Sahra was waiting for Sana's response with her heart in her throat but before he had chance to speak, a fourth person entered the scene. It was Cairma, Fior's mentor, who she did not know that well save from few encounters over the past year and this was definately not the kind of situation she would have wanted Cairma to see. She stiffened at the woman's tone and words. So she was blaming her of this whole thing. It was true that she had been the cause of it and poor Fior had had no idea that there even was anything between her and Sana. A truly proper woman would not have done anything with Fior before first breaking things off for good with Sana. Not that there really was any them, except as mentor and mentee and friends she hoped. And now both of them were in jepardy because obviously they had had very different expectations of each others.

 

And she had to admit that she had surprised even herself tonight with Fior but it had felt right then and it still did in a sense. She hadn't realised until tonight that she had anything but friendly feelings toward her room mate and even though she still wasn't sure of the exact nature of those feelings, they were strong and mutual and... Light, what a mess. And it seemed that Cairma would be having the chat with her instead of Sana. It didn't mean that they wouldn't speak though. They had to. It made her even more nervous that Cairma had mentioned weapons in the first place even if they were not needed. She would surely receive scolding since mentors were protective of their mentees and Fior had been suddenly thrust in middle of things. He had to be hurting now too. She would have to get to him tonight.

 

Did this dismissal mean that she would have to stay in this strange room all night alone? Or just until Cairma and Fior were done talking? She did not want to be with just herself tonight. She felt like a child again who needed someone's comforting presence to tell her that she was safe and loved. But she doubted that nothing of the kind could be expected from neither Fior nor Sana. She had possibly lost them both now and the thought hurt worse than anything ever before.

 

Exiting the room, she lingered in the corridor in her torn clothes and mental state and waited for Sana. He would have to come soon since Cairma had wanted to speak with Fior in private. And even if it had seemed like a good idea to save this chat for tomorrow, she needed assurances. They might not be coming but then she would know that too and could steel herself for the next day. It would be a miserable act but she would have to go on some how no matter what happened. She was praying that she wouldn't have to do it without Sana and Fior. They had become important to her during the past year, crucial even. Loosing them would be like loosing a piece of herself.

 

Then the door opened and closed and Sana stood still when she saw her. "Can you still be my mentor after this?", she blurted out unceremoniously. It was the most gnawing worry. If she was completely shut out of his life, there was no chance that they could ever regain even the semblance of the easy and teasing companionship they had had. If they saw each others every day, he would have to stop being angry at some point.

"Can you still be my mentor after this?"

 

He had barely been able to deal with the sympathy he felt from Cairma when he was suddenly assaulted by the words from Sahra. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Feeling a little more steady he walked past her without a word and opened one of the empty rooms and motioned for her to enter. It was probably best to keep this out of the public and he was more than grateful that Cairma seemed to want to handle this on their own. He really didn't want to have to explain his history with Sahra to Ginae. It had never interfered with her training before and it wouldn't now, no matter what he had to do. If the girl had made her choice, so be it. They'd never made promises to one another, except that they would talk if it was still needed once she got through her training.

 

Well, she wasn't yet and he was her mentor and for now he needed to push all the rest of it aside. Push aside the jealousy and hurt, push aside the friendship they had developed and see this as a mentor and nothing more. He could deal with the rest on his own when she wasn't right in front of him, when he could drink himself into oblivion or perhaps a pair of arms that wouldn't rather be with someone else for the night.

 

"Now," he said as she sat down. He took a seat at the small table and looked at her for the first time since she had walked out. "first things first. Are you really OK? Do you need healing or anything?" He asked.

 

Ursana Tahn Sakhr.. confused mentor :P

His kindness was undoing Sahra and she couldn't help but wonder was he being his sweet self now or playing the role of a concerned mentor. This was the first time when there really was conflict with the roles and she would have rather had him vent at her than have his concern. It was the hardest thing in the world to face him when she was ashamed like a dog but she was no coward. She would face the consequences of her deeds. "Physically I am alright", she said quietly. "But mentally I am not. I am so sorry, Sana. I really care about you. Please believe that. This hasn't gone at all like I thought it would. I dreamed and wished that you would be my first and now..." But she had dreamed of Fior too even if she hadn't realized it until today. Why did it have to be so complicated?

