Sieve

How long he sat there with his eyes closed he could not tell.  When he opened his eyes the reality of it struck him like a Blacksmith's hammer.  The Tower stood over him like the Dark One laughing at his misery.  Tearing his eyes from the tower he looked down to see a woman in an apron staring at him.  "Are you alright Guardsman?  Are you ill?"  She spoke to him.  Light how long had the woman been there.  He stared at her a moment and she flinched.  Another one he thought as he winced, was everyone going to flinch from him.  She saw his wince and stepped back"No offense Guardsmen but you...you don't look well.  Should I send for an Aes Sedai, are you injured?"  More than you could imagine he thought.

"I..."  His throat was hoarse from the night before.  He had to work moisture into his mouth before he could speak.  "I need parchment and a pen, do you know where I can find some."

"Right this way, my shop is right here.  You can use what you need but you should rest.  I have a spare bed in the back room." Sliding from his saddle he followed her into the nearby shop.

He sat at her writing desk staring at the parchment that contained one word fiercely scribbled in bold print, Why? Perivar stared at the parchment trying to find the words.  This was not his strong point.  He was not gifted with words.  His eyes were veiled in red again as he recalled the horrific nightmare that he had returned to.

The pen began to move as if by itself.  He did not sign it, there was no doubt who it was from.  He sprinkled sand on the page to dry the ink then blew off the remnants.  He neatly folded the letter then asked for a candle while he addressed it to her, Kabria Delondre Aes Sedai.  When the woman handed him the candle he stared at it as if it were an adder.  "Green, how fitting" he murmured to himself then let out a sinister laugh.  The Dark One is going to torment me for the rest of my days.

He dropped the wax onto the letter sealing the flap.  He quickly drew one of his swords pressing the pommel to the wax.  When he looked at his family's crest in the green wax he shuddered.

The shopkeeper took it as a sign of the fever that he must have.  He looked like death "You should rest son." She said, the woman was old enough to be his mother after all and mother him is what she tried to do. "Let me get you some food, some soup at least and some warm blankets.  You are damp from head to toe.  Let me feel your forehead you probably have a fever.  I am going to get an Aes Sedai for you."  She turned to go though he gently placed his hand on her forearm stopping her in her tracks.

"No, no thank you I'll be fine." Her open disbelief was plain on her face.  Perivar handed the woman the letter and dug out a handful of silver and gold marks from his pouch.  "Please see that this makes it to the Tower.  She is an Aes Sedai of the Green Ajah."  She tried to refuse the coins but he pressed them into her hands.  "Where I am going they do not take coins, I have no use for them.  Please see that it gets into her hands, please."  He pleaded as he turned and walked away.

Perivar climbed into Nightdancer's saddle then stared again at the Tower as he did when he arrived over two years ago.  He sat there wondering what he had done, what was it that led him down this road to ruin and damnation.  He had done his duty yet it had cost him his heart.  Perivar spun Nightdancer in a circle before spurring him on North away from Tar Valon, away from his love.

Perivar had walked for hours through the city trying to clear his head.  His clothes rain-soaked though he had barely noticed it.  He had left everything that he cared for behind him at the inn.  His heart was shattered beyond repair.  He had walked the streets completely out of his mind snarling at people who came near him.  His mood had been black as the night sky. 

He did not remember how he got there but he woke to find himself curled up at the base of the tree where she would come to read her precious books.  At first the morning light seemed too bright for his eyes yet when they adjusted to it the world around him seemed dulled.

Perivar remembered the look on her face, the look that named him a madman.  The way she flinched when he looked at her.  Once she had loved him.  She was his sun, the world revolved around her and now she was gone.  He was a shell of his former self. 

Perivar rose, he was disheveled yet he made no move to fix his appearance.  As if by habit he walked to the mess hall.  He sat at a table by himself looking like death.  Those who thought to have a seat at his table took one look at him and moved on. 

His food sat there untouched.  Steam rose from the mug filled to the rim with tea.  Perivar stared into the distance at nothing.  Even without the void everything was distant.  He heard voices, laughing, something they said caught his attention.

An Aes Sedai had run up to the walls of the North Harbor.  Stood there on the wall and with all her might hurled a sword into the water below.  No he had to be mistaken, it couldn't be though he knew.  The description matched her perfectly.

Suddenly his face veiled in shades of red.  He rose from the bench approaching the guard who told the tale.  "It is a lie!" He shouted at the man rocking on the balls of his feet ready to attack.

"Easy man, it is the light's own truth.  Will told me so, he was there.  She was about to throw something into the water, a necklace, yes that's what it was.  Val grabbed her hand before she could throw it.  She called him down for it then kissed him for all she was worth."

The thump was distant, his head felt like it was stuffed with cotton.  His legs had given out beneath him.  He sat there on the floor of the mess hall like a sack of grain.  She couldn't, no it had to be a misunderstanding.  Light this was worse than a nightmare.  It was as if the Dark One had kicked him in the gut then stood over him laughing.  He felt as if he could not breathe.

"You alright" they said to him as they helped him up off the floor.  They offered to help him back to the Barracks yet he shrugged off their offers of help.  Mindlessly he walked out of the mess hall.  He leaned against the wall of the mess hall just outside the door.  He slid down it and sat at its base.  Placing his hands over his face he sat their sobbing like a child.

At least a half hour passed before he picked himself off the ground making his way to his room.  He rummaged through his belongings and found what he was looking for.  The twin swords that he had worn the day he arrived in Tar Valon.  Strapping them to his back he picked up a waterskin and made his way to the stables.

The stableboys who were usually so glad to see him eyed him curiously.  When they remarked about him not being in any condition to ride he shouted at them.  He was so numb that he did not see the hurt that was so plain on their faces. 

