Ralph: Uh... so... do you like..... stuff?

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Things have changed for me and that's okay

Ralph: The doctor said I wouldnt have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there.

I feel the same, and I say

Homer: You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops.

Chief Wiggum: They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?

Things have changed for me and that's okay

Lou: There's a couple of guys fighting at the Aquarium Chief.

Chief Wiggum: Do they still sell those frozen bananas?

Lou: I think so.

Chief Wiggum: Lets roll.

I'm on my way, and I say

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

The Monorail Song

Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!

(audience laughs)

Homer: Heh heh! Mule.

Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!

Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! (audience gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map!

Well, sir, there's nothing on earth

Like a genuine,

Bona fide,

Electrified,

Six-car

Monorail! ...

What'd I say?

Ned Flanders: Monorail!

Lyle Lanley: What's it called?

Patty & Selma: Monorail!

Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!

(crowd chants "Monorail" softly and rhythmically)

Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.

Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.

Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?

Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?

Lyle Lanley: You'll all be given cushy jobs.

Grampa: Were you sent here by the devil?

Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.

Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.

Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.

I swear it's Springfield's only choice...

Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

All: Monorail!

Lyle Lanley: What's it called?

All: Monorail!

Lyle Lanley: Once again...

All: Monorail!

Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!

Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

All: Monorail!

Monorail!

Monorail!

Monorail!

Homer: Mono... D'oh!

Things have changed for me.

Apu: I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year. As a result, I almost missed work.

Chief Wiggum: Cry-baby.

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Chief Wiggum: Aw, isn't that cute, a baby driving a car. Oh, look there's a dog driving a bus!

Homer no function beer well without.

“It’s not what you call me, but what I answer to.” – African proverb

Barney: What are these axes for?

Chief Wiggum: I dunno, chopping stuff.

Barney: Gotcha. (chops down the Simpson's mailbox)

Chief Wiggum: That's some nice choppin'.

“I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning to sail my ship.” – Louisa May Alcott

Mr. Black: Now I must tell you kids Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.

Milhouse: Krusty looks fat.

Lisa: He's really having trouble keeping his balance.

Ralph: He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny.

Chief Wiggum: If he was going to commit a crime, would he have invited the number one cop in town? Now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I got a piece of cake.

“You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover is yourself.” – Alan Alda

Sideshow Bob: Bart, I must know. How did you untangle my web?

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, Bart, pull us in!

Bart: Well, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do his job.

Chief Wiggum: No, no, please. It's the only way I'll learn.

“There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you.” – Maya Angelou

Wiggum: (Answers phone) Uh, no you've got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2.