Broken

There were few things that managed to anger Aramina sur Dulciena. For a woman of her station and background, patience and time were always working for her and words or actions done in anger only worked against her need. Today though, she was seething. There was nothing like being interrupted in your innermost sanctuary, your most private place, by the woman you admired above all, and being called a traitor to get your blood boiling. To find that she had been betrayed by her lover and had almost lost everything she had been working the past 150 years was not something she could take lightly. That her heart felt shattered by the news wasn't something she even allowed to enter into her mind. She needed to think calmly about this. He had entered into their relationship to get something from her and she could applaud him for that, for getting past her walls and close enough to hurt her. She didn't understand they why or the how, and even less understood why he would put her life at all her works at such jeopardy.

 

She reached his room and didn't bother knocking. The door was thrown open and to her immediate displeasure... he was no where to be seen. Seething, she took a seat on the bed. Taking a deep breath she closed her eyes against the world and let herself relax. She needed calm, demanded it of herself. She needed to have her wits about her when Aran came back.

 

And found her on the bed. Beds were never good when Aran was around. Bed. Why did he have two beds pulled together? She got up and began pacing. It was only natural after everything that had happened to look around at this things. Odd sized clothing and... women's clothing. His words came out again, stinging as they did. "No more than you can give." She scoffed.

 

Pacing. Movement helped to keep her mind from the pain that threatened to overwhelm her again. Michael. The name brought it's fresh dose of pain, a name banished from memory and thought for 100 years until today because she had need of such pain to dull what she felt so closely now.

 

Tears filled her eyes as she remembered so much of her one time friend, a man that had treated her as a woman and who had treated her well. He had taken far better care of her than Aran who should have known better. The door opened and Aramina turned around, her careful facade pulling into place to cover the pain and anger she felt.

 

Surprise didn't quite cover Aran's reaction as he opened the door to his room only to find Aramina sitting on his bed. Normally when they met they met elsewhere, in fact she had never been in his room even once. It was a way to keep what they had relatively quiet, though some knew of it now. Certainly Sirayn had, that was why the woman had sent him to escort Aramina after all. No doubt some other sisters knew, but had it become so well known now that Aramina would visit him in his quarters?

 

Or was there something the matter? She seemed calm enough, though she was wearing the mask again. That was usually a sign that something was wrong, because when the mask was off he knew that he could get a smile out of her just by being around. Being someone she could relax around and be happy with at least for a time. Frowning as he closed the door behind him and locked it, he walked over to her. "This is a surprise, whats the occasion?" Sitting next to her, he began to unlace his boots. It had been a long day and they were new boots, breaking them in was a pain.

 

As soon as he sat beside her she was up and pacing again. Amazing how non-chalant he was about destroying her life. None of the details mattered anymore. She had come to that conclusion as she waited for him. No matter what else had happened, the matter at hand was that he had blackmailed Sirayn and it had come craching down on her. She took a deep breath as she watched Aran work his boots off. She had a sudden desire to just use a tiny flow of fire to sizzle the things off him, but she squashed down the irrational thought before it could take true form and distract her with the tantalizing images. Which were better at the moment then seeing him looking up at her from a bed.

 

"I just wanted to pay you a visit. Unless this is a bad time? I'm sure you must have a hundred things to do. After all, it must be time consuming to find a way to betray me so thoroughly." She said, her voice calm and collected. Light, she wanted to scream, wanted to cry from the pain but she refused those things, just as she refused to admit to what it really was she felt about the man before her. Easier to remember Michael and what was real and honest and good in a place filled with liars and treachery.

 

Pausing, Aran stopped what he was doing for a moment as he looked up at Aramina. A couple of very strong possibilities came to mind as to what this would be about, but he wasn't going to open a can of worms if it was still closed. Slipping a boot off, he began to work on the other without looking as he spoke. "What have I done this time?" There was no point softening it, he knew the signs now. He should have known when he had seen the mask on, but it had just been wishful thinking on his part that she wasn't angry with him.

 

It was his casual dismissal that this could be of importance that made her take a step back, that forced her against the wall and hammered at her heart until she felt she would bleed from it. She had certainly been upset with Aran because she had issue trusting him, but blood and bloody ashes it was a real thing. She had made an effort to think first with him now, to understand where he came from and what his life had been like and how her mistrust had hurt him, but this was something enitrely different.