As soon as they brought him Nightdancer he half vaulted into his saddle.  Even Nightdancer seemed to eye him as if he was the Dark One.  Perivar guided Nightdancer out of the stable then spurred him for all he was worth spraying the area around them with dirt and debris.  He raced through the city as if he were being pursued receiving angry glares from those who had to jump out of his way.   

Nightdancer's hooves rang on the pavers as he rose to the occasion.  Through the gate he raced, across the bridge and through the village of Luagde.  He slowed Nightdancer at the edge of the village and turned around to face the Tower.  He stared at the White Tower rising majestically above the city then closed his eyes.  He sat there with his eyes closed praying to the creator that when he opened them again that he would be back in her arms realizing that this was all just a nightmare.

Perivar simply nodded when she gave him advice about choosing the Aes Sedai with whimhe would share the bond.  He had already gone against all of her advice though he could not tell her that he had already promised his bond to an Accepted.

What she said next shocked him, if he could have found the breath to speak he would have cut her off but he could not.  She was sorry, she was apologizing to him.  For what?  He was the fool who got injured.  Light she can't place the blame on herself. 

"Your sorry!  Why?  You cannot blame yourself for my foolish actions.  I am the one who should apologize.  I should have been there sooner.  I have no idea how I did not see it sooner.  It was my fault, you trusted us to be there for you and I failed.  I should have been there."  He shook his head, his belled braids jingling.

"You cannot blame yourself for something beyond your control.  I was the one who let my emotions get the best of me.  I don't regret what I did back there only how I did it.  I did not seek the void like I have been trained to do.  I could have seriously hindered our mission from my stupidity.  Master Kynwric saw it for what it was, he knew and we have spoken of my poor judgement.  You should not have had to worry about me because I should have done as I was trained.  I could have bested him easily if only I did as I was trained.  Instead I let the emotions consume me.  I refused to form the void because I wanted to feel the emotions.  It was like I was a child again, that is how I used to do it back home.  I used to let the emotions fuel me though I am not a child anymore.  I should not have fallen victim to my emotions like that.  I swear that I will not let it happen again." He felt foolish, he did not want to explain all the emotions that he felt or the reasons for them.

"You cannot think of your inability to heal with the power as a failure.  Do you have any idea that your presence by my side and your soothing voice healed me more that night than any weave you could have laid upon me.  I was spent, I was teetering on the edge of madness.  I thought his death would make it all go away yet it did not.  After I realized that it wouldn't I was lost.  It was your voice, your concern for me that allowed me to hold it together.  I failed you and the others yet you would not hear of it, you were the glue that held me together.  It was not the one power but you who gave me the strength I needed.  So you cannot say that you failed to heal me.  You healed me though you didn't realize it." 

C- See 'B' above.

 

All I really want to is to do the ceremony in a timely manner.

 

Right now I am thinking of having Sieve NSW the Duel partner as he's around and we can move through that fairly quickly. If Corwin would like to be one (or all!) of the 'witnessing' Blademasters that would be grand and/or you can fight Thera. ;)

Yes I seem to be around too much!  ;)

*Taps lip with finger deciding whether to forgive you...or not*

Her smile was uplifting.  He just sat there listening as she spoke in that soothing voice.  It was comforting that she spoke with him at all.  Her cool Aes Sedai serenity that made him feel as if all was well in the world.  He was in awe of her.  He had the utmost respect for her. 

Perivar's look of amazement had to be plain on his face.  He had not expected the answers that she gave.  She must trust him to be so open with him.  He would not betray her trust, ever.  The events at the inn still bothered him though if she took any issue with it then she did not mention it.  He soaked it all in, he wanted to know as much about Kabria and her future as he could find out.  He needed to know if he was to properly serve her.

Some of what she told him was certainly a shock though the more she explained the Green Ajah the more he knew that would be his preference.  Kabria had told him of her interest in the Green and he hoped that was the way her decision would go.  It seemed like the perfect fit for both of them.

Perivar could not believe that she needed help defending herself.  Even at the inn he knew she would not use the power except as a last resort.  There was a reason that she hadn't, certainly she was in fear of her life but that was for her to know.  It was none of his business why she did what she did.  He knew Master Kynwric's worth though he was certain that she was quite capable of taking care of herself.  There was something about her that said she was much stronger than she let on.  She had that same passion and drive that he had noticed in Kabria.  He could not help but be in awe of her.

"No please don't apologize.  Whether you know it or not you have answered far more questions than you can imagine.  You have given me more than I deserve.  When the time comes I would very much like to be bonded to an Aes Sedai of the Green Ajah."

He realized that she was sweating, she seemed tired.  "I'm sorry to bother you.  You look like you need some rest.  Can I get you anything before I go?"

Perivar sat on his bunk reading the small book of poems that Kabria had given him.  He had read it over and over again so that he was able to recite several of the poems verbatim.  The candle light flickered then went out.  "Bloody candle!" he cursed it for going out.  Perivar turned to his bunk mate "Jake you have an extra candle?  Mine is spent!"  Jake replied that he did not.  Perivar wanted to keep reading so he told Jake that he was going to the supply closet to get another. 

The supply closet was down the hallway closer to the front door.  Perivar was reciting one of the poems thinking about his love.  He wondered where she was, was she thinking of him?  As he neared the closet he noticed that the door was already open.  Maybe someone accidentally left it open or someone else was getting supplies.  The closet held all manner of supplies.  Soap, candles, linens, pillows, and blankets a number of things lined the shelves. 

Perivar was feeling giddy so he crept up close to the closet.  If someone was in there he was going to scare them.  He jumped into the doorway of the closet and shouted as he entered the closet.  He jumped back at the horror he saw trying to draw the sword that was not there.  There was no need, staring back at him with eyes glazed over was one of the Tower Guards.  He was certain that he was dead, the eyes told the truth of it though he felt the man's neck while he watched his chest to see if it would rise.  He did not detect a pulse and the man's chest did not rise.

