All those years spent in the wilderness had not discouraged her. Perhaps she had been hardened by it, it had added to this iron face she showed to the world, but for the most part it had only sharpened her determination to press on. She had given up so much for the Tower that it did not bear thinking about; had retreated into the shadows, a spider dark and secret among her sinister schemes, and twitched her web to orchestrate events to her liking. And for many years while her contemporaries lived in the light, thrived on the warmth and liking of those around them, she had accustomed herself to a solitary path far from truth and certainty. Treachery in the past had taught her that other people could not be trusted; that when the dark times came one could only rely on oneself; and that lesson, at least, she had learnt well.

 

Of course she had dreamed of glory. Never lacking for ambition, as a child she had imagined all sorts of triumphs for herself, that she would come to be famous and beloved and everything people had promised she would never be. Those images were so bright she had put them aside once her childhood ended and practicality cast a rather colder light on affairs. Such honours came only to precious few. Perhaps she might lead one or two famous campaigns, maybe even become a Banner Captain in her twilight years once she brought enough age and prominence to the table … it seemed unlikely she would amount to anything else. She had not the effortless smiling charisma other great leaders had possessed, nobody fell at her feet in reverence, her looks and sternness won her few favours.

 

It was rumoured that Captains General way back in the mists of time had summoned Amyrlins to their door rather than the other way about, such had been their power and prestige, those so famous their legends were still taught to novices today. She knew she would never count herself among their number. It would take more than determination and tenacity to be mentioned in the same sentence as Rashima Kerenmosa and all her glittering comrades. Everybody knew that she had been marked forever by the loss of her hand, that she did not have the luck and brilliance to bring all her people back alive, and the Tower was not so short of heroes that it had to make do with the likes of her. Life in the shadow of her peers had always been discouraging: how did anyone measure up to Jehanine de’Gavrielle, cold and perfect as a statue, or to that gorgeous Sitter Jaydena? No, she had not had much real hope.

 

Yet tonight beneath the glitter of a thousand stars she had achieved a dream so long-held it seemed unreal, even now in her triumphant moment, like a painting sprung fully formed into life. Her schemes had come to completion; her faithful faction given its most challenging task on the field of politics, shadowed always by the Order, best and most loyal of her supporters. No older than many of her peers who had not accomplished half so much … even Jehanine, the most brilliant star of their generation, had never made it to where she stood now. It seemed surreal and maybe a bit unfair, perhaps she never should have made it to this place, but for all her flaws and failings and her frequent difficulties with the past, it was she who had lived and risen to triumph. Now she was Captain General.

 

Discretion being the watchword she had to keep telling herself to play it cool. An outward semblance of composure would preserve her ice-cold reputation and give nobody any excue to turn on her … but it was precious hard to act as though she had never even heard this miraculous news. Inwardly she brimmed over with excitement and jubilation. Of course nobody had lived to share it with her, they had all been snatched away by time and the Shadow, and this lent a dark note to an otherwise joyous night; but loneliness had become a constant friend and she rarely gave a thought any more to why nobody was beside her. She was a success! Her faction and the ever skilled Order had come through for her in style. The unwanted child had ascended further than anyone had even dreamed. So much for those doubters and critics.

 

Even so late at night, and the hour was winding onward toward dawn, the corridors echoed to the muffled sounds of song. Some would take any excuse to break open a bottle of wine and others had good reason to do so … particularly, one might hazard, those who had staked their careers on her triumph in this matter. She had promised them that in good time they would be rewarded as their service deserved. They celebrated now in anticipation that their stars would rise along with hers; and in good time their loyalty would receive its prize. They were not the only ones who would be rewarded. All those who had sworn she would never amount to anything, who had argued against her even being given the shawl in the first place, had been proved utterly wrong … and she remembered who had done so, of course, years had not dulled the memories. Everyone would get their reward in due time.

 

Candles danced in the corridors between the bright lamps. Their wavering light illuminated a rather icy smile as the new Captain General headed onward toward her goal. Just as some had good cause to celebrate right now, others should fear … and she suspected that people who had slighted her decades ago, in the certainty that she would amount to nothing, might now be discovering pressing reasons to be out of the city for now. Perhaps her wrath would cool in time. Or perhaps she would merely give that impression. It felt good to be in a position of dominance for once; she could spend hours imagining all the moves she would make in this great game, all the old scores she planned to settle. First and foremost, of course -- and again her smile was somewhat menacing -- was her old rival and nemesis: the gorgeous, popular, skilled and all around unquestionably perfect Jaydena Mckanthur.

 

Revenge after all these years would be so sweet she planned to savour every moment. How galling it must be! To be so fabulous and yet to be surpassed in one’s most burning ambition by one’s plain, drab rival, thus proving at a stroke that a flash of green eyes and long legs did not amount to all that much after all, must shake the very foundations on which Jaydena Sedai had built her faultless life. She indulged herself briefly by imagining that Jaydena was petrified right now. The other woman had to know that a colossal retribution was heading her way after all that had happened between them but, in case any shred of sympathy might colour her judgement, that was the price of losing this kind of gamble and certainly it was well deserved. No doubt Jaydena was too brave as well as all her other endearing qualities to tremble in the aforementioned shoes, but it would be as well for her if she did, perhaps some well-placed trembling might avert the wrath about to strike her. Life was good.

 

It had been some time since she took this path, but her feet found the way to her sister’s quarters all the same, as they had done so on numerous rather less satisfying occasions. All communication between them had ceased after Jaydena had called her the one insult she could never forgive … coward; but she remembered anyway how much of a fool she had been before now, how she had tolerated Jaydena stealing what did not belong to her, how she had even endured Jaydena touching her although the Light only knew it revolted her beyond words. Sometimes she thought life before she ended up on her own again had been one long sucession of mistakes. No more mistakes like that. She had no need of anyone any more, much less the kind of desperate, wordless need that had led her to overlook such contempt from somebody she had imagined to be a friend.

 

Even remembering discouraged her. The time for friends and mistakes had ended. It was time to play a harder game, and that included making certain that people who crossed her regretted it, preferably at length and for the rest of their lives. Up ahead that familiar door waited for her. She paused a moment outside to compose herself, smoothed her skirts, reassured herself that she was the very model of serenity, before she tapped and let herself in. A calculated pause only between request and entry. She did not have to ask permission for anything in her own Ajah Halls any more, particularly not when everyone must be expecting her to give Jaydena the thrashing of a lifetime, and though it startled her to think of these halls as belonging to her now she had no intention of giving up a fraction of the privilege being Captain General had brought her.