 

Though her face remained as emotionless as before, tears began to fall. She refused to acknowledged them. Refused their existence and refused what he meant to her. She was obviously nothing to him, just a bedwarmer who was becoming an annoyance. How had she risked 150 years worth of service of something as shallow as this?

 

She had no words to make him understand the depths of her pain and had no desire to share it with him. Instead of rant and rave, she said two simple words.

 

"Sirayn Sedai."

 

"Ah." Freeing his other boot, he tossed it aside where its partner lay and looked to Aramina again. Tears were falling once again, damnable woman why did she always mistrust him? It was always this or that, and now it was about something which didn't involve her at all. Of course, he should have expected Sirayn to involve her. She was quite the little puppeteer and now she was going to try and use Aramina to get to him. Not that Aramina would know that she was being used, Sirayn was a masterful spider and she would have just put Aramina on the path. "That doesn't concern you. It is a private matter."

 

"A private matter? Yes, it is a private matter. Much the way my loyalty and service to Sirayn were private matters that you should never have touched on, but you did." She said, her voice growing harder to keep the pain from showing. "Did you never think that what you were doing would touch others, or did you simply not care?" She asked. "Did you not care that the service I have provided, since before your parents were even born, would be called into question, my loyalty and integrity discarded because of whatever game you're playing at?"

 

Raising an eyebrow at Aramina, Aran decided he was going to at least lay back on his bed and relax if this was the way it was going to go. Besides, he was confident in what he'd done, and he knew what Sirayn had done as well. "And despite all those years of service and loyalty she was quick to accuse you? Clearly that shows how much those years of service and loyalty meant to her. Nevermind what it says about the regard you have for our friendship. She is using you Aramina, she knows that we are friends and so she's using you to strike at me. I just hope you aren't doing so willingly... But you are hers, aren't you?"

 

"I have been and always will be Sirayn's sword to point where she will, but if you think she sent me scampering off like a wounded puppy you have it wrong. And don't tell me about manipulation and my service. When you've lived half as long as I have you can speak to me of such things, you who knows nothing of loyalty except to those you consider family." She scoffed at the word. "I think I took the wrong lesson home that night Aran. I thought you had shown me something special, some part of you that you needed to share so that I could understand and trust you better. What I didn't understand was I was supposed to realize that you would never see me as a part of that, as someone you would love and protect!" Her voice was beginning to rise so she took a deep breath. "You watched over me as any good Tower Guard is supposed to and hey you got a little fun bedding a Sitter, but that's it. You did your good deed and bedding the poor unwanted thing and now it's time to blackmail her Sister and make them turn on one another." She turned away then, unable to look at him and unable to walk away just yet. "What was it all for Aran?" She asked. "What did I do to offend you so badly that you felt I needed this kind of betrayal?"

 

Eyes hardening, Aran realised there were two options. He could let her run wild with her delusions or he could give her a verbal smack to wake her up. While letting her do the former would let her spend itself, letting it run like that could do something permanent. Damn Sirayn for her manipulative games. "It had nothing to do with you Aramina, don't be so self centred, and self righteous for that matter. You didn't even think to ask me about this did you? To give me the benefit of the doubt? Did you even bother to think 'maybe Aran has reasons that I don't know about, maybe I should get his side of the story'. No, instead you've ambushed me and hurled your accusations and your paranoid delusions at me the same way Sirayn would have. She did, didn't she? She threw everything you'd done for her in your face, and now instead of learning from her mistake you're doing the same thing. Bravo Aramina, good way to piss on everything we have. But go ahead, unleash your worst on me because I'm sure there is more to come. Well? Lets hear it."

 

"What we have?" Aramina asked, her voice light as she laughed. "What we have is nothing Aran! And unless i'm not mistaken in your choice of clothing, when I walk out you won't miss me a moment will you? Your bed will be full tonight whether it's me or someone else." She wasn't dwelling on that though, not when she knew she wasn't able to give anything more than she did. Light but it hurt to know he didn't. "As for the benefit of the doubt, I don't care what you're up to Aran. I don't want to know why or how or who did what. For once, I want to stay outside the Game and be like everyone else. This isn't about you and Sirayn Aran. This is about you destroying everything I have worked 150 years for because you're so certain that something you want done needs to be done through blackmail! Light! You had to know she would turn on me Aran, you had to know she would suspect me of having a hand in it."