He poked his head out into the hallway.  A glance in each direction showed no signs of anyone.  Perivar shouted for Jake who came running down the hall half dressed with his sword in his hand.  Jake gasped then shook his head at the sight.  Perivar closed the door then spoke "You guard the door, don't let anyone pass.  Be alert, whoever did this could be anywhere."  His first thought was to report it.  Aside from confirming the man was dead he did nothing to disturb the scene. 

Perivar bounded from the barracks in search of Master Kynwric.  They had received warning earlier today that their had been murders committed last night.  Master Kynwric was leading the investigation and they would told to report all matters to him.  Perivar spotted the man and shouted as he approached "Master Kynwric!"..."Master Kynwric!" Perivar slid to a stop in front of the man who eyed him the question plain on his face "Another murder, In the Lions Company barracks.  One of the Tower Guards, I found his body is in the supply closet.  Jake is guarding the door."  Light what was happening, murders in Tar Valon let alone in the yard were not common.

I think all of us are more than willing to join you whether we can use it or not.  We have so many posts that were just character development or for the fun of it.  I would be more than happy to have Perivar join you if you want him.  If you don't want him then that is fine as well.  I understand that he is not appealing to everyone.  ;D 

I will help with whatever you need.  If you need a witness or someone to play the NSW.

Perivar sat there staring out into the night sky for what felt like an eternity.  He remembered her reactions to his words.  He felt her moving away from him. When he had looked at her she had flinched.  Light what was running through her head to make her react so.  Was she scared of him or for him?  He thought she would be disappointed over the delay in being bound to one another but he never expected her to fear him.  He had formed the void to stabilize himself.  The occasional laughter from inside tormented him though it was distant.

When she patted the step asking him to sit, he obediently followed her wish as if it was a command.  Things between them were being held together by a thread and at the moment he would not risk it.  “Its cold, the least you can do is keep me warm."  Although her words seemed distant he knew they were forced.  Her voice did not hold the usual loving tone with which she usually spoke though she snuggled up against him.  Even her close proximity to him seemed forced.  He looked up at the sky as the clouds rolled in to block the moon.  He adjusted his position on the step and she flinched.  It was as if he was hanging off a cliff, holding onto the void by a fingernail. 

Her words hammered him, each word of doubt was like a spike going through his heart.  The clouds had darkened and thunder rumbled loudly in the night, it was fitting.  Her words continued to pierce him like arrow points.   Worse than that was her actions.  The looks she gave him, her flinching.  The pain was far worse than any he had felt before.  Even the void seemed little protection from the pain he felt.

When she pulled back from him to look in his eyes it shook the void.  It had all gone horribly wrong.  This reunion that was supposed to be a dream come true was turning into a nightmare.  When she shuddered and looked away from him it shattered the void to pieces.

Perivar stood then leaned his head against one of the columns that supported the porch's overhang.  He felt as if the light had just abandoned him.  He gripped the column with his hands for support though it did no good.  “Its horrible…to horrible to even speak of” she whispered though loud enough for him to hear it clearly.  Now he felt as if he was on the defensive, as if he was being attacked.  Why did she not understand?    

Perivar turned to look at her though he could not face her.  Her words had just ripped his heart from his chest, ripped it out and tore it to pieces.  Light he could not even look upon her.  "You were not there Kabria!" He shouted then walked a few paces out into the cobblestone street in front of the inn.  He carefully took out his sword and dagger then dropped them carelessly onto the street.  Completely unarmed Perivar walked away from his weapons then dropped to his knees with a loud clatter as his armor rang on the cobblestones.  His upper body was erect as he eyed her sitting on the steps of the porch.  His voice held daggers when he spoke "Hopefully by my position, sitting here unarmed you will recognize that I mean you no harm.  If you feel otherwise then simply say the word and I will leave."  A shiver ran through him as he spoke "To think that is even possible that I scare you so is worse than any wound that any weapon could inflict."  He waited, gave her every opportunity to protest though she did not.

The thunder boomed and a light rain began to fall.  His anger raged again as he half shouted at her "Thank the light you were not there though you have no idea what it was like.  They were snatching up girls who could channel and doing the light knows what to them.  You did not see the room full of frightened girls hiding in the storeroom praying to the creator that Melenis could protect them.  These men tried to take Loraine Sedai, imagine what they could have done to her, imagine what they would have done.  They knew what she was Kabria.  You did not see the look of fear on her face, I did!  I saw it!  It was that look combined with the thought that in another time and place it could have been you.  That mixed with all the other emotions is what made me snap, it was the final straw.  Can you understand what that is like, do you have any idea?  Do you know that days later we learned that these same vile men had already taken Jasine’s sister?  Does that change anything for you?"

"I have no regrets for what I did to that piece of filth.  You want me to have compassion for men who work for the Shadow?  You want me to feel sympathy for their cause?  You look at me like I am a Trolloc!  You look down on me as if I am some evil creature that is the cause of nightmares.  Like I am a tool of the shadow used to scare children.  Just knowing that you can think of me so is beyond what I can endure.  You look on me as if I am the very thing that you need protection against.  Do not tell me different, it is plain on your face!  After all that we have been through you are not convinced of my love for you.  What more can I do?"  He was desperate, his relationship with her hung by a thread and it seemed out of his control.

"Loraine Sedai was there, the others were there yet they do not look on me as you do now.  If you don't trust my words then ask her yourself.  She cannot lie to you!  Ask her if she trusts me to do what needs to be done.  Ask her if she is scared of me, ask her if I am some creature of the Shadow!  Would I be standing here before you if I was?  She was there and witnessed it.  She did not shy away from me, she did not look on me as you just did.  Do you know what she did when it was all over.  When I was kneeling there teetering on the brink.  She laid a hand on my shoulder and spoke to me."It's Over"  "She said to me.  It is so clear in my mind like it was yesterday.  I asked her to leave me be but she wouldn't, she didn't abandon me.  I thought I failed her, I think it still yet she would not hear any of it.  I wanted to let the emotions crush me yet she would not let them.  She sat there inspecting every cut in my clothes to make sure that I was alright, my blood was there on her hands and she didn't flinch from me!  Whether she agreed with what I did, she did not look at me like I was Shadowspawn!"  He leaned his head back to let the rain fall on his face.  Hoping something would make this nightmare go away.