 

Inside she found herself graced with the lovely, portrait-perfect face of a woman who had callously and with malice aforethought made her life a misery. It pleased her immensely that rules of protocol dictated that Jaydena show respect to her now; she couldn’t remember the last time that Jaydena had seen her as anything but an unfortunate obstacle for the stealing of Gaidin thereof. “Good morning, Banner Captain,†Sirayn greeted her with a genial smile. And who appointed Banner Captains now? Her smile broadened just a fraction. No prizes for unravelling Green Ajah protocol for long enough to discover that the person thus blessed was, in fact, the one sister with an unrivalled reason to want a certain Sitter to suffer …

 

The Ajah Head. The same Ajah Head whom Jaydena had scorned, whose Gaidin she had stolen, whose courage she had insulted and whom she had opposed as an Ajah Head candidate. The tiny, plain, crippled one whom she had disdained now had complete discretion to destroy her political career and banish her into the wilderness. In fact, mused Sirayn as she contemplated her opponent’s perfect face, she had no reason whatsoever to restrain the temptation to do just that. This would be very satisfying indeed. “I do apologise for the hour of my visit.†Looking at that perfect face, these perfect quarters, this perfect life the urge to smash got a little more intense. She wanted to say something so poisonous it would hit the other woman like a blow; something to assert her new authority; something to strike fear into her prey … but she controlled herself. “Tonight is a night of some significance, however, and we have much to discuss. Such as your future in the Hall of the Tower.â€

 

Sirayn Damodred

Head of the Green Ajah

Out for revenge

Life sure was strange, she thought. Her life had just taken a abrupt turn that she never would have expected. She shuddered and gazed down at her journal,

 

Sirayn was appointed ajah head late last night. I am shocked that she was picked instead of me, I thought with all of my experience in the Hall and in the Battle Field before that, I was a shoe in for the postion. Obviously I was wrong, they picked Sirayn over me. I can't say I am ready to fall over with the shock of it, there was some part of me that felt that she deserved the position more than me, even if it meant that I might lose my postion as Sitter and more than likely the right to be a Green. She has that right, after all I have done to her in the past she has the right. I know she will use it against me at some point and I am prepared for the reckoning. In the past I have been guilty of arrogance and so much more. I pray that I will control it when she taunts me and go out the better woman.

 

She closed the journal and stowed it within her cheerywood box with the roses carved on it. The journal lay on top of many journals just like it. Jade stood and stretch quickly, walked across the room she picked up a dust cloth and set about righting the room. When she had expended some energy doing things the servants should be doing she sat down on the couch and began reading, convinced that she wasn't going to let this bother her anymore. Of course she was ignoring the fact that she had been awake for hours and the sun was barely over the horizon. A quick tap sounded at her door and it opened just as quickly. Only one person would have the authority to just barge into her room and the small form that graced her doorway when it opened, proved her correct.

 

Jade gazed at Sirayn and rose to her feet, she bowed her head and waited for Sirayn to speak. “Good morning, Banner Captain.†The woman was smiling at her and the grin only got wider as she looked at her. Wincing softly she waited for the verdict to fall, Sirayn never smiled at anyone. “I do apologise for the hour of my visit.†Sirayn gazed around her qaurters and her gaze raked her face. Jade felt the cold shiver of desire rise in her gut and she pushed it down. No matter how much she still loved this woman she wouldn't let that control her actions. “Tonight is a night of some significance, however, and we have much to discuss. Such as your future in the Hall of the Tower.†Jade's eyes widened for a second and she didn't know why she was surprised, Sirayn was here for blood and she was coming right to the point. "Captain General, how nice of you to grace me with your presence, you are more than welcome to join me in my quarters at any time as you well know." Jade smiled softly and then continued, "Yes, let's discuss it. Would you like some tea or cakes? Some breakfast perhaps?"

 

Jaydena Sedai

CG/BC

Being a schemer at heart she had prepared herself for a range of responses, from fury to outright violence to submission amid trembling and terror … the latter being a matter of hope rather than expectation, she had to admit, her quarry was far too perfect to fear even for her political survival … but being calmly invited to have breakfast had not occurred to her as a possibility. Nevertheless, her newly gained confidence was so complete and overwhelming that she refused to be disconcerted as she ordinarily would have been. Revenge was so very close now. Only a few words, perhaps a generous gesture if she let the other woman have a day’s grace to gather her belongings before she left, and a remarkable success would be completed. Triumph burned like brandy in her blood and that icy smile she wore wanted to widen a fraction. She kept that under control; no need to taunt anyone … yet.

 

Only the barest hint of steel did she permit to enter her tone. “More than welcome? Yes, I know precisely how welcome I am here.†Her welcome? It was about the most laughable lie she had heard in some time, and despite the constraints of the First Oath, she heard many many lies within the shining confines of Tar Valon. How the other had convinced herself that it was true sufficiently to speak it she could not currently determine; but when one was as accomplished and brilliant as Jaydena Sedai no doubt it came easily. No doubt, and now her tightly suppressed wrath was starting to get out of control, she was a sight less welcome than her Warder would have been … preferably wearing not a stitch of course. But she was not going to let that upset her: it was all over now, not the slightest link bound her to either woman, and they were perfectly free to romp together all the hours the Light sent.

 

Now remembering that had been a misjudgement. She wanted to hit something, preferably an auburn-haired, stunningly gorgeous something. Restraint: that had to be her watchword. Given their respective positions she was now fully capable of taking as lingering and cruel a revenge as she liked without lifting a finger. Just a few words would suffice to achieve everything she had ever wanted. “I should have no objection to taking breakfast with you, Banner Captain,†she kept her smile affable and her tones serene, “but unfortunately I do believe I have been overcome by an attack of sudden cowardice.†Only a lift of one dark brow indicated that there might be any significance there. “It is most inconvenient to be a coward. One never knows when the fit will strike. Perhaps you might find a braver sister to entertain later this morning.â€

 

How very satisfying. She could employ sarcasm while still maintaining the dispassionate composure required of her by the current circumstances. “Of course, that assumes that you are not otherwise engaged, which seems like a stretch of the imagination. Your calendar does appear to be rather busy of late.†Her smile then was diamond hard and diamond brilliant. Life must be difficult indeed when one was accustomed to stealing other people’s Gaidin and then the woman in question had the gall to pass away. Such a tragedy … and briefly real grief wavered ready to break through her savage mood … perhaps this fabulous woman might have kept her bed cold for a while, just out of respect, but no, she had had to seize upon the nearest person as an object for her lusts. A shame indeed that that had turned out to be a certain crippled sister. “But let us not be distracted. You and I have business to discuss.

 

“Being so new of a Captain General,†sweetly she dropped in another reminder of who had lost this battle, “I have been busy tonight deciding who will serve where in my new administration. Those who have served me faithfully shall be rewarded, of course, loyalty deserves that much, does it not? It is so very rare these days.†Not that Jaydena knew anything of loyalty. She suppressed that comment hard before it could come out. “I have decided that I may be making some changes to my Banner Captains. Unfortunately, when there are such skilled, loyal candidates I wish to promote to serve our Ajah’s interests in the Hall … something has to give. And I fear that after our past differences of opinion,†she phrased that as delicately as possible, “you may not be the most favourable choice of Banner Captain I could make.â€

 

How long had it been? Fifteen years? Fifteen years of despair she was avenging in these precious moments. “Do you have anything to add so far, sister mine?†inquired Sirayn in tones of great concern. “I value your opinion.†Only as another excuse to banish this woman as far and as ignominiously as possible.

