Warder then it was my duty to serve.  It was all so clear to me, it made so much sense.  My path and my future were set, I was sworn to the White Tower.  Whatever needed to be done in service would be done."  He paused to take another sip.  He was uncomfortable saying so much though it needed to be said.  He needed guidance if he was to be of any use.

 

"One day I met an Accepted and my whole world changed.  Everything I thought I knew was turned upside down.  Beside being the most beautiful woman I had ever met, her passion and sense of duty to the Tower matched mine.  She called us Kindred Spirits."  The next part was the hardest to admit.  "I knew my purpose, everything was planned out then it all changed.  The day when she spoke on my behalf at the ceremony when I was raised to Tower Guard was more than a dream came true.  I had no idea she had been raised, we were both so busy with our training and when we missed each other for a few days I had no clue.  I had expected Loraine Sedai to say the words, I admit much to my dismay that I hoped it would be my love.  I felt so guilty at the thought because you have done so much for me, but I was lovestruck.  Forgive me but I hoped it would be her instead though I never thought it would be so."  He forced himself to meet Loraine Sedai's eyes.  After all she had done for him it still hurt him to think about it.  He knew she would understand though it didn't make him feel any better for it.

 

"Suddenly I realized my love for her overcame my sense of duty to the Tower.  We swore that our love would come second only to our service to the Tower though over time that all changed.  My love for her now is second to none and I am torn.  I did not ask for this but it is what it is.  My love for her grew so strong that I began to despise my duty to the Tower when it kept me from her.  Even with the promise of her bonding me I am beside myself.  I feel that it is all wrong somehow.  Duty before love I thought but my heart tells me otherwise.  My duty and all that I am belongs to her not the Tower though I feel that may be wrong."  Did any of what he said make sense to them.  Could they understand his concern. 

 

"I know of my duty to the Tower and by my honor I am sworn to it though I am not sure if my sense of honor could endure my love for her.  Can I serve her properly as a Warder if my love for her is greater than my sense of duty to our cause.  Perhaps my duty to serve her and her duty to serve the needs of the Tower are the same though I am not certain if that is true.  For the longest time I thought that I understood it all though I am no longer certain of anything except my love for her."  Perivar drained his glass then looked at them expectantly before dropping his eyes to stare at the floor.       

Loraine listened, watching his body language more than soaking in the words he was saying. She knew he felt bad about the ceremony, but she'd only smiled when she heard about it. Being in love, herself, she knew the signs when she saw them. She was just gifted in hearing it from both sides. They'd been good enough at covering it that she doubted whether anyone else truly understood what was going on. Loraine glanced at Kynwric a moment, a smile hovering on her lips. Oh, but she did.

 

"I think your love for her will only enhance your ability to do your job. I've found that warders who are friends with their Aes Sedai, devote their lives to their care, simply because it's what's expected of them. I don't doubt for a minute that they give it their all, but..." She paused and smiled. "When you lose everything you hold dear when that person is hurt, doesn't it increase the chances of you making sure that doesn't happen?"

 

She fingered the stem of her glass a moment. "I understand your concern, though. Tell me, then. Do you believe, now, that your duty lies in the Tower, or with the Aes Sedai?"

 

She paused and looked at Kynwric. "Better yet, where did you train believing your duty lies, Kynwric? And has that changed? Where do you feel yours lie, now?" She smiled, knowing his answer, but also knowing Perivar needed to hear it.

Kyn listened intently, having been through quite a similar situation himself. While not promised to the Tower, he had been assured of a spot from childhood and always knew it would be his destiny to be here. "When I was your age and freshly promoted to the Guard, I thought my duty lay to the Tower as well, be that Aes Sedai or the ephemeral Tower itself. I too fell in love with an Aes Sedai, and I wondered how I could serve two Mistresses at once. I was Bonded, as you likely are to be, I reflected upon the bond, my duty to the Tower and my duty to Loraine. I came to the realization that Loraine's duty is to the Tower and it is rightly so. My duty is to Loraine and that too is rightly so and in serving her I serve the Tower. Think of it this way, when a King has his vassal knights called for war, the vassal knights bring their men at arms. Those men at arms are commanded by their knights, their duty is to their knight and they serve the knight. The knight in turn serves his king, and so the men at arms serve the king through their knight." He thought he had been about as clear as mud, so he hoped he was making sense to Pervar. "To be a Tower Guard is an honorable profession and you would be a fine Guardsman, likely a commander of units in a short time. However, if your calling is to be Warder to an Aes Sedai, and you have one whom cares for you and you care for her, and it seems the pair would be a good match in temperment.  I think you would be dishonoring the Tower by refusing to serve her, as your service would be greater for allowing her to have it because it would be done not just for duty, but also for love."