“There were others that killed that night.  Two more were dead when the night was through.  Mistress Thera and Master Kynwric baited one of the others into a fight before I ever did.  Do you know why?  Because the man was a threat to the White Tower, a threat to Aes Sedai, a threat to you, a threat to all girls who could channel.  Are you going to look on them differently now?"

"So yes, I felt like hacking the man to pieces and he deserved much worse.  Since I am such a monster answer me this.  What justice would you have exacted?  What would you have done knowing what they did, what they intended?  What would the White Tower do with those who openly assault Aes Sedai or who kidnap girls who could channel?  Do you think they would have been more lenient than I?  I bet they would have done much worse though in your eyes I am some evil creature that you are unsure if you can love!  I am the same man Kabria, I have a heart!  Right here!" He pounded his breastplate with his fist.  “I have love for you stronger than you can imagine.  I have a place in that heart for my friends inside but I have no place in it for those who stand against our cause.  I don’t know what you expect me to be.  I have sworn to protect you yet now you shy away from me.  I don’t understand!”

"What about your precious weave that you laid on me?  You said you would know if I was hurt.  Did you?  Could feel the hurt in my heart?  Did you know that I spent every waking moment thinking of you and then when I slept you were in my dreams?  Did you feel anything, anything at all because I did!  Can you feel anything now?"   

"I did what needed to be done Kabria, I did my duty that night for the Tower whether you want to see it or not.  The other two should have paid the same price yet we needed information, precious information about their activities.  That is why they lived long enough to be turned over to the City Guard.  They did not deserve a measure of leniency for their actions yet for the greater good they received it.  Can you not see that?  Now those who supported them will know that their actions will not go unpunished.  They must know that justice will be swift and hard.  It must be so though you act as if I killed a child.  No, I killed a man who threatened what we stand for.  He was not defenseless, I gave him better odds than he deserved.  He had a chance at freedom even though he didn’t deserve it."

"You worry that I wanted to hack the man to pieces though that was what he deserved and then some, plain and simple as that.  I am not some Trolloc that kills for the sake of killing, I am a man who serves the light.  I did my duty that night, justice was served for that one and the others were lucky that they were turned over to the guard though it is likely that they were hung for their part in it.  Where I failed was not using all the weapons at my disposal, that was where I failed the others and you.  That’s right, I should have assumed the void yet I took a foolish risk, that is where I failed.  That void, the precious thing that makes me a more lethal weapon, a better protector.”

"Before I came here I endured the Borderlands.  I have seen the remnants of a Trolloc's cookpot.  I have seen the mangled corpses that they left when their bellies were full.  I have faced Trollocs and Myrddraal and endured.  I have grown accustomed to things that would make others soil themselves.  I have seen the bodies of those tortured by Myrddraal.  I have lived with the realization that death can come at any time.  It has made me hard but it is necessary Kabria.  I will be prepared for what comes, I will not run nor hide when the odds are against us.  It will take all of our nerve and resolve to endure what we are about to face together.   I was sworn to fight the Shadow long before I came here.  I was hard and my training in the yards only made me harder.  They made me into a more efficient weapon, a weapon for their cause.  Would you rather have a softer man protect you?  A man that has no spine, no stomach for battle."

Perivar could see the lightning in the distance.  In his anger he had no idea if his words had any effect at all.  Were his words even comprehensible to her, did she see his point.  He had to be harder than stone.  If he was to be her Warder he had to be.

"I swore an oath to protect you.  In order to properly serve you I must be hard, harder than you may wish, though it must be so.  That is the realization of it all.  This is not a game Kabria!  Perhaps our war against the Shadow is more dangerous than you realize!  I will do what must be done to make sure you grow old in your service to the Tower.  My duty to you is strong though my love for you is even stronger if you can believe that.  If you cannot love me for who I am then I can handle that, I will endure it if I must though my love for you will not change.  I will not lie to you, it will crush me to know that you do not love me in return yet I will survive and I will fulfill my duty to protect you.  I swore an oath, if you know me at all you know that I do not take that lightly."

He took the gauntlets that she had given him and laid them on the cobblestones at his knees.  He pulled the note from his pouch, read it one last time before placing it on top of the gauntlets.  A sick grin twisted his face.  Standing he said "If you are unsure of your love for me then I cannot accept these.  I will protect you, I swore an oath on it and I will see it through.  I will be ready whenever you need me though I cannot stand here and have you look at me so!  I had a heart Kabria, but seeing you look at me so and flinch from me has shattered that heart to pieces."   

Perivar turned and walked away leaving his sword and dagger where he dropped them.   In another pile lay the gauntlets and note that she had given him.  His broken heart lay in pieces in the hands of the woman that he left on the steps of the inn.

As Master Kynwric and Melenis resumed their discussion Perivar took the opportunity to speak to Loraine Sedai.  He approached her cautiously unsure of her thoughts at the moment.  Melenis's words had been harsh and he did not want her anger directed at him.

He spoke only for her ears so he offered her the honorific, not that it matteredas anyone within a ten mile range would be able to put the puzzle together.  "Loraine Sedai, I am sorry for watching you...practice."  He was not sure if that was the right word but it seemed to fit.  "Well when I heard the commotion I couldn't help but check.  With all that has gone on I didn't want to take any chances."  He blushed thinking how much of a fool he must have looked.  She could protect herself better than anyone here yet he was still trying to protect her.  "Anyway I have never seen the power used like that.  I am ignorant about its use in general though seeing what you just did, you would be most welcome when the Shadowspawn come pouring out of the Blight.  I mean from what I saw you alone are worth more than a score of veteran soldiers, perhaps much more than that."  He thought for a moment.