 

"She was also unresponsive to other means. If you hadn't noticed yourself she's a bit intractable. And no, I didn't think she would turn on you. I had thought that perhaps she thought of you differently from her others, but clearly I was wrong." There was little chance of Aran letting her other words slide either. "And don't even start on how my bed is filled. We've been through that before, and if the only thing connecting us is a bed then I must be a fool because I thought there was alot more than that. Trust, friendship, things which you continue to... Faugh. I can only say it so many times. But tell me then, what all have I destroyed? Her trust in you? Clearly it was a pittance if she tossed it aside so easily."

 

She opened her mouth to respond, but closed it almost as quickly as she had opened it. The truth of the last few words hurt more than she wanted to admit. She understood trust and how hard it was to give, understood how little it took to detroy it. Aran could quip all he wanted about what it meant, but when the chips were down he didn't have the history with Sirayn that she had. He didn't understand the all encompassing need she had for Sirayn Sedai to accept her. Or the personal fear that kept her pushing at Aran the way she did, the need to deny her emotions and anything she might want from Aran. Light, how did she become this thing? How had she fallen so far from the path Michael had set her on?

 

Tears filled her eyes again and she realized in her pain and anger, she had too much to say and nothing to say. She couldn't tell him about Michael or Natalie or how Siryan had filled her life with purpose, of the Order and the work they had done. He didn't understand her fear of wanting, and light she wanted! Wanted more from this man than she had from any other and she refused to voice it in the same room he bedded other women.

 

Instead of answering, she walked out. She slammed the door behind her with a weave of air and walked away, finding herself with no where left to go. Her quarters were empty but there was no comfort there. Instead, she retreated to the Ogier Grove. It was almost deserted at that time of day and though she wanted to loose her tears, she held them back, closing her eyes and trying to remember her novice exercises to calm the torrent inside her.

 

Watching Aramina, Aran weighed what he was going to do. It hadn't been hard to find her, a number of people had seen her and the direction she'd been heading in. Added to that the knowledge that she was going to find somewhere to cry, the Ogier Grove was the clearest choice. A bit of wandering had helped and soon enough he'd found her. She was surprisingly quiet, but he could only see her back. No shuddering and no sobs, but they would come he had no doubt. Nevermind that she was... Sirayn, she had played her game oh so masterfully. He wondered whether she had taken pleasure in setting Aramina on this course, or whether it had been fear and desperation. Maybe both. Either way, he was stuck because he couldn't let it work even if he intended to, otherwise Sirayn would keep twisting Aramina whenever she wanted to get to him, or use him.

 

Walking over quietly, he stood maybe a few paces away from her, considering his words before he spoke. So many things that could be said, but now it was time for a softer touch. That and a bit of truth. "Hey." She was quick to whirl about, but Aran didn't give her a chance to talk just yet. "Would it help if I said I was sorry? Whatever it was that I've ruined, that wasn't what I intended."

 

Light, but it did! Part of her relaxed slightly at the soft words, at the fact that he had come out to find her even though she had walked out on him. But part of her understood that no matter what Game she played at, he played his own and Aramina in his bed was a part of that. She should have ended this long before now, should have settled the emotional upheaval before it came this far. She should have learned from Nat and from Michael. She wasn't strong enough to... love.

 

She couldn't say no, couldn't force the lie between her lips so she went a different route. "And what did you intend Aran?" She asked. "Did you intend to keep digging around for information, keeping me as last ditch effort when you needed more?" She asked. "Or do I judge you too harshly? Perhaps I had nothing to do with this as you said, and instead of purposely trying to sabotage my life's work you did it all by accident? It wasn't intentional, it was just stupidity!"

 

"I never used you. And when this matter with Sirayn arose, I specifically never asked you about her so if she ever did question you, you could say without doubt that you never once let a thing slip to me." Letting any defences that he might have held slip, Aran was as open as he could be as he spoke. "As to what I learned, forkroot? You do realise that by all rights I should have reported it outright? That you have brought it and in quantity into the Tower? All in secret, you and Sirayn and others have done this. For all I know Sirayn could plan to lay the entire Tower low with it, but like you I'm giving her a chance and more besides. There's a very limited range of use for such a thing, do you even know why it was brought into the Tower or did you just act on instruction?"

 

"Do not think to question my work as an Aes Sedai Aran." Heat was clear in her voice, anger at being questioned, no matter the questionable legality of her actions. Light, if the Tower knew of her Oaths she'd be lucky to find herself stilled if not executed for the treachery. "If that vile herb was brought into the Tower by anyone it would be for a reasonable purpose. But I suppose you wouldn't understand being a good soldier and doing what you're told would you? You do as you please, skirk your responsibilities, and you've never really been a team player, have you Aran?"