 

Sirayn Damodred

Head of the Green Ajah

Nobody's friend ;)

Jaydena watched Sirayn closely, watching for any hidden emotions, any movements that might show how she was feeling. They knew each other well and had once been best friends, from that friendship had grown love. Well love on my part at least, she thought silently. Motioning to the table she was about to walk forward, hoping they would be able to discuss whatever Sirayn had come here for in polite discussion, but like everything else that involved both of them this was not to be. Sirayn's voice came out rough and hard, “More than welcome? Yes, I know precisely how welcome I am here.†Jade shook her head, she had thought that she was making some headway by causing no more problems with Sirayn but it was obvious the woman would never forgive her for anything she had done. “I should have no objection to taking breakfast with you, Banner Captain, but unfortunately I do believe I have been overcome by an attack of sudden cowardice. It is most inconvenient to be a coward. One never knows when the fit will strike. Perhaps you might find a braver sister to entertain later this morning.†Turning her back on Sirayn she walked over and poured herself a glass of water, schooling her features before she turned to face Sirayn again.

 

“Of course, that assumes that you are not otherwise engaged, which seems like a stretch of the imagination. Your calendar does appear to be rather busy of late. But let us not be distracted. You and I have business to discuss. She almost snorted, she had not been with anyone or wanted anyone since that night Seia turned her down, which happened right after Sirayn turned her down. Her life seemed to be full of rejections these days. “Being so new of a Captain General, I have been busy tonight deciding who will serve where in my new administration. Those who have served me faithfully shall be rewarded, of course, loyalty deserves that much, does it not? It is so very rare these days. I have decided that I may be making some changes to my Banner Captains. Unfortunately, when there are such skilled, loyal candidates I wish to promote to serve our Ajah’s interests in the Hall … something has to give. And I fear that after our past differences of opinion, you may not be the most favourable choice of Banner Captain I could make.†Closing her eyes she waited for the pain to pass, that she still loved this woman who wanted to hurt her so badly was like a thorn digging into her side. A thorn like the winter roses Sirayn loved so much. “Do you have anything to add so far, sister mine? I value your opinion.†Jaydena picked up the glass of the sideboard where she had set it and took a deep breath before she answered. "Sirayn, weather you believe it or not you have always been welcome here. I will not deny my love for you or that it lead me to some very foolish decisions in regards to you and our friendship." Putting emphasis on the last word she continued, "I am sorry for everything I said to you Sirayn, you would think as old as I am I would have learned some caution. As for the Captain General postion, the best woman for the position won. You full deserved it and I am proud of you for making it. That is the truth, you have risen from nothing, hated and scorned by everyone, by your own ajah head. You have much to be proud of."

 

Pausing for a moment she didn't look at Sirayn to see her reaction. "When I called you a coward I believed it deeply, I was wounded and hurt. However I no longer believe that, you handled that situation as well as you handle everything else. I apologize for those harsh words, I know you will never forgive me as it's not your nature. Know that I am not doing this or saying this for any political advancement or to save my rear. Light woman, I love you and for all I care you can banish me to the Borderlands and I will be fine as long as I have the memories of the love the three of us once shared. It's up to you rather you want to lose me as a Sitter, you know I have the most experience in the position and you know I lead well. Again that's your choice. You are my Captain General now and I bend to your will." She gulped and said, "Sirayn, please however consider what we once had as friends before you send me from the Tower. I know I have hurt you, I wasn't the best friend, I should have cared more about my fellow Sister, more about my best friend than a woman in my bed. A woman who never loved me. I picked her over you and I committed the worse possible crime, I stole your warder. For that I can never say enough words to apologize but I am sorry." Jade closed her eyes and willed the tears back that wanted to pool in her eyes and clog her throat. Knowing that was about to happen and the harsh words and comments that would be directed her way didn't make it any easier...

• Would you like to be the one who sees me lose this all?
  Would you like to be the one who sees me fall?
  Did you want to be the one who pushed me off the wall?
  Did you want to be the one who let me fall?
  Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
  Give it up son, I’m doin’ this my way
  Nobody’s gonna stand in my way
  Give it up son, I’m doin’ this my way
  - "Out Of My Way", Seether

Love! Friendship! The scale and audacity of these lies left her speechless. Momentarily her hard-won composure wavered; the otherwise clear pane of her thoughts turned bitter red, fury rose like a tide, colouring all before it. She wanted to slap that prettily painted face. Just one blow to release all her tight-held wrath, demonstrate her contempt, to leave somebody else shocked and speechless for a change. Masks of civility covered over her feelings well enough but scarcely permitted for a properly satisfying revenge. No: she had to exercise control. Plenty of time for a more discreet vengeance. She flexed her surviving hand, the only movement she could permit herself lest it disclose the intensity of her rage, and brought herself inch by inch back under control. Nothing crossed her smooth, impassive face. No spark of anything in the cool grey eyes. Nothing.

 

Inside she seethed like a caustic potion set to the boil. How much friendship had the other woman had in her heart when she came out with that word, coward, the only insult Sirayn found unforgivable and which still burned her like a brand? How much love, to steal her Gaidin away, and then to turn to her for replacement comfort when the woman perished? Yes, she had felt very loved when this woman had put the beloved’s bond on her only surviving Warder, clearly that had been a demonstration of the most shining and honourable devotion. Love and friendship indeed. She fumed inwardly and strove to keep any sign of it from the outside. Having scarcely behaved in a saintly way herself, she could not exactly claim the high ground, but at least she had never lied about her intentions. Given their long and colourful history it seemed the last straw to be lied to so brazenly.

 

Aes Sedai behaved with equal dignity in triumph and defeat. A sister should not lower herself to scoring points off a beaten rival. Nevertheless, this latest in a long series of clashes only stoked her desire to finally tell Jaydena exactly what she thought of her. No doubt the gorgeous Sitter had picked up on her enmity by now, one so politically skilled could scarcely have missed it, so the only purpose served by such an outburst would be to relieve her own suppressed ill feeling … and that was no good reason to make a move. No, she had kept her own counsel for some time now despite intense provocation, and she did not intend to share her thoughts with all and sundry at this late juncture in the game. It would be an obscure kind of failure to crack now; not to exercise the same control she demanded of her underlings, not to maintain the proper composure, not to be the better Aes Sedai.