"If I may ask, do all Aes Sedai learn those weaves or just the Green Ajah?  What does it mean to be a member of the Green Ajah?"  He thought of Kabria.  She had told him of her interest in joining the Green Ajah though he did not know what it truly meant.  Would she be able to do that? 

Mat's welcome to join the party, of course.  But if she still wanted to do this one, we could count it as Social Call, or even Week In The Life as we talk about what our trainee life and schedules were like and what they are like now.

Yeah it could easily fit as one of the other reqs for those who need.  I have the others so I would use it as Week In The Life.

Alright I threw in a post which will hopefully spark some interaction.

Perivar stood there like a man out of his element.  To him this looked like any other house yet the other three were like huntsmen on the trail of a trophy buck.  Perivar watched Kabria with a look of pride as she spoke with Loraine Sedai.  She seemed to come alive more so than usual as she spoke to her mentor about her discovery.  Loraine Sedai showed her a new weave and Kabria lit up even more.  She was beautiful beyond words.  Perivar just stood there leaning against the door frame watching her.  It was something that he never grew tired of.

The light spilled onto the porch as the door opened then left just as quickly as the door closed.  “What troubles you my sweet, I thought tonight you would be happy.”  Kabria said as she handed him a mug then stood in silence taking his hand in hers.  She knows something is up you fool, she is giving you the opening to get it off your chest he thought furiously to himself.  Perivar couldn't bring himself to look at her so he spoke into the night air as if he was addressing the moon.

"I should be happy, I would love more than anything to be happy but I cannot pretend to be what I am not.  I would love to speak to you about the note though there is something we must discuss first.  If you still wish to be with me when I am done then so be it but you must hear me out first."   Perivar took a long pull from the mug trying to build the courage to continue.

"One night we found ourselves at an inn in Caemlyn, the Badger and Lioness.  Loraine Sedai discoverd that one of the serving girls had the ability to channel.  To make matters worse there was a Whitecloak watching the inn from across the street..."  Perivar unraveled the entire tale.  He told her how the girl and Loraine Sedai had been left in their care.  Told her about the whitecloak attacking Loraine Sedai, the three who barred his path.  Anluan's actions which saved him from the Whitecloak's dagger.  His inability to reach Loraine Sedai in time.  He let her inside his head describing every emotion that he felt.  Anger, rage, shame, hurt, he told her all.  How he egged on the other man electing himself as the man's judge, jury, and executioner.  He told her how he purposely refused to form the void letting the emotions tear him to pieces.  It all spilled out of him.

"I thought it would erase the shame I felt.  I thought somehow that it would make all the emotions go away.  I failed to protect her and because of it I killed a man to erase my shame.  I simply snapped, I let my emotions control my actions and I was wrong to do it.  When it was done I knelt there over his lifeless body shaking from the emotions that threatened to destroy me.  I wanted to hack his body to pieces to though I realized it would not change anything.  I failed in my duty to protect Loraine Sedai, when she needed us most I was not there.  In my effort to erase the shame I felt I ended up I failing my friends as well.  I could have put our mission at risk.  By needlessly putting my self at risk and not using all the weapons at my disposal I failed you as well.  I understand now the error of my ways yet whats done is done and I have to answer for it."  For a moment he just stared at the moon not daring to meet her eyes.

"No doubt he deserved to die for what he had done as well as for what he intended but what I did was nothing short of murder.  I was a fool, I couldn't deal with my emotions though I had the answer well within my grasp.  All I had to do was assume the void as I am trained to do yet I couldn't.  I simply didn't want to push the emotions aside, I let them fuel me like I had done before I came to the Tower to train.  Whether challenging the man was right or wrong I should have done as I was trained to do but I didn't.  I refused to do it, I wanted to feel the emotions that were overwhelming me.  I wanted to feel the shame, the anger, the rage, and the hurt I felt in my heart from being away from you.  I did not come to the Tower looking for love but I found it and in the blink of an eye it was gone.  The one thing that could have shielded me from it all was the thing that I refused."  Perivar could not bring himself to look at her.  Was she looking at him like he was a monster or could she possibly understand what he had been through.  Could she forgive him, could she ever trust him to do his duty as he was sworn to do.

His voice hardened "I swore to you that I would return but I did not do everything in my power to make it so.  I let my emotions get the best of me.  Within the void I most likely would not have ended up with a dagger in my thigh or half a dozen cuts on my body.  That injury in my thigh could have given him a serious advantage had my slash not landed true, it could have meant me not returning home to you.  I let everyone down."  He looked down feeling as though his arm and leg were wet.  In his anger with himself he partially crushed the mug spilling its contents on himself and the porch.

His voice softened as he continued "Now I must pay for my transgressions.  I must first prove to the Tower that I am fit.  Then I must prove the same to you though honestly I do not know if I am worthy of your love let alone your bond.  If I were a stronger man I would leave here and save you the choice though I can't bring myself to do it.  I cannot simply walk away from my oathes to you.  I can't walk away from my love for you.  I can't!" Finally he turned to face her.  The pain of retelling the story was plain on his face.  The look of disappointment in himself.

"I have been out of my mind since I left you.  I tried to focus on my duty to ease the pain but it did not help.  Then I return and could not get word to you or learn anything of you.  I cannot tell you how sick I have been over the thought of losing you.  All the letters that went unanswered and then you suddenly appear at the ceremony as if out of a dream.  Suddenly I have you again yet in the blink of an eye I could lose you and it is tearing me apart, it is all my fault."

