Just don't let the monkeys in

*face palm*

It was a Dane Cook joke.

I got it Charis lol.

And...

Somebody sh*t on the coats!

 

Dane Cook went to my high school.

I know it was Pete lol

I remember that one

I just couldn't think of anything else

"Hey kid.. You wanna bike?"

I love this one ^^

I like Lim-bizkit!

:D

 

Ima sh*t on these walls Ray!

Scary movie 2!

:D

I was thinking, "How can I be remembered?" and then I suddenly realized you can do it on a daily basis, even if it's one on one with people. For example, the other day, I saw a young boy, and he was eating an ice cream cone, I ran up and I smashed it into his face, I leaned in, I go, "You remember me forever!" and I ran away...

 

Dane cook is a silly B****

LOL

I remember that one.

"How pumped would you be coming home from work knowing that some where in your house there was a moneky ready to do battle?!"

 

 

Dane Cook makes me happy <3

 

^^ I LOVE the car alarm on too! Every times I hear that I laugh so hard I cry..

Mitch Berger > Dane Cook

 

"Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a weak person all day long" :P

Anox I'm sorry but no dear.... just no.

 

"WOOO EH EH EH NE NE thats my favorite part right there NE NE i love it i get inspired i walk around my house infact one night i wrote lyrics and now everytime i hear one i stand on my bed like "HELLOOOO IM A CARRRRRRR GAS-O-LINE MAKES ME RUN BACK SEAT TRUNK SPACE HELLLLLLLOO LETS GO FOR A RIDEEEEEE OIL IS MY BLOOOOD SEAT BELTS RADIO KNOBS!" i dont care if you laughed at that s*** or not next time you hear that your gonna be like haha that dane cook is a silly b**** he got me SEAT BELTS ah chri**!"

 

 

"One thing that I've always wanted to do every since I was little, I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I'd just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light. That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I'm here for YOU. Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts... you're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute?"

 

"Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster."

 

"Just go to an airport, stand in front of a person who is waiting for their flight, and stare at them until they notice you are there. When they look at you, just say "don't get on the flight" and walk away. you know they're sitting there going "I don’t think I should get on this f***ing flight...I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight...thank you angel wearing jeans!"

 

 

 

MY FAVORITE

 

"What if you dove into the pool, and while you were at the bottom of the pool freaking out, somebody poured oil on the surface and lit it on fire! Yeah then you're like, "AHHHHHH!" You gotta just keep swimming around, feeling for a spot where there's no f***ing fire. Then, what if you found a circle where there was no fire, but the second you came up a big dude just punched you in the face? "Get back in the fiery water! You don't come out of the fiery water, cover up that hole with some fire now! Get back in the fiery water!"

 

 

lmfao I SO love Dane Cook...*wipes tears from her eyes* Oh goodness... *laughs* My work partner is looking at me like I am freakin crazy though and I can't very well tell her why and some how that made me giggle even freakin harder. >_<

Shoes F*** Shoes, Look at this guy and his shoes...

 

Another favorite

"I was in my kitchen when I heard it" XD Of course!

 

 

"Has any one seen my shoe? I kicked them off in a fit of joy"

stop laughing.

 

I will punish you all

I will do the punishing around here

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true.

I finally got to see something I've always wanted to witness live.

I finally saw someone get hit by a car.

*car/person collision noise*

Nailed, this guy got hit right in the hip.

That's your center of gravity and that sends you flipping through the air like Eddie Gordo from Techit when someone doesn't know how to do combos and they're just hitting the buttons randomly.

 

I always just miss it, right?

I'm looking, and then I go to order my twisty cone.

*Collision noise* Oh what, what happened?!

The guy got hit? No.

I just went to order my twisty cone and I missed it.

 

This guy gets nailed.. this is the setup.

He's walking down the street and he's doing that wacky speed walk.. he's got the buds in his ears, and I don't know what you're listening to that makes you do this f***ing walk.

Maybe just a tambourine or maracas.

You're just.. *shookashookashookashooka*.

So Johnny Tambourine is walking down the street, he's got the "not a good time to cross" signal. As he's going across, I see the car *car noise* coming down the street. When I see the car coming, I'm like "yesssss finally. don't talk to me. don't talk to me I gotta see this." *collision noise*

 

The guy goes flying into the air, his shoes flew off.

When you get hit by a car, sometimes your shoes will fly off. Sometimes your pants will come off. But I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion on this strike.

 

And before I go any further, here's the best part. This is how he lands on the other side of the car -- which was a dodge by the way, and I thought that was kind of funny and ironic. I just -- I got a little humor out of that. I did try to help this man, as the car was coming towards him I reached out and I said "ohhhhh. ohhhhh." That's all I could think of to say. theres so many things now in retrospect that I would love -- I would love to have been like "you're about to get struck by a vehicle!!!" I did not have time to say "You're about to get struck by a vehicle" so I went with "ohhhhh!" which is like a concerned moan.

 

The guy gets tagged okay, the greatest part of the story. He's in the air flipping around, this is how he lands on the other side of the car. He comes down perfectly on his feet and then he jumps in the air and he starts walking around, embarrassed. He's trying to play it off like he didn't just get hit, by a car.

 

People around him are like..

 

--"Oh my god! Oh my god! Are you alright? Are you okay?"

 

He's like ..

 

--"I'm fine, I'm fine. Seriously, I'm fine. I'm a little bit hungry. But uh other than that I'm fi--"

--"No you should really sit down, you're bleeding from the ears."

--"I know, I know that. I do that. Every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head, it's tradition in my family. Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy. I love getting struck by vehicles and sometimes I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of joy. I'm fine I'm just gonna go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush." *puking noises*

 

**edited for language, k thx!**

pete, i am the head of discipline. i do the punishing dammit

I am the inquisitor and will charmingly inquisition you

bring it on mr sissy.

 

if you aint figured it out, you are to interrogate them, and then hand them over to me.

 

get your job strait

I made my inquisition like the spanish one  8)

 

But we can play your game all you want

I'll f***ing kill you!!! That's a funny one too.  :D

Steven Lynch is the best.

All of you better get it right.

I love Stephen Lynch he is hilarious!!!

Demetri Martin is also amazing!

Oh and I can't forget Gabriel Iglesias!