So he went out on a journey to find a job

But he tripped on a cucumber on the way.

Which he found was Osama Bin Laden in disguise

He barely had time to make his escape as the U.S. military, hearing of this discovery, descended upon the cucumber with a good number of nuclear weapons and a taser.

(this is working much better than the thread I started specifically for this purpose ::) )

 

Unfortunately, he tripped and accidentally pressed a button causing the nuclear weapons to explode.

And everyone was covered in custard as far as the eye could see.

So 87 beautiful half naked women started licking me clean

But back where our hero was laying, covered in custard and dazed and confused, a small mole rat popped out of the ground in front of his face.

And charged him with a quest to retrieve the magic marsupial from gargamel

He blatantly refused, saying he already had pineapples to save.

Little did he know, the pineapples were safe in an underground shelter, partying like there was no tomorrow--and had been for the past year or two.

But he set off in his ignorance to eastern Canada.

and was raped by a certain hairless dog named Barm

a known associate of rat the ribber

He was forced to press the "get me the heck outta here button* to escape.

And it worked, but it took him back in time and right in the path of a rampaging carnivorous dinosaur.

so our hero pooped his pants

And pulled out a machine again and fired upon the dinosaur upon which the dinosaur laughed at him for the gun had no ammo.

But at that moment the dinosaur suffered a fatal heart attack and fell over dead.  The other dinosaurs (herbivores and carnivores alike) thought our hero had defeated the dinosaur with his magical powers, and bowed to him, making him their king.

so, living in the lap of luxary, our hero decided that he would take a mate

Unfortunately, there really weren't any humans around.  So he spent days pondering his dilemma.

several days and two bottles of lotion later....

he became a victim of The Completely Unlucky Falling Coconut of Doom where a coconut randomly fell out of a tree and bonked him in the head.

Hey that kills people you know

a) I know;  I used to walk under them all the time.

b) You disrupted the story!