 

What they had done had been wrong because she had feelings for Sana. She had been raised to know right from wrong and act accordingly and Emma would be appalled if she knew that Sahra had feelings for two men. It was unacceptable on any standards except Aran's but despite coming to like the man, she would never hold him as a model of relationships. She was disgusted with herself. "It is a slim comfort that this would never had happened if it had been anyone but Fior." Her voice hardened. "A selective slut is no better than a loose one. Light, all this time I looked down upon my nose on Aran and his women and then I am no better myself. Promises or no promises, I was committed and I violated that." It didn't matter that he hadn't waited on her. Even if she had disappointed him, she had disappointed herself the most and Fior hadn't deserved this.

 

 

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(Missing post. Sana felt bad that she was feeling so bad and crossed his arms to keep from comforting Sahra. He said that she didn't owe her an explanation and that he wasn't going to be a hypocrite and be angry at her. It was her choice.)

 

 

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Body language could sometimes speak volumes more than words and Sana's gesture was a clear sign of rejection. Not that Sahra had expected anything else from him but still it hurt. But it was just befitting that she felt like that. She had never wanted anything but happiness for him and Fior and tonight her actions had brought them both pain. She didn't deserve either of them but the thought of loosing them was agonising. Things just couldn't go back the way they had been.

 

"I felt like I had to explain." Not that anything she could say could ever justify what she had done. "And I haven't made any final choices except about... you know." She did not want to say it out loud, it cheapened what she and Fior had experienced. But she had cheapened it herself already by rushing into it like a cat in the heat before sorting out her feelings for Sana first and making it clear to him where she stood. And even now she wasn't feeling clear at all. Only now he wouldn't be a choice anymore because he wouldn't want her even if it had been possible. Fior likely wouldn't want her either.

 

The worst thing was that Sana and Fior weren't anymore the only people she had to worry about. The triangle had gotten a fourth angle when Cairma had entered the picture. She might be inspecting the room where she had sent Sahra any minute now, she thought nervously her eyes darting at the door. The conversation between them seemed to be over since there was nothing more they could really say to each others right now. But maybe they could still be a mentor and mentee even if the ease they had been with each others would be possibly forever gone.

 

"Sana... about Cairma. How well do you know her? What is she going to do? Or will that depend on what I say to her tomorrow?" The real question was, would she go to Ginae. Things would get really hairy then. "Will she give you grief?" There was deep worry in her voice for she did not want to cause Sana any additional problems.

((OOC: Sorry! I didn't realize this was back at me :P Kick me next time I take so long to post))

 

Sana shook his head as the last question broke his last bit of control. "Light Sahra! I'm sure that Cairma will be willing to keep things quiet. She doesn't want to cause trouble for Fior. So you can put your mind at rest and not worry about yourself anymore. I'll still be your mentor, Fior will probably still be your... whatever... and no one will be any wiser about what happened tonight. Yes, you will have to do some sort of punishment for breaking the rules and i'll let you know what that will be tomorrow Sahra. So go to bed and rest easy. Your little world can keep going just the way you want it."

 

He felt his hands shaking and realized that he had just said more than he had intended. Blood and bloody ashes! What a great time for the Tahn Sakhr temper to rear its ugly head! He had thought he was going to get through this tonight without saying anything anything un-mentor like. He'd failed miserably now and he found he wanted to say more. In fact, he couldn't seem to help himself.

 

"Light Sahra, I went looking for you tonight and I'd been worried half the night because you weren't here or at any of the Inns we've been to. To come back and find..." He took a deep breath. "Don't expect me to be happy for you when you rub my face in it Sahra. I made the choices I did because I respect what you were trying to do here, I was trying to respect you and the life you wanted to live. I kept my hands off because I thought it was more important to help you than to be involved with you. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe we should have just had our little tumble and it would have been over and we'd both have been happier for it. I don't know. Tonight, I can't think past it. Maybe tomorrow we can talk again without..." he gestured between them "this getting in the way."

 

Ursana Tahn Sakhr

Sahra took an involuntary step back when Sana's self-control snapped and he began his rightful tirade. If only he hadn't been so angry, his words would have set her to peace. He thought Cairma wouldn't tell, he would still be her mentor and Fior would be... yes, what? Only the latter two things would change. Sana and she still couldn't be together but the lid had been blown off the box where they had locked away that possibility. And she wasn't sure if she and Fior could go back to being just friends and whether she wanted it or not. It hurt her to see him so upset because of her. She had never wanted to be the cause of anything unpleasent for him. He thought her to be selfish little brat and he was right; she really was one.

