Using all her skill Thera slipped out of bed, trying not to disturb Jasine. As always, when she tried to slip away his eyes came open and he grinned. Strong arms laced around her waist pulling her back into bed. Groaning halfheartedly she snuggled back in and closed her eyes. She hadn’t really been ready to get up anyway.  As he began to lay kisses on her neck, Thera started to forget why she’d been trying to wake; and when he pulled the covers up over their heads she giggled and proceeded to forget everything but the two of them.

 

An hour later, sweaty and blissfully happy Thera persuaded her fiancée to let her up, begging that she had trainees to see to. Having already completed her morning workout Thera headed straight for the yards. She was still trying to improve her skills and she wanted to find someone to spar with. Lucky for her there was never a shortage of partners in the White Tower.

 

Squaring up with a man twice her size she fought with all she had, but somehow her concentration waned and she took a gash, two inches long and deep, in her right thigh. Gritting her teeth Thera shook the man’s hand and waved off any offers of help. Muttering under her breath she limped her way into the Tower and made the short walk to the infirmary. All the while she was unbraiding herself for making such a novice mistake.

 

It was a beautiful vulpine young Yellow Aes Sedai that helped Thera to a bed and examined her wound. Another time she might have looked at the young woman with interest, but right now her focus was all on her mistake. Chills wracked her body as the healing rushed through her, but when she opened her eyes she unclenched her teeth and started to rise. Two hands firm on her shoulders held her where she sat. “What is the meaning of this!” she barked, not thinking of to whom she spoke.

 

A grin fought with a glare on the Sisters lips, but she looked around before spreading her skirts and taking a seat on the narrow bed. “Well..Mistress Trakelyn, I delved you before you were healed and..there was something else wrong.”

 

“What!?! Is it something that you cannot heal? Am I dying!” Oh Light! Jasine!! “Please oh please say it is not that!” Her voice was as close to panic as it had been in years and she stared pleadingly at the Aes Sedai.

 

Again the Yellow grinned and this time Thera almost grabbed her and shook the grin right off her face. “No, Mistress it is nothing like that.” The Aes Sedai glanced down at Thera’s ring and back to her eyes so quick and less observant woman might not have noticed. “ I discovered that you are two weeks with child. I am sure your husband will be thrilled with the news” She continued to natter on about vitamins and proper diet, but Thera did not hear a word. When she was finally allowed to leave she walked out on the Tower and through the yards without ever seeing a thing. Dazed and in a fog she walked into her office and shut the door. Pregnant….her?

 

Who in their right mind would think that she could be a mother?! Thera’s cheeks heated, but she ended up laughing at her own irrational thoughts. No one had planned for this to happen, or meant for it too. It was a product of her own careless actions, well..hers and Jasine’s.

 

Knowing that the child was two weeks old Thera could pin point the night, down to the hour that she’d conceived. Jasine had been sent out of the Tower for a few days to patrol the surrounding countryside. Not an uncommon task for the newly raised, but with their freedom in love being so new both had taken it hard. For those few days Thera had snapped the head of every trainee that she passed and had even yelled at Arath when he stopped by for a visit. It was foolish and immature, but she missed him terribly and did not know how to calm her irritation; unless she walked around constantly surrounded by the Void. When he had returned late in the evening, Thera was already in bed, but even his quiet footsteps brought her awake. Groggy and still half asleep she had pulled him into bed not even allowing him time to remove his boots.

 

Flopping down in her chair Thera looked down at her flat stomach, trying to picture it bulging with child. Flexing her tight muscles they pressed out against her hand and she shook her head. Her callused fingers felt along her abdomen, as if she could actually feel the small child with in. Sighing she stopped her search and walked over and poured a glass of wine. The cup was to her lips and the wine was in her mouth before she realized what she had done. Spitting the wine all over the table and the wall in front of her she sat down the glass and backed away. Light! “This is going to take some getting used to”she mumbled to herself.

 

Pouring herself water this time she took it over and sat by the unlit fireplace. Just being in that chair brought back all the memories of her first day with Jasine and of his young love. She’d watched him go from a flirtatious child into flirtatious man, and while he’d never lost that innocence so much else in him had grown. Was he ready to be a father? Better yet, was she ready to be a mother?

 

Until the sun was well down over the wall Thera sat in her office with the untouched mug in her hands. This news was life changing, and not only just for her. Her choice would affect Herself, Jasine, all the Trainee’s. There was a lot at stake and she knew she needed time to think.

 

Jasine was on duty that night and would be until morning. Checking with a few of the other guards she found out he was along the North wall. She left him and note telling him she would be back in a few days and left instructions for the trainees. At full dark she saddled BlueRose and road out of the East gate and into the country side. She needed to be away, she needed time to think before she could tell anyone about this. Thera hoped that the Yellow Sister had enough sense to keep the news to herself.

 

Once across the bridge and away from the small town Thera veered from the road and galloped East, towards where the sun would rise. When tall trees hide her from the road she stopped and began a search for a campsite she knew well. Often times when she’d needed space from Serena she would ride out here and spend a few days. Finding the small clearing as she’d always remembered Thera dismounted and hobbled BlueRose. Taking down her saddle bags she pulled out a blanket and spread it on the soft grass.