He took a deep breath steeling himself for what was to come.  "It is your choice to decide if you will still have me though there is a condition.  I cannot become a Warder until it is decided that I am fit in the eyes of the Tower.  That decision lies in Master Kynwric's hands.  That is what has been decided.  Never in my life have I failed to do my duty yet on that night I failed.  It has caused me more pain than I can describe though it pales in comparison to the hurt I feel at the thought of losing you.  If I could go back and change that night I would but I can't.  I will do whatever you ask of me to prove myself worthy of your love and your bond.  I will ride to Shayol Ghul and smite the Dark One if necessary.  Whatever you require of me, just name it and it will be done, anything at all.  I..."   His words became stronger more passionate as he spoke.  He didn't know what else to say, he was emotionally spent.  He turned to stare into the night darkened sky not able to meet her eyes, afraid of what she might say.  His voice became soft again  "I...I am sorry that I let you down..."

She had looked at him like he was Shadowspawn and their was near panic in her voice.  She changed her look and her tone as she layed a hand on his chest.  Just her touch was enough to make him give in yet when she looked through he lashes at him with her sky blue eyes he thought he would promise her the world.

“I promise you can punish me for each one I force on you that you do not like.” Her sly wink spoke of promises that said he would enjoy every failure as much as she.  The thoughts that came to mind made him blush.

"As much as I would like to take you up on that offer I think you only heard part of what I said.  I that perhaps I will take an interest in books now since there is much that I would like to learn.  Though if you still wish to entice me then I will be glad to play along."  He gave her a mishievous grin that said he would enjoy "punishing" her for every perceived failure.

"I train everyone hard though I admit I have more invested in you.  I have a personal interest in you progress and your ability to protect yourself."  Perivar took the sword from her then handed her the quarterstaff.  "The same guard stance can be used.  Go ahead and get in the stance and hold it while I talk.  Now the forms used for the staff are similar to those used with the sword with some minor modifications.  The major difference is the range at which you can strike though that advantage can also be a disadvantage when it comes to defense.  So you want to keep your opponents at range without allowing them in close."

Perivar picked up a practice sword and faced her at the full range of her weapon.  "From here I cannot touch you yet you could beat me silly should you wish."  He gave her a smile that said she would probably enjoy beating him into the ground.  "Now if I get inside your guard."  In a flash he was in close to her.  "Now you are at my mercy though you do not have to be."  He raised an eyebrow the unspoken question obvious in his look.  "This is where forms and movement come in, this is where dancing plays its part.  Dancing or flowing are terms often used when you go from one form to the next.  If you watch two trained soldiers fight or spar it will appear as if they are dancing."

Perivar handed her the practice sword taking the quarterstaff from her.  "Now come at me and try to strike."  As she approached he danced turning to the side as he backed away.  Occasionaly if she came close enough he would tap her practice weapon with the tip of the quarterstaff to keep her from striking him.  "See my dear, movement is almost as important as the froms themselves.  The forms do you know good if you cannot close or get away from your opponent."

"Go ahead and drop the practice sword."  When she did walked over to her standing directly in front of her.  Gently he placed his left arm around her waist pulling her tight against him while took her left hand in his right hand.  They didn't need to be this close though he would use any excuse to be close to her.  The sweet smell of her body and hair filled his nose.

He shuffled back slowly bringing her with him.  "Step with your leading foot then slide the other to meet it.  This is called an advance, you are in perfect balance as you move forward.  Make sure your steps are not too long or else you will be off balance and open yourself up to an attack.  What I am doing is called a retreat.  It is directly opposite to the advance.  Now you lead with the retreat."  He followed her lead, she seemed a natural gliding as she led him.  "You are a natural my love, I wish I had half the grace with which you move."

"Then there is the crossover for when you need to cover ground quickly or circle to avoid an attack or gain a position of advantage over your opponent."  He demonstrated it then resumed his contact with her as they danced around in circles.  He could not recall having so much fun dancing before.  Her scent filled him, the way the sun danced off her pale blonde hair dazzled him, and her sky blue eyes shone like gems.  Her laughter sent shivers through his body.  When they stopped he just stared into her eyes.  "Yes my love you are a natural."

It was almost midday and his stomach was starting to remind him how hungry he was.  "Perhaps we should take a break now and have lunch.  What do you think my love? I mean Kabria Sedai."  He beamed a smile at her that held a look of pride at what she had become.  "Actually the rest is theory so we can discuss this while we walk and the finish it while we eat."

They made for the mess hall.  As they walked he spoke about slashes.  "Slashes are when you use the sharp edges of your blade to cut your opponent.  There are many types but for now you just need to understand the concept.  He whirled the blade as they walked, slowing it so she could see exactly what he was doing.  There are slashes where you put your all into it"  He showed her an example "and there are slashes that are merely quick flicks of your wrist."  again he showed her.  "The latter you would use to impair or wear down your opponent.  Several seemingly minor cuts can wear down your opponent more than you would think possible.  A few in just the right spots and you will give yourself a serious advantage."

Perivar kept talking about slashes, describing them then showing her examples to drive the point home.  Edge cuts, Draw cuts, Push cuts, and Tip cuts they covered them all.  They chose their food placing it in a basket lined with cloth then carried it to her favorite reading spot as he spoke about thrust.  With basket in his left hand and sword in his right he showed her various thrusts.  He pointed out that thrusts would be her main form of attack with her dagger.  He also talked of the usefulness of thrusts with her short sword.

As they ate they talked about parries.  Spoke about the point of the weapon being extended so that the parry could be performed efficiently.  The more you had to move the point the more apt you were to be out of position for futre parries or strikes.  When all the food was gone and he was finished speaking about parries they returned to the training grounds.

