The face the bubbling waters reflected back at her seemed to have changed little in the thirty or so years she had used this place as her sanctuary and escape from the troubles and rigors of life in the shining tower that even here she could not escape. Only subtle hints showed any passage of time, Light she was almost fifty but she only looked twenty-five! Some women would kill to slow the aging process, Estel on the other hand would almost kill to be able to walk away from this place… almost, she knew though that given the choice she would return every time. She died a little every time she acknowledged the fact that she willing bore the chains that held her in this Pit of Doom.

 

While her face had changed little, her eyes betrayed the monstrous transformations that had taken place within. At eighteen, when she had first come, those eyes had been full of fire, life, stubbornness and pride. Thirty years later saw them slightly hollow, with the knowledge of pain and grief and a crushed pride, though the stubbornness remained. Back when most girls were trying to figure out who they were Estel knew, now the tables had turned and her contemporaries knew exactly who they were and what they stood for while Estel searched within herself and tried desperately to figure out what happened in those thirty years.

 

No! She knew! She was Aes Sedai damnit! Every Aes Sedai was sure and confident in her abilities to change the world! Every bloody Aes Sedai knew what they stood for and what they’re Causes were. Every blood Aes Sedai but her. Some Blue she made, she hardly knew where she stood on her issues now.

 

“The implacable front that the White Tower presents to the world is just that – a mask behind which we hide. Most new sisters go out into the world thinking that saidar and the shawl make them invincible, but the deadly truth is that they are a flimsy shield.”

 

Those words strengthened her and made it possible for her to go on, unsure of herself and everything around her. Light but she missed Carise. She confided little of her matters as an Aes Sedai in Orion, certain that he would not understand and fearing that he would see her as less if she showed weakness. Carise had always been there; had been her pillar of strength. Yet for the past few years, some of the hardest Estel had ever known, she had been gone.

 

And finally, just yesterday, her beloved mentor had returned. Estel had received word this morning and had almost immediately sent out an invitation for Carise to meet her in her rooms for tea.

 

They had come to a sort of… alliance at their last private meeting but the Carise had left almost immediately afterwards, leaving Estel unsure of what the Red had meant. She could still remember their conversation vividly. It had been just days before she had Bonded Matthias. Light, Matthias! Now he rotted in the Mother’s Embrace back in the Shienaran hills and his child was now in the protective care of its grandmother.

 

Checking the position of the sun, she grudgingly got to her feet. She brushed off the dirt and leaves as she gave one last longing glance at the small glade and returned to the place she was forced to call home.

 

Not long after she was sitting in her freshly cleaned room, nervously anticipating Carise’s arrival.

A note delivered by a nervous novice had startled Carise out of sleep the first morning after she arrived in the Tower. The aches of traveling still clung to her, and a welcome yet unwary familiarity at being back in the only place she could call home after her years away. No matter the enduring and unchanging edifice that the Tower presented, myriad of changes in its inhabitants had startled Carise after every absence.

 

The first and most unpleasant, this time round, concerned a certain Estel Liones of the Blue Ajah. Word had hit her like a thrown brick when she and Allegra had sat down at dinner the night before. Allegra knew of her former ties with Estel, if not their present uncertain relationship, and it was with a degree of bemusement typical of a Red, though tempered with her knowledge of Carise’s uncommon affections, that she told of the episode with the drawings pasted up over the Blue Ajah walls.

 

Though not much had been said, Carise knew enough to suspect that her former protégé had gone through some very turbulent times, and come through not as well as she could wish. Rumours of a pregnancy with a lost Warder abounded, though Allegra could not detail, having little taste for gossip. Disapproval fought with sympathy in Carise, but over all was her concern for their planned enterprise.

 

That had been at the forefront of her mind as she returned to the Tower. In her years after being unexpectedly called back to Altara she had not been idle; “make ready the way” was a common tenet in Ebou Dari thinking regarding enterprises. Enquiries and such research as could be done in that city had yielded some welcome grains of information. In fact, part of the reason for her return was disturbing news that could spark off a real start of their collaboration.