 

Moving as if by pure instinct she started water for tea and more for a stew. Once all the spices were added and honey put in her tea Thera crossed her legs and closed her eyes resting her hands upon her knees. The only sounds were the hoot of the owl or the rustle of some animal moving under the cover of night. It felt good to be alone, though it did not help with her shock.

 

She still felt as she always had, she did not feel as if she were with child. Again her hands felt along her abdomen, searching for some proof. It was almost as if she did not want to accept the words of the Aes Sedai, but knew by the Three Oaths that they were true. Thera felt guilty for running out on Jasine, but at the same time she already knew some small part of what his answer would be. He loved her, and every part of her, she no longer had any doubts about the depth of his love and somehow she could feel that he would want this child. Could he accept that she did not? Could she?

 

A frustrated sound emitted from her throat and seemed to startle the woods to silence. Opening her eyes Thera poured herself tea and sat again in silence pondering her decision. After several years as Mistress of Trainees she no longer had any doubts that she would make a good mother. If she loved the child even half as much as she did all the young boys and girls that she trained the child would live a charmed life, but what would having the child mean?

 

It meant that she would have to give up on those kids and walk away from Tower Life, find a house in Tar Valon and a new line of work, unless…there was always adoption. But could she allow a part of her and Jasine to wander the world never knowing where they were. She didn’t think so. That meant the only other avenue she could think of.. abortion. Even the word gave her chills and Thera shivered where she sat. It seemed that no matter what choice she made once again someone would be hurt.

 

 

The sun was already peaking through the trees when Thera wrapped herself up in her cloak and fell asleep. She’d spent the whole night in contemplation, weighing her choices and all the effects it would have. During her meditation she’d discovered a scary fact about herself. Every decision she made that was not first well planned and thought out had led to heartache or disaster. It had always been that way, for as long as she could remember. Many would say it was a fact of life, but Thera knew that it was her own irresponsibility and lack of consideration for others that often led to her heartache.

 

It was dark again before Thera stirred and even then she did not move beyond making herself some tea and eating some of the dried meat and chesses she’d brought along with her. Before even a full hour had past she was asleep again, hoping to escape the reality of her situation, but even her own mind would not allow her any escape. For three days she slept almost every moment she could, barely eating or drinking trying to pull herself from her fast increasing depression.

 

It was a dream that finally made her realize that it was time to head home.

 

She’d been about to give birth to her child and no one could find Jasine to let him know. Even though it was useless Thera had screamed her protests at giving birth without him. She held on so long and so hard to her instance to wait for him that the child was stillborn. Only moments after the boys birth Jasine came in the room, his arms loaded down with gifts and an expectant grin on his still boyish face. When she saw the dead child in the Sister’s arms it was more than he could take. Right there in front of the Aes Sedai and Thera or minutes after his child’s death Jasine sent himself to the grave.

 

That nightmare had made Thera awake screaming and drenched in sweat, clutching at her face in horror. Small scratches marred her cheeks from where she cut herself before she woke. Shaking and convulsing by turns she made herself tea and dug out the rest of the food she’d brought. Only foolish dreams brought on by a lack of food and too much sleep she told herself, but couldn’t make herself believe.

 

Even in dreams she was so selfish and single minded that she’d hurt the ones she loved.

 

As soon as it was light enough Thera began to pack her camp, and had BlueRose re-saddled before the sun was fully over the rise.  She still did not know what she was going to do, but she had realized that she was being selfish for staying away for so long. Jasine was probably worried by now and there would be papers to sign and trainees to see. This was not an issue that could be solved in one day, nor was it a decision she wanted to make without her friends and family.

 

Just shortly into her ride Thera began to feel sick and promptly leaned from her saddle and lost what little she’d eaten that day. Sensing some of his rider’s sickness BlueRose would not go faster than a slow trot no matter how hard Thera flailed. All too soon though she was glad of her stubborn mount; her stomach began to lurch again and twice more before she crossed the bridges Thera lost her meal.

 

Not quite ready to face the Tower she stopped at her favorite inn and had lunch. She’d not been in the room two seconds when Claire Mandevin wrapped her up in a hug and exclaimed that she was glowing. “Its your young man isn’t it. He certainly wasted no time and setting you up like a proper woman!” Flapping her arms she tried to hush Claire , but already heads were turning their way. “Light woman hold your tongue before I cut it out! The whole world doesn’t need to know my business.”

 

Just like she did all things, Claire took Thera’s mood with a smile. “Oh hush child, these folk don’t know you from Adam.”

 

Two hours later with a full stomach and no more nausea Thera walked Blue Rose the last few miles to the Tower Gates. Just out of their sight she mounted and steeled herself for the rolling stomach to come. She’d have walked the rest of the way, but someone might think it strange to see her walking when she had her mount. One decision she made as she walked through the gates was to find someone to talk to, before she had to face Jasine.