Loraine Sedai's voice had a soothing effect on him.  By simply hearing her voice it seemed as if everything would be alright.  He had grown very fond of her.  He remembered the inn again, the Badger and Lioness when he knelt next to the corpse of the Whitecloak that he had killed.  Shame wracked his body, he sat there drinking it in.  His wounds had seemed distant as his body shock with rage.  He refused to form the bond wanting to let the emotions fuel him hoping it would overcome his shame yet it did not. 

 

It was her motherly tone, her soothing words, her insistence that he had not failed her that washed his shame away.  He didn't want to let it go but when he saw the tears in her eyes it had caused his own to well up.  It had taken all of his resolve to hold back the tears.  He had asked her to leave him be, he wanted to be alone to welcome back the misery he had felt yet she would hear none of it.  She had taken care of him as if he were her own.  He would never forget that.

 

Perivar soaked in her words thinking on all she had said.  He thought her questions had been rhetorical so he held his tongue trying to think what his response would have been.  He knew it in his heart though he did not voice it.  He looked from her to Master Kynwric when she asked him the same question.  Sitting there he knew he had come to the right place, if anyone could understand his situation it was them.

 

Perivar nodded as Master Kynwric spoke, it was exactly what he needed to hear.  Light he would never have refused to serve her never that.  He just needed to know that he could do it, balance both love and duty.

 

"I know that part of what we are trained to do is to accept and deal with whatever comes our way but I had not expected love.  Of all things I had never expected that, there is no class that teaches you how to handle it.  For something that is so wonderful it is odd that it can cause you so much pain."  He wanted to wet his lips though he frowned at his glass remembering it was empty.

 

"It was much simpler when I only had one focus, now I have several.  How do you juggle it all?  I want to spend every waking moment with her though on the other hand I want to train harder than ever so that I am better prepared to protect and serve her.  I feel like I am trapped between the two.  If that is not enough I am worried sick when I am not with her wondering if she is alright.  I can't wait to be bonded to her so I can at least know that she is well.  I am hoping that it will at least be some relief, now I have nothing but memories of her when she is gone.  She has been gone more often than not.  I fill those hours with training and standing guard on the wall though my head is not in it.  I need to get my thoughts straight but I don't know how."  It felt good to talk about it though he hoped that their wisdom and counsel could help prepare him to right himself.

"Ah, the juggling of it all... well, you learn. It isn't easy. Light, it isn't easy for regular folk so I'm told, for us it is near on impossible. Love is hope and life and change and hate and pain and a dozen other emotions all tied up into one, it is the one singular life lesson. To know how to love is to be a complete man and it took us years to learn how to do it, not to be in love, but to learn how to love each other for what we are, what are strengths and weaknesses are, what are moods and tempers hold. It is complex, the nice thing is we have the time to learn these things." Kyn sighed and looked to Loraine and smiled and then returned to his thoughts. "Once, many years ago now, Loraine and I were traveling somewhere, it really matters not. We were ambushed, taken captive and held. It was a darkfriend, a powerful one, and he had designs on having a Channeler to serve him... to love him... he chose her." Kyn nodded to Loraine. "She decided to humor him, to save my life she was willing to go along with him. She shut me out, made me think she had fallen for this man, loved him... I had been tortured and was not entirely in my right mind... but I believed her and when they cast me out of his hideaway I fled. I fled to the point of dying, a woman took me in and cared for me and I tricked myself into thinking I cared for her. That lasted a couple weeks until something caused Loraine's blocking of me to slip, I don't know what, but at that moment I knew what had happened, that she had lied about all of it and that I had been duped. I dropped everything then, raced back to the chateau and the darkfriend fled, she was battered and bruised and alive and still loved me despite my transgressions. I've never doubted her since then, I know what she'd go through to save me. It is these things, although hopefully far less traumatic, that teach you about love."

 

He stopped and took a long look at Loraine, he knew the hurt from that episode of their life was etched in his eyes. He knew they both still had dreams about that time and they also knew that he was still out there somewhere. Clearing his thoughts and turning back to Perivar, "There can never be a conflict in my duty and my love, because my duty demands that I protect her from all things, including herself and my love for her demands that I do the same... even if it would cost me the things I hold most dear. Her."

Loraine listened as Kyn spoke, closing her eyes as unwanted memories assailed her thoughts. She could see him perfectly in her head, his features etched in as if he'd cut them there himself. She wasn't completely sure he hadn't. Knowing that if she hadn't been as strong as she was, she wouldn't have drawn his notice. Knowing that, if he hadn't seen her destructive ability, he'd never have chosen her. The memories switched, that shock of knowing what Kynwric was doing and the desolation she'd felt, even though she'd pushed him away...

 

She shook her head and blinked, forcing those memories back where they belonged as forcefully as she could. They didn't go easily, Light, they never did. Their love had seen them through it. They'd lost more than time and blood through that experience. She shuddered, pushing them more. "Some memories are harder to shake off than others."

 

She smiled at Perivar, a little sadly. "When you learn how to juggle your responsibilties, you'll have learned that they're not all that different. I pray you're never put to that kind of test to find out, either way."