 

Now, though sadly, she was unsure if Estel could still be trusted.

 

Which was why the novice’s note had jolted her out of uneasy sleep: Estel had invited her for tea. She had passed the morning torn by conflicting emotions, deliberating on whether or not to continue their alliance. Presently she found herself walking into the Blue Ajah quarters in the late afternoon light shining in from high windows. A place that once had the familiarity of refuge, but in truth that time was so far past that Carise forgot those distant memories and felt only like a stranger out of her own land. Avoiding that strange detachment, she focused on the task at hand. There was nothing for it than to test the waters again, and she had to be careful this time.

 

Knocking on Estel’s door, she greeted the familiar face that appeared and accepted the tea the other offered. As an aside she noted the spruce neatness of Estel’s chambers; perfectly contradictory to the picture others had drawn of her. They sat down at the table, and Carise, after a first sip of the slightly mint tea, went straight to the kill.

 

“I only returned yesterday from Ebou Dar,” she told Estel in neutral tones, “but already I have heard some strange tales of your doings.”

 

Carise Doraile

Of the Red Ajah

Despite attempted to calm herself, Estel’s nerves only compounded the longer she waited for Carise. Light burn her, why was she so flaming nervous? This was simply a meeting of old friends. Nothing more. She tried to tell herself aloud but the First Oath constricted her tongue. Damnit, she hated not being able to lie to herself. Damned truths, it was much easier, not to mention more comfortable and far less painful, to remain ignorant of them.

 

No, this meeting was not nothing. Many possibilities stemmed from what happened today. The sort of “informal agreement” they had come to years back, before Carise left, had to be sorted out. Had the Red meant what she had said? Or more importantly, had things changed too much for this to even work. The Light knew she had changed and even Estel wasn’t naïve enough to try and convince herself that her mentor would be the same person that she had been years back.

 

Estel’s heart jumped to her throat when a knock came at the door. ‘So much for calming yourself.’ Like a young village girl opening the door for her newest love, the Blue jumped from her seat and all but ran to the door, only to stand there for a good minute trying once again to calm down to a state that would allow for normal, human communication. She would not make a mess of this!

 

Both women were all smiles and exchanged warm, if slightly guarded, greetings. Of course, like true Aes Sedai, they spent the time examining each other, trying to gather information that would some how give her some idea of how things would proceed and how much the other had changed. Even here, between mentor and mentee, Daes Dae’mar was not abandoned.

 

Playing host, Estel poured tea for herself and Carise before taking a seat opposite the Red. Topics for conversation began running through her mind as she was determined that she would play the perfect Sister and not betray any hint of her troubles or the mess she had made of her career. Burn her, she wouldn’t be able to stand having disappointed Carise.

 

Unfortunately for poor Estel, Carise beat her to the kill. And kill it did.

 

“I only returned yesterday from Ebou Dar, but already I have heard some strange tales of your doings.”

 

Ouch. So much for small talk.

 

The tone was completely neutral, not betraying any hint of disappointment, curiousity or anger but Estel wasn’t stupid, or at least not completely, and those words sliced through her ribs and into her tender, bleeding heart. It was an insult, mind you, it was phrased far kinder than those she was used to enduring but it hurt more than the rest. At least with the rest she could lie and tell herself that she didn’t care what they thought but there was no way she could convince herself Carise’s obvious disappointment didn’t phase her.

 

She took her time in taking another sip and setting the delicate porcelain back on its saucer. Blood and ashes, she didn’t want to face up to her failures yet with Carise. Couldn’t she have had at least a few moments to simply reminisce and pretend she was better off than she was?

 

Carise’s probing look told her “Apparently not.”

 

Estel wasted a few more moments by sighing painfully. “How much have you heard?” She was unable to bear looking into her mentor’s eyes while her judgement was passed so she simply propped her elbows up on the small table and let her head rest in her far from capable hands.

Carise’s eyebrows rose as Estel threw her question back at her.