 

She was glad that she had managed to weather the storm and stand there listening to him and look him in the face with only slight flinching. She almost thought it to be over and herself dismissed when he continued. She wanted to repeat that she was sorry like a trained little parrot. Only she really meant it but it wouldn't make the pain go away and make things go back to how they had been. As he described how he had wanted to help her, her guilt and admiration only increased. If he kept that up, she would be literally squirming and begging him to stop. Instead he casually labeled their thing as something that would have been one time tryst.

 

That definately made her own temper boil. Was that really what he thought of her, a bed warmer for just one night? She had thought that they had had something special and been something special to each others but maybe he was really a same kind of a jerk as Aran. Or maybe he had just tried to insult her. But on purpose or not, he had succeeded. She knew that it wouldn't be very productive to lash out at him and if they got too loud, Cairma could actually hear and descend upon them like a fury. But she was a creature of passion and she was standing before him eyes blazing before he could finish his last sentence.

 

She could remember enough from her lessons to not shove his chest and give him an opening like her first instinct had been so she just glared at him. "You're badly mistaken if you think that I would have let you to just use me for as a one night stand, you rat bastard", she hissed. "It would have been more and still could be." Just not yet. She had suggested exactly that, having a dalliance even while they were training, on her first day on the Yards and he had turned her down for the reasons he had stated.

He laughed. Light it hurt so much he had to laugh. Ursana had never made promises to anyone and he had always been good to the women who knew him, had prided himself with never having them expect more or less from him than he offered. He had travelled too long and too often to want to leave a heartbreak on the road and it had followed him into the Warder Yards as well, that need to be honest and open with anyone he was intimate with. Only Sahra seemed to be the one pulling at his strings now, making him think one thing and doing the opposite.

 

Before he could stop himself he was half way to her. Her eyes were wide as he grabbed her arms and had her pinned up against the wall. "Maybe it would have been more Sahra, but you decided your one night was more important than that." He said, his voice tight with emotions he was failing to control. "You let me think we were working on something..." He was loosing himself and he knew it, couldn't stop and walk away. He kissed her then, hard and with all the passion that he had kept locked inside himself as he had spent day after day at her side.

 

When he pulled away, it was sudden and complete. He moved back across the room, his heart pounding in his chest. Everything he was doing was wrong, he knew it, but he couldn't make himself stop. "It could have been something Sahra, but you chose to make a fool of me instead." With those words he turned to leave.

 

Ursana Tahn Sakhr

His laughter irritated her and she interpreted it as mocking. But before she could react, he was already on her taking a hold of her and pushing her against the wall. She stared at him shocked and upset as he vented his hurt even more. It was almost enough to dull the edge of her irritation at how he was treating her but her whole mind emptied when he pressed his lips on hers. He demanded and ravaged and she gave eagerly, clinging to him and meeting his fire with her own. Their first kiss had been nothing when compared to this. It had been sweet at first and the passion had built slowly with every caress growing a bit more ardent. But this had been like a jump off the cliff and as sudden and jolting. She felt like the pit of her stomach had fallen off and she had to steady herself when he suddenly ended the embrace and took his distance again.

 

She was pressing one hand to her lips and the other over her racing heart and they froze with Sana's bitter last words. His name was on her lips and she reached for him but he wouldn't listen anymore. She stared at the door he had banged close behind him and felt desolate. Now it was truly ruined between them and she didn't how she could face him tomorrow or any day after this. But it had been her fault and his pain would be her punishment.

 

Suddenly she could feel the whole tribulations of the day pressing on her heavily. She needed sleep and despite being extremely worried and in turmoil, she was exhausted enough to know that she would fall asleep the moment her head hit the pillow. But first she had to go pick her things and speak with Fior. Another difficult discussion and she would be truly pained if Fior would behave like Sana. She realised that she wished he would hold her and comfort her instead and he was good enough man that he even might despite the shock and pain she had caused him too. She didn't deserve either one of them but maybe their friendships could still be salvaged somehow. She had to at least try, she reminded herself as she walked out of the door to her and Fior's room.