 

She was losing control of her temper. She was a passionate woman, something very few ever saw because she kept it so tightly under wraps, but tonight she was becoming unleashed, no matter that she would have it otherwise. He knew nothing of the Order or oaths that called her to obey without question or demand. How could he understand the full impact of what he had done when he had only half the picture? And yet her pain and humiliation were too much for her to control. "Did the hells of Cairhein teach you that Aran? Sleep with anyone you can, push anyone away that might care, and blackmail anyone in power?"

 

"They taught me to think for myself, and you should be grateful for that because if I were a good soldier I would have gone straight to Brand and told him that you, Sirayn and others had smuggled forkroot into the Tower. It would have gone to the Hall and you along with every one of your compatriots would have been stilled for it." Softly spoken, Aran didn't bother using force in his voice because it would only antagonise her further. Besides, with what he'd said it wasn't necessary.

 

She didn't believe him, couldn't believe that he had shown her something of himself that he hadn't shared with another. She needed to think of him as manipulative as the rest of them and with his cairhien background, it was easier. Easier to think of him as simply as assassin in Tower Guards's clothing and she was just another one of the sheep he had made his prey. She didn't answer his personal question because there was too much that went with it. Shame that he would lie to her and pain that perhaps he hadn't and she had indeed spilled blood upon sacred ground. She went with the safer response.

 

"Is that a threat?" She asked, her voice dangerously quiet now. "Do you threaten to tell the authorize what Sirayn may or may not have? DO you mean to threaten me with such a thing? Or was it enough to just blackmail her?"

 

"There is no may or may not have. When I confronted her I discovered that much myself. And no, I'm not threatening you, I never did." But there it was, perhaps it was foolish to continue now. Perhaps it would be best to leave it, come back to it later. Sometimes you had to take a step back in order to step forward, and she needed time to calm down. "But its really a question of whether you can believe that or not. Despite that, I think I've learned something about the way you view me."

 

Aran gave Aramina a chance to speak but when she didn't take it, he continued. "You think yourself superior to me. That somehow there are different rules that apply to us because you happen to wear a shawl and I wear a red cloak. You can question me over anything and stick your knife in at will but should I question what you do I'm just meant to dance to your tune? Nevermind that you could be stilled over this foolishness, and that I've remained quiet about it. I've decided to do things that need to be done and rather than show the trust I'm showing you by not reporting you, you don't hesitate to spit on it."

 

"No more." That got her attention. "I may know little of your past, but you know mine. I didn't go through all of that just to become a lapdog, a willing fool, to be some mindless drone that does as he's told. If you can't respect that, then there is no reason for us to speak until you can. Maybe... no, you can decide for yourself." A silence settling between them as Aran looked at her one last time, he turned and walked away. It was in her hands now.

 

It was the hardest thing she had ever done, to hold her silence and let him walk away. Her hands wanted to reach out and stop him, arms wanted to hold and sooth, but her pride demanded more from her, and her heart was too battered and bruised. As often as they had fought, Aramina had never thought to see him walk away for good. Watching the set of his body, she thought pehaps she just had.

 

But no matter how her heart broke at seeing him walk away, it was nothing to the pain of knowing how he had betrayed her. No, he hadn't turned her in, but that was the blackamil, wasn't it? If he told anyone of it, he would no longer have it to hold of Sirayn's head, and that was his real quarry.

 

And to be called a lapdog? A mindless drone? There were sisters in the Tower that she might think unkindly enough to speak such phrases, but Aramina knew herself to be beyond such things. She took orders from Sirayn, it was true but she did what she did understanding the purpose of it. Just because Aran's small mind couldn't encompass the big picture that she saw didn't mean it didn't exist.

 

Right. Anger was back and her feet no longer wanted to run off after her lover. Former lover. She shook her head to push such thoughts away. Light, but she'd made a mess of things. She didn't know how to fix them. She wasn't even sure she wanted to with Aran.

 

She took a deep breath and began walking out of the Grove and back to the Tower. Her facade held until after she reached her own quarters. She went straight to her private room and reached for two small pictures on the mantle. Nat and Michael. She looked at hteir pictures a moment before setting them aside, then pulled her knees up under her chin and buried her face, her sobs the only sound that broke the silence until her exhausted body feel into painful nightmares.

 

 

Aramina & Aran