 

That was her only concern now. Strange to think that at one point she had wanted something else; that she had sought company to ease her loneliness, warmth and trust, something to make her feel better somehow. Once she had been weak -- but no more. “I see your situation, sister,†said Sirayn with a deceptively sympathetic smile. “I see it very well. If our places were reversed I dare say I should behave in the same way.†Or might have done had she not found offensive the very thought that she might lie to somebody she had once loved, try to convince them of the depths of her supposed love for them, like some common lightskirt. In fact, and the inklings of cold bitterness coiled in her, she might not have behaved in the same way at all …

 

She resumed her speech, seemingly idle, at her leisure. “Here stands before you a mere nobody. A coward who lacks your courage; a political lightweight, having not a scrap of your own history, your illustrious career in diplomacy; a pawn whom you once found easy to move at your every wish. You never quite managed to suppress her as Banner Captain, but surely when you beat her out for Ajah Head, as you certainly would, you could put this upstart in her place once and for all … And since this nobody never had the wits to make it to Sitter alongside you,†only because she had refused, damn it, once and twice and thrice she had refused rather than give up the open road, and if a Dreadlord had not taken her good hand she would have stayed at her soldiering life and never tasted any of this, “… surely she won’t notice if you tell her a few lies?â€

 

Like must beneath the sun her false compassion vanished. Her smile went bitter and diamond hard: a quality of cruelty there, beneath the surface brightness, that spoke much of a long and relentless feud. “Spare me.†In a matter of moments her voice had sunk to something low and tightly controlled. It barely covered over her outrage, that anyone should think her dim enough to fall for this, her fury that it was even considered necessary. “You’re lying. You and I both know the First Oath means nothing to any sister worth her salt. Credit me with enough intelligence to admit that I can see through you. And don’t you talk to me of love and friendship.†It ended on a black hiss. Light help her but she wanted her revenge. So long she had waited to finally claim her dues. So much to claim for: years of longing, being solitary and soldierly beside her friend’s bright brilliance, always on the outside looking in. Yes, she wanted vengeance. Deserved vengeance.

 

Harshly she suppressed the urge to smile. She knew how this would play out, of course, but the expectation was sweet nevertheless. “Let it be thus. As of this moment you are banished from this city. Your rank and station is forfeit. You are no longer Banner Captain. You are outcast.†And her smile broke free like the sun. Nobody had ever been better than Jaydena Mckanthur in all her perfection, yet this crippled and common born nobody had reached that goal, simply through diligence and a little judicious use of scheming. Rejection had long tasted bitter and for Jaydena, who in her startling beauty, intelligence and charm had probably never been unwanted in her life, perhaps it might taste doubly so for being so unknown. She hoped the other woman choked on it.

 

The intervening moments passed in precious silence. Still smiling serenely as a painting she imprinted even the smallest of images on her memory, immortalising this forever. Finally once she had extracted every last drop of satisfaction she continued. “Your sentence, however, is transmuted. For the moment. Possibly.†Briefly she inquired within herself whether she was certain she wanted to do this, came up certain. Tempting though it was to send this conspirator into the wilderness where she belonged, an Ajah Head had to think laterally on occasion, and that meant making use of liars and traitors. “I will permit you to remain in Tar Valon, and even as Sitter … on one condition.â€

 

How far would Jaydena go to preserve her starry career? The question afforded her a moment’s diversion. Beg for it, she wanted to say, beg like she herself had wanted to beg -- had refused to beg … but she had been protecting the Tower then, defending all the priceless information she kept stored in her head, and even at that cost she could never have made herself do it. She bit it back. No begging. “You work for me. You report to me; everything you hear, you make certain I hear. You will never question or undermine me. Everything you do is at my command. No matter how strange or dangerous, I will always have a reason for my orders, and I dare say you will never know the half of it because I don’t trust you enough to tell you. This you will tolerate. I have no sympathy for those who gamble everything, knowing it, and lose. And the reason why you will do this?â€

 

Because I am better than you.

 

Dena had been there in that black cavern beneath the ground where her son sought to make a coward of her. If this woman deemed her a craven, having seen everything there was to see, did that make it true? It was a bitter thought. She did not want to be a coward, damn it, but it seemed a curse that never ended. She could not cut every last shred of ordinary feeling out of herself no matter how hard she tried, and it seemed like it was always the fear that remained, making her more a disgrace to the Battle Ajah every year it did so. Lanfir had feared nothing. No doubt her favourite auburn-haired Sitter lived in the same state of glorious heroism, never daunted by anything, sailing serenely through every challenge life set her. She herself still feared as bitterly as the child she had once been. She couldn’t in all honesty claim to be better than anyone.

 

She went for the coldest truth instead. “Because I beat you. You may be taller and prettier and more charming, and I dare say you’re more intelligent as well, and you’re better at politics and probably better on the battle field and I expect you’ve never feared in your whole life, and of course nobody’s ever told you you weren’t good enough to be Aes Sedai … in fact, let’s be honest, you are far better than me in every respect … but I won. Not you. Me. And I will not permit you to raise a hand against me now or ever again. You will do as I say or you will be gone from this city tomorrow, never to return while I still hold sway here.†Now doubt was worming into her. The memory of fear had upset her. She should have done this differently, better somehow, managed this more cleanly.

 

“This is not a pardon,†said Sirayn, in her most level tones. “I have neither forgotten nor forgiven. Think of it as a stay of execution.â€

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

Jaydena knew before Sirayn ever spoke that her words had not been taken well, Sira might have been able to hide emotions from other people but they had known each other for two long and been friends from to long for her not to pick up the signs. “I see your situation, sister, I see it very well. If our places were reversed I dare say I should behave in the same way.†Shaking her head she sighed deeply, this was not going to go well, not a single thing she had said had sunk in, not a single thing was believed. “Here stands before you a mere nobody. A coward who lacks your courage; a political lightweight, having not a scrap of your own history, your illustrious career in diplomacy; a pawn whom you once found easy to move at your every wish. You never quite managed to suppress her as Banner Captain, but surely when you beat her out for Ajah Head, as you certainly would, you could put this upstart in her place once and for all … And since this nobody never had the wits to make it to Sitter alongside you, surely she won’t notice if you tell her a few lies?†Jade actually rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair at those comments, oh yes she was lying, she was bound by the three oaths but she had lied through her teeth, next Sira would accuse her of being Black Ajah. Snorting softly she waited for the axe to fall as she was sure it would.

 

“Spare me. You’re lying. You and I both know the First Oath means nothing to any sister worth her salt. Credit me with enough intelligence to admit that I can see through you. And don’t you talk to me of love and friendship. Let it be thus. As of this moment you are banished from this city. Your rank and station is forfeit. You are no longer Banner Captain. You are outcast.†Jaydena eyed Sirayn and began to rise to her feet, so that was to be the end of their friendship and years together, of the years she had served the Tower. So be it! “Your sentence, however, is transmuted. For the moment. Possibly. I will permit you to remain in Tar Valon, and even as Sitter … on one condition.†Jade eyed the woman wearily, this little gray eyed woman loved to play games, and this may be the greatest game they had ever played. “You work for me. You report to me; everything you hear, you make certain I hear. You will never question or undermine me. Everything you do is at my command. No matter how strange or dangerous, I will always have a reason for my orders, and I dare say you will never know the half of it because I don’t trust you enough to tell you. This you will tolerate. I have no sympathy for those who gamble everything, knowing it, and lose. And the reason why you will do this?â€

 

Jade sat down solidly in her chair and stared at Sirayn, the woman wanted her to report everything that happened to her. She wanted her to be a spy and report everything back. Shock flitted through her and she wasn't even prepared for the next words that came from that hard mouth, “Because I beat you. You may be taller and prettier and more charming, and I dare say you’re more intelligent as well, and you’re better at politics and probably better on the battle field and I expect you’ve never feared in your whole life, and of course nobody’s ever told you you weren’t good enough to be Aes Sedai … in fact, let’s be honest, you are far better than me in every respect … but I won. Not you. Me. And I will not permit you to raise a hand against me now or ever again. You will do as I say or you will be gone from this city tomorrow, never to return while I still hold sway here.†Jade about choked on her own spit at those words, more intelligent, better on the field. What in the Light was the little woman talking about, I mean maybe she was prettier but she for one thought Sirayn was beautiful and her eyes were just amazing. Her lips curved into a smile at that thought, I guess you know you really love someone when they have just threatened everything you love and still think about how pretty their gray eyes are.

