Now I'm the only one to blame

Marge: We can't trick these guys. They are highly trained professionals!

(Ruth turns off the car lights.)

Chief Wiggum: Oh my god, it just disappeared! (Gasp) It's a ghost car! (Slams on brakes) There are ghost cars all over these highways you know.

Homer: Hold me!

Chief Wiggum: Only if you hold me!

Things have changed for me

How many bosses must I face?

Wiggum: Oh, I'm uh.. on a road, uh.. looks to be asphelt. Um, ah geez, trees, shrubs um.... I'm directly under the earths sun... nnnow!

And that's okay

Chief Wiggum: Ah, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman, though, because one time I...uh, heh...

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

I feel the same, I'm on my way

Chief Wiggum: Mmm, engine-black eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty.

(Marge and Ruth drive by)

Homer: That's them!

Chief Wiggum: Quiet! I can't hear the eggs.

(Devil Flanders curses Homer by turning his head into a donut.)

Marge: Homer, don't pick at it!

Homer: But, Marge, I'm so sweet and tasty! Well, I guess I'll go to work.

Lisa: Uh, Dad, I wouldn't go out there if I were you.

Chief Wiggum: (Outside house, sipping coffee) Don't worry, boys. He's got to come out of there sometime.

And I say things have changed for me, and that's okay

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. (It is labeled "Dracula.") Police are baffled.

Chief Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed.

I want to go where everyone goes

Chief Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.

Marge: (indignantly) I'm pretty sure there is.

Chief Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle --

Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. (shows him "Springfield Law".)

Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's ALSO illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.

(Shot of Eddie the cop with squirrels running around in his pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing) Boys, knock it off!

you know... i'm seeing 35K tonight. i really am.

 

maybe 40 by monday night.

I want to know what everyone knows

I wanna go where everyone feels the same

Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency, he called me, Chief Piggum! (everybody laughs) Oh ah, now I get it! Haha, that's good!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

i want to go where everyone does not go.

I never said I'd leave the city

Bart: Take him away, boys.

Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys.

Lou: What'd you say, chief?

Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid said.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.