I'll concede that few of you have practice in using them.

*as a soccer ball*

No, I've tried that, they're too floppy and fallaparty to make for decent projectiles.

CLEVERLY PORRIDGE BRAIN

... Simultaneously too hot and too cold?

Porridge? *eats; missed the brain part*

Polite conversation or death!

*has a polite conversation while subconsciously stabbing oreo cookies to death*

They're not people they don't have rights

But they make good spitting weapons.

Add lime zest for flavor and dustproofing

*wonders why forks have 4 points*

Because if they only had one point each they'd be chopsticks.

And if they had five, they would be super forks.

WOULDST BE KING OF THE WILD THINGS

And if they had three, they would be...SPORKS!!!

And in the process become one of those things which are seen as amusing by people with too little brainpower.

From xkcd:

 

There is nothing amusing about sporks.

There's nothing amusing about Chuck Norris either, but internet sheep keep yammering on about him.

 

I'm pretty sure there's an XKCD for that one, too.

*sneezes*

*installed storm doors for just this very predicament*

*stops breathing and dies*

*recycles meesh as fertilizer*

All except for my nose, right?

No, that too. Not that it affects anything in here, quantum physics, like I said.