 

“This is not a pardon, I have neither forgotten nor forgiven. Think of it as a stay of execution.†Jaydena nodded slowly and looked at Sirayn. "Your right Sirayn, you hold more than half the ajah in your pocket as it is. If I had been in your position I most likely would have done the same. An General dosen't leave her advesary on the field to fight another battle. Before I make a decision here let me tell you something Sirayn." Her mouth stretched the name long and hard before she continued, "Look me in the eyes as I say this because I will only say it one more time, "I don't believe for one second that you are a coward." Again she made that word stand out before she continued, "I know that I called you that in a moment of rage, do you know why I called you that Sira. I gave that woman everything, you must have felt it through the bond, the way she felt about me at one time. I lost everything to you, the woman I wanted to bond, the woman who loved you more at the end. Did she come to me Sira? Did she talk to me at all Sira? No she didn't!" Her voice broke and she cleared her throat and regained control before speaking, "She loved you more, she never had any intention of coming to me, the woman she swore she would love for all time. I lashed out at you because she didn't tell me herself that she was back. She was the coward, not you. I believed you were the coward at the time but I was wrong. I watched you in the cave, I watched what he did to you, what they did to you, I felt what they did to Seia, you felt your pain and her own, you stayed strong and you weren't a coward. If anyone knows how strong and unafraid you are, it is me."

 

"Sirayn, you have every right to kick me from the Tower, I understand that and I can ever forgive you for that. I love you and that is more important to me than anger. I hope that someday you will forgive me for the horrible wrongs I have committed against you. I will take your orders, I will do what you command and I will report to you about any thing and everything I learn. Your right you have won but you are wrong about something else, I was never better than you, I was never prettier or smarter or any of those things you said. The only reason our ajah head tried to deny you is because she saw you as a threat, you would rise farther than anyone and I believe that one day you will become Amyrlin Seat. You were a threat to her and she lashed out at you because of it. I guess I have run out of words Sirayn, my Captain." She leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes, pushing the tension headache away as she waited for some sort of response from Sirayn.

 

Jaydena Sedai

Her triumphant mood had long since slid downward into bitterness; remembering that her Warder, who should have held her above all others, had instead devoted her passionate Ebou Dari heart to a certain Sitter for years did not improve it. If she had gone to friends for celebration like an ordinary person would have done upon promotion she might have kept her good cheer longer. Instead she had gone to an unwelcome place in order to complete the final stage of her victory; so in a way she had given herself this bitter scene as a reward for all her hard work. Looked at that way her sound rejection was a kind of irony. Although in a way perhaps she had gone to friends, to a woman she could no longer trust, where even if she was congratulated she could not trust it … which just about summed up the state of her private life.

 

The one drawback to being an Aes Sedai of moderate intelligence was knowing exactly how far the First Oath could be bent. Far enough that she could not trust a word anyone said; if she could twist the same words into a figure-of-eight and still stay within their shared vows, so could anyone else, since as she kept reminding herself it was dangerous to conclude anyone else was stupid. Therefore she could only judge this woman and many others on the basis of what they had actually done … and Jaydena Mackanthur had no right whatsoever to a fair hearing. Even had those long and bitter years beforehand never happened nobody called her a coward; it was the one insult she could never forgive. Only one had ever gotten away with it and those had been … unique circumstances. She did not mean to let it pass again.

 

A better woman would have walked out the moment Jaydena kept on talking. The lies she conjured up were so outlandish they startled her: that the Warder who had left her had ever loved her, that she had been placed even for a moment above perfect Jaydena; the same Warder who had gone after her with a dagger. A better sister would have exercised some restraint. She was fed up with exercising some restraint. Her temper rose: the memories were too vivid to ignore so easily, too painful to be pushed down. “What under the Light are you talking about?†An edge of genuine ire rose in her voice; it was half a snarl. She had not lost her temper in a fair while and it looked set to be a challenge to maintain that record. If needs must she could act as the spider waiting in the web, but her patience was not infinite, no, not by far. “Came to me? Talked to me? I had to find out from a complete stranger that she was even alive at all!â€

 

A complete stranger who’d asked her in passing if she minded if this woman bonded her unknown, miraculously resurrected ex-Warder. In hindsight it sounded too bizarre to be true. It had felt like it at the time: too much to take in all at once, a welter of images, touching off her still bitter grief for Dumai’s Wells … for blood and mud and chaos, the agony of a bond broken forever, a cold circle pressed into her unfeeling palm ... and when she had gone to find Seiaman that long while later, hopelessly lost to the love and devotion she had never dared voice while her Warder was alive, what Seiaman had said- “Did you hear what she said to me, that I, that I should have-“ she cut herself off, seething, provoked to a shadow of that old fury by remembering.

 

It hurt her. It hurt because she was everyone’s fool, because she had loved and lost, because Seiaman had wanted her to put aside her duty to the mission as a certain Dreadlord had never made her do, only for her: a sacrifice she could never in a hundred years make. That the Ebou Dari woman had misunderstood this so fundamentally … thought that she could ever even consider placing Seiaman Kera’s welfare above her Tower work … left her cold. Told her all the more sharply that she could never trust Seiaman, who wilfully refused to understand. And that was enough maudlin self pity for one day. Aes Sedai did not need anyone.

 

The total lack of answering comprehension gave her the strange, fragile feeling that Jaydena would never quite follow what she was thinking. Perhaps a life of diplomatic luxury made it impossible to truly understand what it was to give up everything for the Tower. She got herself tightly under control: “Blood and ashes, woman, you knew that all along. Seiaman never wanted to speak to me. It was a mistake that I found out, no doubt it was desperately inconvenient for me to turn up at all, I’m only the one she was bonded to for Light knows how long. It was you she wanted. Do you think I don’t hear what goes on?†an edge of anger rising anew in her tone, damn it, the way she chased this hopeless task in circles was laughable: “It was you she went to. Your roses in her room, your gifts, you were the one kissing her in public, always you! You can twist it all you like but I know the truth!â€

 

Frustration coiled tight and hot in her. She wanted to release it somehow, to hit something maybe, but that would scarcely be suitable for an Aes Sedai. All this bloody propriety got to her sometimes. Exerting a self discipline she was coming to hate, she smoothed out her composure, adopting an iron control. “You will not make me a second choice for my own Warder any longer. I have no Warder now and I am glad of it.†A fitting end for one who interfered in their great love story. She had always had the unfortunate feeling that a romance like theirs was fated, it was an inevitable suspicion when people started trading protestations of passionate undying love forever, and the consequences for interfering had caused her fifteen very hard years. Sirayn tipped a short nod to her rival in so many things. “Good night.â€

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Captain General

Jaydena blinked as Sirayn burst out with, “What under the Light are you talking about?†Jade could see the anger in Sira's eyes and she was shocked, this woman never showed anger, “Came to me? Talked to me? I had to find out from a complete stranger that she was even alive at all!†She was horribly confused, she had always thought that Seia had come to Sirayn, maybe she remember thing incorrectly as that had been a horrible time but she thought Seia came to her. She closed her eyes, if that was true, than she had been an even bigger fool than she thought. “Did you hear what she said to me, that I, that I should have-“ Stepping back she wondered if she had taken the wrong tactic, if she should have bowed her head and said, "Yes Captain General."