Perivar grabbed two of the wooden lathe practice swords and let her try out several slashes and thrusts.  Then he had her take a defensive stance and had her parry his half speed strikes.  She was a quick study and was very agile.  He smiled at her when they were finished.  "You seem to have a very good understanding of what we have gone over.  Now it is up to you to practice what I have shown you.  Are you satisfied with your instruction for the day or is there something you would like me to go over again?"  Before she had a chance to speak he said "Have I told you how beautiful you look today?" He tapped his lip thinking "Yes I must have mentioned it...and that shirt and breeches are...well let me say you wear them very well.  Of course I say that with all due respect Aes Sedai."  He smiled at her and very nearly giggled.  Light what had come over him, being near to giggling.  No one would believe that.

*grins mischievously*  Good girl, you are posting!  You will get a few extra lashes.  ;)

With all his chores complete Perivar walked off to the edge of their camp just into the woods.  He had spoken with Master Kynwric before leaving the inn about his fool stunt.  The conversation was brief but after he explained himself and his actions Master Kynwric agreed with him on a punishment.  His honor demanded that he answer for his actions yet Master Kynwric's concerns were more for the Tower.  As a Tower Guard and future Warder Perivar could not fall victim to his emotions like he had that night.  So for the remainder of the trip Perivar would assume extra duties.  When they returned to Tar Valon he would be at Master Kynwric's disposal.  He would train longer and harder as well as take on occasional chores or tasks.  The last was the one that really hit home, Perivar would not be allowed to accept a bond until Master Kynwric deemed him fit.  On top of that they would talk in greater detail when they returned.  For now Perivar had to perform his duties to the letter, no slack would be given.  If he failed to do so then he would not be graduating with the others.

He formed the flame pushing all his emotions into it bringing on the precious void that made all his emotions seem distant.  At one time he refused to form it wanting to absorb them all yet now he found himself using it all too often.  Perivar could not stand to be alone a moment with his thoughts so he decided to practice his forms.  

Unfolding the fan he assumed the guard position Lion on the Hill.  He sat there a moment, the sword was an extension of his body.  He saw the oak and letherleaf trees clearer, he could see the fine detail of every leaf.  Birds on the branches, a squirrel feasting on a nut.  He was one with his surroundings.  

Perivar began with the basic forms then moved on to the intermediate forms.  He began to work himself into a sweat though in the void he hardly noticed.  He was mid swing when he heard the first rumble.  He stopped and looked toward the camp then another round of explosions sounded on the other side of the camp.  Perivar ran back to the camp though nobody seemed to be paying it any mind.  A quick study showed that everyone was accounted for except for Loraine Sedai.  Master Kynwric was going about his business unconcerned so obviously everything was alright.

Perivar was curious so he walked until he caught sight of her.  He was amazed by what he saw.  He could not see exactly what she was doing but he saw the results.  Light she would be worth a hundred soldiers or more by herself.  Perivar was in awe of her ability.  For someone who spent two years in Tar Valon he had never seen this.  Perivar kept his distance as she returned then followed behind her.  Was he more curious about her use of the power or was he being over protective of her.  He decided it was both.

He arrived shortly after her and caught the Melenis's comments.  Whistling through his teeth he decided that now was a good time to check his equipment.  Light what was Melenis thinking taking that tone with an Aes Sedai.  Whatever our mission she obviously had her reasons for what she was doing.  He decided to start working on his sword to stay out of the discussion.  He took out his whetstone and oiled cloth then began tending to his sword waiting for the eruption that would put Melenis in her place though it was Master Kynwric who spoke first.  Perhaps now would be a good time to do a circuit around the camp though he did not want to draw any attention to himself. 

Oooo whips!!! *wiggles eyebrows* Nope...not posting! ever! ;)

*changes strategy*

I promise to whip you more if you post!  :-*

He was fine but we missed our DL.  :'(

Now get posting before I crack my whip!  :o  :-*

Perivar was in a sour mood, he could not exactly say why.  Lucky for him he arrived when he did for Master Kynwric was already there.  Had Master Kynwric not agreed that some form of punishment been handed down Perivar would have been compelled to demand one.  Maybe it was the thought of his behavior on that trip that had him so sour.  Reminders of that night often had that effect on him, failure was not something he took lightly.

Arath arrived shortly after and was far too happy by half.  He nodded when Arath gave his greeting.  On top of him being too happy, he felt the need to talk. "Just fine, yes, and no" spoken for Arath's ears alone was the only reponse he gave to the three questions.  When Melenis arrived she simply nodded which he appreciated.  At least there was someone else who did not feel like talking.

Of course Jasine arrived seemingly as happy as Arath smiling brightly to all of them.  Well he had a reason to be happy.  He was in love and getting married.  Perivar was in love and had no idea what was to come of it.  Like Arath, Jasine also had a question though thankfully it was for Master Kynwric.

Perivar formed the flame pushing all his emotions into it.  Since he had returned from their trip he had used the void more than ever.  He had not seen nor heard from Kabria which made him more depressed with each day that passed.  Now that they had be reunited he should have been as happy as Arath or Jasine though he future was still uncertain. 

Perivar drew the Bastard sword that he had to borrow from the armory since his other sword lay at the bottom of the North Harbor.  It had cost him dearly in more ways than one.  The finely crafted weapon had found a new home, it belonged to the harbor now.  He took on the form Lion on the Hill as Master Kynwric had instructed.  During his time as a trainee Perivar decided that he would fight on foot with his Bastard sword using both hands to wield it though when he was mounted he would opt to carry the shield in his off hand.  Maybe fate was trying to tell him something.  Perhaps he should return to dual wielding like he had before he came here and forget about the Bastard sword altogether.  It was something he would have to think on later, for now he had enough to worry about.

He watched as Master Kynwric demonstrated the forms then began practicing them as best as he could.  The series of feinting, short slashes, and thrusts that made up the form Cat Dances on the Wall.  Cat on Hot Sand which was similar though designed for use with multiple opponents.  Apple Blossoms on the Wind a more defensive form of the Cat on Hot Sand which would allow you to defend yourself while taking advantage of any opportunities that you opponents offered.  Perivar flowed into Lion on the Hill then began to pratice the forms again.

ready when you are!