 

“Well,” she said carefully, “I’ve heard the rumours.” Lifting the tea cup to her lips, Carise let the expectant silence fall between them and observed the woman sitting across from her. Apparently the other was in no rush to give an explanation, if she indeed had one. Knowing her mentee, Carise was loathe to think that Estel did not. The pain in the woman’s face and that slight trace of – was it dread? – in it of Carise’s wrath painted a picture of an Estel with more depth in character that others seemed to attribute to her.

 

A sudden impulse moved Carise to compare the present image of Estel with that of the child she had once known. She noted the characteristic set of the mouth; the ever-present clarity of those downcast eyes, that were even now filled with more care and worry than they had the last time Carise had seen them just two years ago. Yes, she told herself, the steel is still there. It has just been buried – under a mask of dejection, perhaps.

 

With that flash of insight, she opened her mouth and cut Estel off before the other could reply. “Rumours, as I said. Of you with child, two lost Warders – or was it three? Of feuds with novices, of all people, and degrading pictures put up everywhere in the Blue Ajah quarters. My sisters in the Red are amused. Or bemused, maybe, considering how you’ve contributed to the dignified and hard-won reputation of Aes Sedai in general.”

 

Having cast her fuel in the fire, Carise sat back, hands in her lap, and put on a politely inquiring smile that hinted at traces of amusement she did not feel. Even a damp cloth would spark at this provocation. Now to see if Estel was still willing to be as honest with her as she had been before.

 

Carise Doraile

Of the Red Ajah

 

OOC: Back! :)

Unable to stand the probing stare of her mentor, Estel concentrated on the cup of tea in her hands, wondering briefly if Carise would notice should she slip some brandy in her next cup. Light, she couldn’t bear to look up and confirm her bitter certainty that she would find naught but more derision and condemning disappointment; she could not bear the weight of her own, and many, failings, shying once more from the truth. Light burn the truth, Carise knew her better than most and there was no hiding her shame and constant fear that some truth would ultimately shatter the small part of her former self that she retained.

 

Silence remained between the two and the Blue allowed her mind to stray from the topic at hand, avoiding its bitter thorns and returning to the time long ago when it seemed nothing could stand between a stubborn Novice and a brilliant future. Back then it had been so easy to hate and trust- ignorance was bliss. Even only the brief span of two years had changed her entire philosophy to the point where she dared not even hope to begin rearranging the pieces of her shattered life and career to make something of the nearly two decades spent in training.

 

Since graduating from whites, Estel and Carise had managed only a single conversation up until this point. Before; the blessed word before... Before Orion, before Matthias, before the blinding, before the pregnancy, before the public outbursts, before everything that had turned her life to hell. Before all of that there had been a time when Estel wouldn’t have hesitated to bring her problems to Carise’s feet. Now, despite their physical proximity, an ocean separated them and Estel could no claim the right of her counsel.

 

Despite the misery of her situation, the charges laid against her forced a bitter laugh from her lungs. Anger swelled, fighting for dominance in her body and creating the shield from pain that she needed to address the issue without collapsing into a piteous heap. With fiery fury as her buffer from pain she could meet Carise’s eyes and read the amusement there which only threw fuel on the flames.

 

“Two lost Warders? Three! Light, but stories get worse each day! Two? I’ve only lost one Warder to the Blight and now my second is training in the yards- very much alive though very much blind.” Her bitter amusement held until the end of her speech before anger took its place. “Yes, the feuds. Them in their self-righteous glory looking down on the vermin of the streets. They give advice and counsel like coppers while the beggar would rather be left to his own misery.

 

“And yes, the pictures are classic. The Novices’ favourite quotes and the Sisters’ favourite source of amusement. Of course the Reds find it amusing. They sit in their halls, kicking their heels, laughing over the state of the wretched Blue. But who am I to judge- positions reversed, I’d return the favour.”

 

The room plunged back into silence, leaving Estel contemplating how to address the issue of her child. Too many knew already, she was lucky the rumours were still unconfirmed. She’d wait to see if the Red caught her omission before making up her mind.