Perivar's nervousness had all but washed away everything was so clear the more they spoke.  Then Master Kynwric told their story and he listened as the horrific tale unfolded.  He thought of Kabria, what if it had been them.  The thought if it may him shiver, he would go out of his mind.  Would he have the strength to endure.  HOw could you survive knowing your mind was lost.  He was staring at Master Kynwric hanging on every word though he wanted to somehow block it out of his mind.  He saw him look at Loraine, the love was there but the hurt was evident it made him look away.  He felt ashamed, it was his fault that they were reliving that dreadful event in their lives.

 

Master Kynwric spoke again hammering home the point.  "There can never be a conflict in my duty and my love, because my duty demands that I protect her from all things, including herself and my love for her demands that I do the same... even if it would cost me the things I hold most dear. Her."  It was as if he had been standing in a dark room not knowing where to go then suddenly having someone show him the light.

 

Then Loraine Sedai spoke in her usual tone though it was etched with a hint of sadness.  She smiled at him though he could see the same hint of sadness in her eye.  This time he didn't want to feel the emotions though he let them come.  It made him want to cry.

 

Perivar looked from Loraine Sedai to Master Kynwric.  Guilt ran through him that he was responsible for them reliving that moment.  He did not think he could speak right then though he must.  His voice when it came was scarcely more than a hoarse whisper.  "I am sorry, I...I did not come here....I didn't know"  He couldn't find the right words no matter how hard he tried.  "I'm sorry though I appreciate you sharing it with me."   He looked at Loraine Sedai "I pray you are right." He wondered again if he would be strong enough to endure.

 

Perivar stood to get up addresing them both as he spoke. "I apologize for taking up your time though I knew if anyone could help me it would be you.  There was nowhere else I could go, no one else I knew who could possibility understand what I felt.  It means a great deal to me, more than you could ever imagine that you have welcomed me and shared your past with me." 

 

Perivar made the appropriate courtesies to them both though he paused halfway to the door.  He turned to face Loraine Sedai, the helpless look on his face was as clear as crystal "May I ask one last question?"  He waited for her nod of approval.  "I..in the few months since she has been raised I have barely seen her except for when she meets me in the yards for her weapons training.  When I ask her why she dodges my questions as if they were adders."  He paused trying to find his words "I thought when she became an Aes Sedai that she would have more freedoms though it seems she has far less than when she was Accepted."  It had been tearing him up inside, he thought he had done something to push her away yet he didn't know what he could have done to hurt her.   

Kynwric looked at him and the to Loraine and then back to Perivar. "That my young firend is Green Ajah business and I cannot speak on it." He shrugged, wishing he could tell him to persevere, but only another Sister of the Green could give up those secrets and reasons. He knew what Kabria was doing, which consisted mostly of learning how to be Aes Sedai. But there was more to learn, the whole new world of things that had to be ingrained to be A Green Sister. Kyn recalled when Loraine had been raised, and how they had skirted around the rules for weapons training by taking it into the city. Some was just training, but some of the rest was dinner, or dancing...

Loraine's expression closed before she could react to his comment about not seeing her. She couldn't tell him why. Kabria couldn't either. There was nothing she could say to set his mind at ease. Nothing, except, "She's been very busy with being a new Green, Perivar. You'll have your Aes Sedai back soon enough." She purposefully used the term, even knowing they weren't bonded, yet. She hoped it would distract him, but she had a feeling he'd continue to probe for answers. Would he understand that she couldn't give them?

Perivar merely nodded at their answers, he had not really expected an answer though he had tried.  If he had read them right then they knew but couldn't say.  He was comforted by the fact that neither of them thought it odd that she was so busy.  Well he was slightly comforted by the thought, the truth of the matter was that he missed her dearly.

 

When he reached the door Perivar turned bowing respectfully thanking them again for their time and counsel.  He told them how much it meant to him that they were willing to help him.  They had absolutely no obligation to him, it was simply from the kindness of their hearts.

 

He paused a moment outside their door looking this way and that.  He was foolish to think that she would suddenly appear like in some fairy tale.  As if she would suddenly fall all over him confessing her undying love for him while kissing him like there was no tomorrow.  He was a fool, but he was a fool who was in love.

 

Perivar walked the halls of the Tower thinking on everything that Loraine Sedai and Master Kynwric had said.  One thing in particular summed it up well "There can never be a conflict in my duty and my love, because my duty demands that I protect her from all things, including herself and my love for her demands that I do the same... even if it would cost me the things I hold most dear. Her."   

 

Perivar vowed that tomorrow he would redouble his efforts with his training.  One day he would serve as her Warder and he was going to be a prepared as he could possibly be.  He would love and protect her as long as he lived.  He would fight the Shadow as he was sworn to do though that would always come second to his love.  He would forsake the world for her love.  Right, wrong, or indifferent it would be so...