"No, no time to scout what you've plainly seen. Keep this to yourself and do not share it with the villagers. Make sure the canteens are full and the horses are ready. We'll be leaving very shortly. Then meet up with us."

Leaving Perivar thought to himself.  He would have asked had Kynwric why had the man not turned back to talk to the others.  Perivar wondered why they would not stay and help defend the town.  Perhaps he meant to ride to meet the Shadowspawn well away from the town or lead them away from the town? Could two Aes Sedai, a Warder, and a Tower Guard take on a fist of Trollocs led by a Myrddraal.  Perivar had no idea, he had never seen an Aes Sedai in battle nor a Warder.  Perivar had no idea of his potential either.  It had been well over 2 years since he last faced a Trolloc.  His skill had increased exponentially yet how many could he take on at once and survive.  As long as she made it, that was all that mattered.  He would make sure that it happened no matter is he had to fight the whole fist himself.

When Perivar reached the horses something struck him as odd.  They seemed fresh, far more fresh than they should have been after that long run.  Either Loraine Sedai or Kabria Sedai, perhaps both were responsible for the improved condition of the horses. 

Perivar watered and brushed the horses then took out a pick to check their hooves.  He removed a few small rocks from their hooves then checked the condition nof their shoes.  Luckily all the shoes were in good shape for he had no idea what condition the town's smithy was in.  He did not think they could afford to wait on a farrier to fix a shoe or craft a new one.

Perivar filled the waterskins then returned to the others.  When he finally found them they were inside one of the houses.  He let Master Kynwric know that the horses and waterskins were ready then just stood there out of the way. 

Perivar smiled as Loraine Sedai recalled the first night they met her.  When she entered the room their jaws dropped from the surprise visit.  Chairs flew back as they bowed to her as if she were the light made flesh.  Over the years they had grown a little more accustomed to Aes Sedai.  His head went down when she mentioned the tavern.  His face was stained with crimson and his face twisted from the thoughts.  He tried to make as if he was studying the contents of his mug.  The memory of that night cut him deep though he smoothed his face looking up as he listened to the stories.

Perivar laughed when Master Kynwric spoke of their graceless attempts when he tried to teach them Heron Wading in the Rushes and his recommendation that they needed to learn to dance.  Thinking back their initial attempts had been pathetic though it had been that way with most of their training.  They each had some fond memories of their time as trainees.

Master Kynwric's gaze ran over the group as he spoke about Caemlyn praising their performance though when it came to Perivar it lingered a moment speaking of the unfinished business between them.  He nodded to his mentor taking ownership of the punishment he was due.  Perivar saw that Kabria had taken notice to the exchange between him and Master Kynwric.  He met eyes with her momentarily before looking away.  Maybe he could not speak to her about it as he intended to do.  He could not stand to the see the disappointent on her face when he did.  Would she still want him as her Warder.  He could not even think of being bound to another.

Arath asked about their fondest memories as trainees and Jasine was the first to speak.  He spoke about a conversation he had had with Arath about Mistress Thera.  Perivar stood to excuse himself yet Jasine broke in with his announcement.  Perivar congratulated both of them,shaking Jasine's hand and giving Mistress Thera a hug.  He excused himself remarking that he needed some fresh air. 

Perivar walked out of the tavern, the cool night air caressing his face with a sobering effect.  He stared up at the moon and cursed it.  His sun was inside yet he couldn't look upon her.  She had seen the looks, it would be plain to her that something was there.  How could he explain that night to her, what would she think of him.  He had almost thrown their entire plan away in the blink of an eye in a momentary lapse in judgement.  That night haunted him, it was ingrained in his memory like it was just yesterday.     

Perivar stood by Kabria's side for protection, support, or to answer any questions if he had them.  He saw the eyes watching them from inside the buildings and let Kabria know.  Knowing you were being watched would help steel your nerves.  Even a person with a stone for a heart would feel the effects of staring at a mangled half eaten child.  "The Wheel weaves as it wills my love, say a prayer for them and move on.  This is life in the borderlands."  He said nonchalantly.

Perivar studied the town, thin tendrils of smoke still rose into the sky from the ruined buildings.  He caught pieces of the discussion between Loraine Sedai and Master Kynwric as they studied the body.   When they were finished Perivar removed his cloak and placed it over the child.  What needed to be studied had been done so already, there was no need to leave the child's body on display like that.  No need for Kabria to have to see it anymore, one glance was enough to firmly plant it in your mind.  He rose to stand by her side as he began to scan the area.

Perivar saw Master Kynwric look the way they had come.  The look of recognition in his eyes as he caught site of something.  Perivar turned to look in that direction as Master Kynwric shouted, "Perivar!"..."Get up high and check that out." pointing in the direction of a dust cloud on the horizon.

Perivar glanced at Kabria, she would be fine in their care he thought as he ran towards one of the abandoned watch towers.  He quickly climbed the ladder then stood staring off into the distance.  Perivar scanned their surroundings to make sure there were not others in sight.  Convinced there were not, he focused again on the column studying it trying to determine the size and direction.  He looked up at the sun, it was just shy of mid-day.  When he learned all that he possibly could, he half slid down the the ladder running back to Master Kynwric.

"At least a fist by the size of the dust cloud.  They are pushing hard this way, a few hours by that pace maybe less.  I can't be more certain without getting a closer look.  Nightdancer is up to it, with your permission of course?"  Perivar knew the more information they had the better, it could make all the difference to their survival yet the call was not his to make.

 ((OOC: A fist = 100, if you want more or less let me know and I will adjust it when or if he scouts.  If not we will realize it as they get closer.))