 

~Estel

Throwing herself a Pity Party

Estel's tirade was like a sudden storm; her fury strangely incongruous with the demure scene of them having a chat over tea. Carise found her dispassionate mask suddenly very difficult to hold in place, and she dropped it on impulse, dark eyes becoming as fiery is Estel’s own. She sat up straight.

 

“Positions reversed, you say,” her voice now sharp. “But they are not. Listen to yourself, Estel! You throw accusations around like spears, as if the whole world were to blame for your troubles. All you want is to wallow in self-pity – correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re probably thinking at this moment how nice it would be if I just left you alone to drink your glass of brandy and shut out the world in your bed.”

 

The silence that followed her words might prove her right, but more probably rose from Estel’s shock at her reaction. In her memory she had more often proffered sympathy where the chance arose, and Estel had never before seen her harsh side.

 

“Far from what you think,” she continued in a less pointed tone, having caught Estel’s attention, “most of the sisters showing you their mocking condemnation now were once in your position as young Aes Sedai. Remember me telling you that saidar is not an effective shield?” She paused until Estel nodded. “Even less effective is it when faced with others who wield it. It is not easy to gain the respect of Aes Sedai, or indeed of anyone. I could tell you of sisters you know - powerful sisters high up in the Tower hierarchy - who almost did not make it into their Ajahs; who lost more Warders than you could dream of; who got pregnant and branded as lightskirts. I myself fell prey to ideals and was the black sheep of the Red Ajah for years after my raising.”

 

The surprise in Estel’s expression showed that she at least had not heard of that last. “But,” Carise continued, now softly but firmly, “what keeps us Aes Sedai is the way we dealt with those problems. Setbacks and failures and derision are the forge fires that strengthen and temper us – each of us has our own load to bear. You have learnt this the hard way. But just because you feel the world is against you and mocking you does not mean you cannot move on from this rut. You have it in you to be the next Blue Ajah Head or Sitter of the Hall – I know this because I know you. But you have to show this to us!”

 

Carise’s expression was pleading; the soft spot she had always had for Estel apparent in her face; her hands now clasped on the table between them. “Face your troubles, Estel. You alone can change your world.”

 

The now-forgotten porcelain tea cups shone in the reflected light of an open window.

 

Carise Doraile

Of the Red Ajah

ooc: ah! sorry this took so long

 

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button, boys,

So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe... just breathe,

 

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around.

2am- Anna Nalick

 

Estel was too stunned to retort or throw Carise’s sudden outburst back in her face. Normally warm, calm eyes suddenly blazed with fire. Never in the time she had known Carise had the Red Sister ever shown she was capable of this... outburst. Estel had always been the one with the temper, not Carise! Her mentor had always had a calming effect on her and this sudden outburst cast an entirely new light of a part of the Red Estel hadn’t known existed.

 

Even once the shock faded, Estel did not reply. Had this been any other Sister in the Tower, her immediate reaction would have been to yell, deny the accusations, throw the woman out of her room! But this was Carise, her mentor and the one person who had never doubted her- until now. Despite having had these facts presented to her by a half dozen other Sisters, coming from Carise she actually listened.

 

By the time silence returned between them, Estel’s hope that she had not completely destroyed Carise’s faith in her flickered back into being, thin and wavering. It wasn’t like any of this information was new, she had been hit over the head with it numerous times, but now it finally started to sink in. She knew this was her own damn fault but once again her mind skirted the truth- the inherent instinct of avoiding pain was her greatest motivator.

 

No tears fell as she laid her head in her hand, closing her eyes as if that would make this all go away. A shuddering sigh shook her thin shoulders. “I know.” Little as it was, that admission was more than any similar lecture had gotten out of her. “I know, but it seems everything I try only blows up in face, forcing me farther back into the hole. For every foot I gain towards the top, it seems I lose two in its gaining. The light at the end of this tunnel gets dimmer and dimmer and I can’t help but fear the day when I can no longer see it.”

 

 

Estel Liones

Hope Flickering like a Candle