 

“Blood and ashes, woman, you knew that all along. Seiaman never wanted to speak to me. It was a mistake that I found out, no doubt it was desperately inconvenient for me to turn up at all, I’m only the one she was bonded to for Light knows how long. It was you she wanted. Do you think I don’t hear what goes on? It was you she went to. Your roses in her room, your gifts, you were the one kissing her in public, always you! You can twist it all you like but I know the truth!â€There were time when she wished it hadn't been her, Sirayn had had so little love in her life, she wished that Sirayn could have know what she knew with Seia. Jade had been loved by others and Sirayn deserved someone. “You will not make me a second choice for my own Warder any longer. I have no Warder now and I am glad of it.†Sirayn gave her a quick nod and a short, “Good night.†Jaydena spoke quietly, "Please don't leave Sirayn, I miss you. Light I miss you, I miss spending time with you, talking about our friends or lack there of, I miss gardening with you, reading and planning in the library. You have been my best friend for longer than I can imagine and now I have lost you because of my own foolishness." She sank into a chair and put her head in her hands, "I lost the woman I love, blood and ashes I lost both of you. I was so confused, I didn't realize that she didn't come to you. That's makes me an even bigger fool and a coward, I attacked you and you had to hear that someone else wanted to bond the warder you thought was dead. I can't even imagine what that was like for you. I would have broken down and cried but you were strong enough to come and tell me about it and I attacked you. Creator just kill me now." A sob welled into her throat and she pushed it down, her voice trembling, "I miss you but I know you can never forgive me, I know I wouldn't forgive me for all I have done to you. Your right to send me from the Tower, I will back my bags at once. I don't think you can work with me as your Sitter and I don't want to cause you problems. You worked hard for this, you are the best woman, and you deserve better than what I have done to you." She curtsied deeply and walked into her room to leave the Tower...

 

Jaydena Sedai

Please don't leave Sirayn, I miss you.

 

It caught at her just a bit, shook her carefully constructed wrath, the armour that kept her safe and isolated. Of course she knew better than to take it as the truth; if she had been in the other woman’s position, beaten hands down in a political game and desperately needing to recover some kind of leverage, she might be trying the same tricks herself. Beg forgiveness, speak soft words, play upon the ashes of old friendship … and trust to luck and loyalty to see her through. Of course it would have stung anyone’s pride to lower herself before another sister, much less when both were Aes Sedai of considerable rank and standing, not to mention old rivals, but that was the price one paid for gambling with one’s career and losing.

 

Yet even knowing it for a lie that story tempted her sorely. A siren song luring her with toward promises of love and loyalty, friendship, someone she could at least trust to watch her back; she had not relaxed in so long she had forgotten how it felt. She too missed the old days when she had been at the heart of a tightly knit group of friends and sisters. Though her resentment ran very deep indeed … it was difficult not to remember who had stood by her in the dark times, who had brought light to that cave beneath the ground, who had comforted her when someone she loved had taken a knife meant for her.

 

She wanted hopelessly to believe it. A belief like that could mean so much: trust, companionship, acceptance; something she craved even now. Such shameful thoughts stemmed from loneliness, she knew, even when she kept it pinned inside, even when she could never admit to it in case anyone thought her weak … her control was good, but not good enough to simply cut everything out, to eradicate all feelings completely. Maybe it never would be. Maybe only machines could live without feeling at all. She envied them; if she had had the same capacity to shut everything off, to ignore the most shattering treachery, or the most tempting lure, she might have avoided much hardship. She might even have become the perfect Aes Sedai: intelligent, rational and entirely unemotional: free from fear and loss and shame. She might have been able to hold her head up in the company of better sisters than she would ever be.

 

If she betrayed the train of her thoughts at all she risked ridicule. To be true, Jaydena had heard more damning confessions from her before and … she had nearly forgotten that Jaydena had given her a hug, just that, just when she had craved the slightest sign of comfort … she couldn’t trust that the same would happen again, Light only knew that, but the thought that all the bloody water under the bridge could be forgotten with just a simple hug once more called to her most intensely. She needed somebody to forgive her, somebody to welcome her. Being as cold as a glacier all the time made for good decisions under pressure, but it didn’t make it any easier to live with herself, couldn’t make her forget.

 

Perhaps she need not worry about what Jaydena might think. Just this past night she had seized the upper hand; her authority now held solid as a rock. She was untouchable. The other woman could do nothing to her. A strange and fragile thought. Surely she could relax, just a little bit; tell herself that Jaydena couldn’t ridicule her even if she wanted to; convince herself that this time there would be no crowd, no mockery, no public humiliation. It was too bloody dangerous to trust anyone -- a warning written into her memory in lines of fire -- and she couldn’t get her head round the idea that it might be safe to do so now.

 

She had never been much good in peacetime. Her personal life was in a state of constant warfare because she only knew how to handle people as her enemies, or maybe it was because of that that her affairs had gone so badly wrong, maybe if she knew how to be a proper friend she would have saved other people hurt. She didn’t even remember how she had once been so easy with these people. Hadn’t she known the risks? Or had she known anyway and she’d had her hands on something so precious she’d decided to ignore it, to live only in the moment and not fear the future. Damn it, if they had loved her and not each other -- if they had only taken all the leeway she had given them and not pushed it to breaking point -- if there had been some way, just one way she could fool herself she wasn’t an unwanted third wheel …

 

She was going to make a fool of herself. Derision would ring up and down the halls of the fabled Battle Ajah; they would all know she didn’t have the backbone to manage this alone; she would lose everything she had worked so hard to build. No letting go. Not even an inch. And yet … she found herself talking almost involuntarily … “I don’t know -- how to forgive you.†Somewhat harsh, she couldn’t seem to make herself soften, didn’t know how to behave toward someone who was no longer her enemy. “I -- what do you want me to say? That I miss you too? Is that how it works? I don’t even know how you talk like that. How-“ damn it, she was useless at this. Stick to her strengths. She should bid her old rival a curt good night, for a second time, and make herself scarce before she tripped herself up any more; but-

 

Please don't leave Sirayn, I miss you. Light I miss you, I miss spending time with you. She was an even bigger fool than she had thought. Cool and in control, that was what she needed to be. “Your job is in the Tower,†she completed her sentence finally, striving for calm. Steadier now. Much better. “I’ll choose who I can and cannot work with. Get thinking about politics.â€

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

Jaydena stood with her back facing Sira as the other woman began to speak, her hand poised above the doorknob to her room. “I don’t know -- how to forgive you. I -- what do you want me to say? That I miss you too? Is that how it works? I don’t even know how you talk like that. How-“ Jade turned and looked at her, shock evident on her face, she never expected anything of the sort, in fact her knees were shaking from how hard she wanted her best friend back. She gulped and her eyes filled with tears that she absently wiped away with her hands. She scrubbed her hands over her eyes as though unsure of how to deal with what had just been said to her. After everything that has passed, after all the hurt I have caused her, can she just forgive me, would it be possible. Light I hope so. Sira's face went hard and for a moment Jade thought she had lost all hope as Sira spoke, “Your job is in the Tower, I’ll choose who I can and cannot work with. Get thinking about politics.†Jade nodded and blinked again as she decided what to say, once long ago she had been able to say anything to this woman she loved and now she feared those days were gone.

 

She had to think carefully before she spoke, she walked forward toward her and began speaking slowly, "I know I wasn't the great best friend in the past Sirayn, I know that I hurt you so much, I am hoping that somethings I did good for our friendship will even it out in your heart. I know that's fairly hopeless but it's a deep desire of mine. Light Sira I could use a friend, someone I could trust not to stab me in the back, someone that knows me, knows my past and dosen't care that I was a slut and whore and everything else you could have called me and probably did at one time. I could use someone who I can talk to and discuss how to handle things within the Sitter group within anger and hostility. I miss our fireside chats and our debates over books in the libraries, I miss having a best friend. I think you could use someone to hold you when things get bad, a shoulder to cry on if needed, someone to make you laugh and remind you what we fight for too." She walked closer and spoke again, "When I walked into the cave and saw the scene in front of me I knew that I cared for you and I wanted to kill them for what they had done for you. I want a friendship like that again, I want to take a knife to anyone who hurts you, myself included." Jade chuckled a watery laugh and spoke again, "Sirayn I am going to take the first step so you don't have to and if you don't want to have that, all you need do is step back. I won't fight you and I won't hate you, I never did hate you and I never could. I was a crazy mixed up person who didn't have her head on right but I am hoping I am better now." Walking slowly to Sirayn she opened her arms and wrapped her arms around her sister, closing them, she slowly rubbed her hands across the other womans back to soothe her and waited to see if she would step back. She whispered, "It's just a hug nothing more Sira."

 

Jaydena Sedai

 

ooc- Light I hope this is ok, I thought alot about how to do this. Hopefully I know her well enough but we shall see... *G*

Ooc: You are patience itself. :D

 

It took a moment’s concentration to stamp out a flinch, half from the unwanted touch, half from the memories it triggered. Come now, what harm could it do? Amiarin Lucif had asked her some hundred feet below the ground, in a vast cavern of biting cold and heat, and in the soft glow of another woman’s room late at night the old question echoed for her.

 

What harm could it do to forgive? All those old grievances had done nobody any good and Jaydena played her role so beautifully that if she closed her eyes to history she could convince herself it was true; at least the Sitter could convincingly pretend affection, she considered it a toss-up whether feigned warmth was better than no warmth at all. Maybe she had misjudged her capacity for the lone game. Yet for Amiarin she’d known in her bones that even the most innocuous-seeming gesture could do a great deal of harm. If she’d not trusted her instincts that all these minor questions meant something in the greater scheme, that if she caved in to that she made it doubly hard for herself to defy the important questions, the Light only knew what might have happened.

 

Her instincts warned her the same way now. To accept simple warmth and comfort from a fellow sister might mean nothing on the surface. But it signified more than an Aes Sedai should permit: that she had let her guard down, that she had allowed somebody near her, that she had made herself vulnerable to a subtle style of subversion. She would not have permitted anyone under her command to ensnare themselves with an Aes Sedai, member of the same Ajah or not, and if it had burned them she would have had no sympathy for them. It was improper to tolerate in herself something for which she would have scorned others.

 

Once upon a time, years ago, she’d needed Jaydena. A full Green Ajah raising took people apart and put them back together in new patterns; she had hated every moment, young and stupid and poisoned by bitterness, unable to let go of Jehanine’s scorn; and she had known nothing. How to act as an Aes Sedai should, what it was to be Green Ajah, even her place in the Tower were mysteries she could not unravel. She had sought companionship -- people who had faith in her and whom she could rely on -- to make Tower life a little more bearable. In the end she’d learnt the hard way as Aes Sedai were supposed to do, found out the reasons behind the old Tower doctrine of separation, and did she owe anything to the people she had left behind?

 

Once upon a time they’d been friends. She’d thought she might even love this woman. No doubt many people took one look at the perfect features and came to the same conclusion, but she kept her hands off beautiful people for much the same reasons as she never drank, reasons like intoxication and risk and self control. She’d liked other qualities in Jaydena, like that strange and incomprehensible ability to discard reality in favour of sentiment, or how a political machine like her could listen to a career-destroying story and never mention it again, and maybe just a little bit the devotion she had given so freely to Seiaman Kera.

 

But that had been a long time ago and she couldn’t go back. The moving finger had writ and all that; lines had been crossed; she’d never mastered the art of forgetting an insult, never learnt how others let so-called friends call them cowards and still take their hand afterward, how to forgive a smiling pretence of friendship … and she had no desire to learn. Only the weak needed a warm embrace after a night of horrors or forgiveness for their crimes. If she needed forgiveness from now on she would make her own.

 

Better not to think of how Jaydena had so casually taken her Gaidin, the only possession she had feared to lose, and broken every Green Ajah custom into the bargain. Definitely better not to think of how cravenly she had let it happen for fear of offending a Sitter and, more importantly, losing her only friend. Anger did not become an Aes Sedai. An Aes Sedai had no ties to break, no friends to lose, nothing to trouble her serenity. It sounded better in theory than it felt in practice.

 

Nevertheless she stepped away, a deliberately slow movement, covering up her instinctive and powerful dislike of having people too close. “No. No, I think not.” She kept her voice quite toneless. “I don’t believe in second chances. You take what you want and you pay the price. You’ve had what you wanted,” certainly Jaydena had had what she herself had wanted so intensely, when she thought of how hard she had tried to make everything right with Seiaman and how easily this dazzlingly beautiful, perfect Sitter had taken everything away, it taxed her composure no end, “and now you pay for it. You can’t take that back.”

 

Now, finally, she felt calm. Considering her decision caused her a satisfying lack of feeling. She had wasted her time trying to be a friend and a sister and a bondmate with a Gaidin and a fellow Aes Sedai who’d never given a damn. Enough of that. Her kind had never been meant for companionship. “We’re done.” Her tone remained even, an Ajah Head with an out-of-favour Sitter, nothing more. “Good night, Banner Captain.”

 

On that note she left; a last glance, a careful stamping out of anything else she might have said, closing the door quietly behind her. Better that she be gone before she make any more of a fool of herself. She still had no idea how Jaydena affected her so strongly, confusing all her clear-cut priorities, but at least now she wouldn’t have the opportunity to find out. Maybe she had caused so much offence that even if for some lunatic reason she changed her mind it still wouldn’t be possible. That would be the best result -- a solid, gilt-edged guarantee that she would never have to deal with Jaydena on any level other than politics.

 

Because for all her bold talk the episode had upset her more deeply than she cared to admit, she left her loyal people alone to celebrate a hard-won triumph and the foundation of their future glittering careers, and crossed the Hall of Swords instead to the Captain General’s office. Never a Sitter herself, she had been here only for purposes of duty before, and to enter it as of right felt quite foreign to her. Inside all was silent. In the stillness she looked up at A’vron Shadar, greatsword and centuries-old symbol of office, and when she remembered that Lanfir Leah Marithsen had stood here before her she had a sudden and disturbing feeling of fragility.

 

Blood and ashes! This was not going to discourage her. She refused to let it. She had fought hard to get here, she had given the Battle Ajah as much service as anyone could ask for, she had a chance to be if not a fine Ajah Head at least a decent one. Only she couldn’t make herself believe her own propaganda. Giving up, she toasted herself drily amidst the trappings of a victory she hadn’t deserved. “Congratulations, Captain General.”

 

Strange. Her new title sounded hollow.

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah

Jaydena waited with baited breath, a part of her knew that Sirayn would reject her and her heart ached at yet another rejection, yet she also hoped that the woman would somehow accept her olive branch. Sirayn stiffened in her arms and stepped back, speaking in her cold voice, “No. No, I think not. I don’t believe in second chances. You take what you want and you pay the price. You’ve had what you wanted, and now you pay for it. You can’t take that back.” Jaydena eyed the other woman and nodded slowly, she had made her own mistakes but yet she never pointed out all the mistakes this woman had made to her face, she never threw back all the things she knew or tried to hurt her with them. As long as she lived she would hold their friendship dear and those secrets would stay close to her heart, though she could have taken the Ajah Head position right now just by revealing even one of them. She lowered her head as the sorrow filled her of so much lost, so much taken from her, or in fact so much she had taken from herself. Jade had ruined the best friendship of her life, in favor of a wench who turned out to be a cheater and of low moral standards.

“We’re done. Good night, Banner Captain.” The pround woman turned and walked briskly from her quarters, shutting the door with a final click, the sounded echoed like a needle falling onto tile, in the dim recesses of the room. Turning away from the door she walked to the couch and lowered herself onto it, memories ripped through her and she thought of all the things that had happened. Walking in and finding her and Lanfir ripping into each other, finding out that her and Seia were in love, the truth about Sirayn’s children, the horrible night in Ebou Dar where she had started down this horrible path. Sirayn always seemed to forget that Seia had been hers first, that they had been in love and promised and Sirayn had bonded her to save her life, that Seia had been the one to come after her over and over in Namandar and after that time. The woman had done everything to win her back, yet Sirayn acted like she had stolen her gaidin. Jade supposed she could have resisted, she should have resisted the advances from that very persuasive woman. Yet, she had not and they had all paid for her lonliness, for her heartbreak, and her weakness.

 

Jade didn’t think that Sirayn had any friends these days, she had been the last one and Sirayn had just turned the offer of renewed friendship down flat. She ignored the tears that had started to flow down her cheeks and pushed at the rage that was boiling up inside of her, like a kettle left to long unattended. The pain was so bad that she stood up and walked over to her writing desk. With a sigh she sat down and pulled out her personal stationary, she got out her writing kit and sharpened the quill. The stationary sat in front of her, pale green with a rose at the corner, the Aes Sedai symbol behind it. She dipped the quill in the green ink and began to write,

 

Sirayn,

I have to tell you that I am about sick of your games, I can see in your eyes that you want to be my friend, yet you turn me down again and again. Sirayn you have made your own mistakes, there’s no denying it, and I forgave you for any mistakes you made in my direction. Did you forget that I was in love with Seia when you hated her guts, did you forget that you wanted nothing to do with her and I was promised to her. I think you seem to forget these things, among others. You throw being ajah head in my face, not even considering that year after year I have stood by you, I have supported you from afar and will continue to do so, despite the fact that I could rip you off that glass pedestal you have put yourself on. Don’t forget that I am choosing to follow you and to be your lackey for lack of a better word, because I care for you and still consider you my best friend. I have apologized enough and I am done with that, I will go on from this day, with the knowledge that I am doing this because I want to and not because I have to. Until the day I die I will honor the friendship we have, which I have protected with my blood and will do so again.

Light Blessed,

Jaydena

 

 

Jaydena picked up a dagger off her desk and sliced her arm open, she turned it over and dripped the blood onto the missive, where she folded it and sealed it with green wax and her own seal. A rose with a sword and the Aes Sedai ring in front of it. Walking away, she picked up the letter and left her room, she knocked on the door to her new Ajah Heads door and then turned and walked away, blood dripping down her arm and onto the floor…

 

 

Jaydena Mckanthur

She burned the letter.

 

If pressed she might confess to a certain disappointment when she opened her new door and looked out on a letter, a trail of blood, silence. She hadn’t truly thought that Jaydena would just let the book of their story together be closed; not because she had any confidence in those supposed feelings for her, in fact she had none, but because she knew how little Jaydena respected anybody’s wishes but her own … and also, a secret thought, because she found it hard to imagine that this would work. Never having to deal with tears or tantrums again, never being labelled a coward and a craven, no more lying awake wondering what under the Light the other woman was playing at, never having to fear that this time maybe Jaydena would lose her temper for good and decide to wreak a little chaos.

 

But she’d hoped … just a little … that this time the Banner Captain would respect the boundaries set to her. That beautiful, flawless, ever-loved Jaydena could conceive of a world in which somebody didn’t want to see her any more. That she could listen to what the friend she professed to love wanted -- to be left alone to pursue their common cause, the only one that mattered, the Tower and hence the Light -- and think of something other than her love life for once. Of course she’d been wrong. But no surprises there. She’d been consistently wrong about Jaydena Mckanthur all along.

 

Frankly she didn’t even know what the other woman had been thinking when she wrote this letter. Supported her from afar? This coming from the person who had just opposed her to become Ajah Head? Did she think that being promised to Seiaman even mattered in the face of the Green Ajah’s oldest rule, one Sirayn herself would never even have considered crossing but which apparently her old friend gave no thought to, the breach of which was a scandal? As for the veiled threats … she had known all along that Jaydena could potentially be a danger to her. And after all the half-truths and the tears, the drama, the whole wretched mess … she had no faith in the other woman’s good will any more. The threatening letter only proved her right.

 

Hence, although perhaps Jaydena did not see the pattern of it yet, she had chosen to make certain. You will never question or undermine me. Everything you do is at my command. Jaydena had agreed to it and while the Three Oaths still bound her perfect Dena could no more turn on her than speak a lie. A promise that could not be broken, a tie which could not be severed … something, at last, she could rely on. She had no need to fear vengeance from her old friend and enemy any longer. It was over: she had won.

 

She let the ashes fall where they might and left.

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah